Me:43 W:41 Married:19 S:15 S:13 D:11 ILYBNLWY: April, 2011 Discovered/confronted about Affairs : Aug 20, 2011
Ok, so first post - so here goes. W gave me the speach, started partying (april )with younger single girls, started not coming home at night-saying she stayed at her girlfriends.She spent the summer away with the kids at our lake spot - I visit when on holidays. She partied, got wasted all the time, I found her with her top off one night drunk with an 18 year old guy. She leaves the lake when i came in aug. and says she did nothing at home. When I got home, I found gas receipt for a town we have no friends in. So I started looking at email.Facebook and found the notes to her BFF about the affairs - one at the lake, one at home. I drove out and confronted her, said they had to stop and we would start at square one and work on our marriage (oops). Read "surviving your wifes mid-life Crisis" stopped doing the things wrong (i love you, hugs, etc). End of Sept, I found she was texting OM still. Told her i obviously couldnt make her stop, so she needed figure out what she needed to be happy. Gave her $5k to move out if she want as she said she was financially trapped. She still is in the house, still partying and not coming home at night. This weekend when she got home I found a sex toy for a guy/lube in her overnight bag. We have chatted off and on about her moving out or not, she says shes not sure, but obviously is still sleeping around. She has OM and another guy from her last vacation trip to see her BFF (end of Sept)on Skype. So, I'm reading DR and cant believe I can just ignore what she's doing -its driving me nuts! I have steadfastly told her I forgive (thinking she quit sleeping around), love her unconditionally, and would prefer she stayed home and I would give her space to figure out what she needs to be happy. I'm afraid I'm being a doormat, weak, abused, etc. For the record - I did go on a lunch date last week and have been going out on weekends with buddies - but I always go home to take care of our kids. Arrrgh! Any thoughts from the Veterans?
Wow, I am sorry you are going thru this. I am sure it is painful. You definitely need to take care of the kids, but you have to take care of yourself also, or you won't be helpful to them. Please talk to a DB coach, they are superb in helping you get clear on what your goal is and the steps to take immediately to start the process. You will feel relief and you will have someone in your corner. Take good care. Hope to talk to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Update: So I read the part in DR about trusting your gut when your spouse won't end the affair. So I confronted her, told I knew that she was continuing and I was done. No more putting up with it, no more mr nice guy around the house waiting for her to make a decision. So she came to me the next night and told me she was going to move out for a little while. I told her I supported her decision. She waited 4 days to finally tell the kids and then had a massive breakdown. I held her while she sobbed, but that was it. She said it must be good that it hurts her so much to leave. So last night she finally left, but says she wants to come visit lots and be around the kids. I told all I wanted was a heads up when she was coming, respect our schedule. While she was packing, the OM texted her again... I think it will take her a while to sort out her thoughts (MLC) and get over her affair (if she stops). I am working through the DR book, but she seems to be so insistent that this wont take long, she's only taken a few clothes and such. Ok - so I want the affair and ended and I told her that was the deal breaker for her to be able to come back. Obviously she needs to say/feel and do more than that (unlock the cell phone/computer/phone records, admit affairs, feel remorse) Any other thoughts on boundaries?
Update #2: She is continuing her affair(s). She was over the other day, left her phone sitting out and the message from one guy came across while i was sitting there. So, she says she moved out to work on herself, but is just carrying on. No changes. We are civil when we are together, but i'm done with her. I'm making her pay all her own bills (car, insurance, credit cards)and i'm meeting a lawyer in two days. After I will ask her to move out her stuff completely and advise that i contacted the lawyer so i can retain custody of the kids. The DR stuff hasn't affected her at all - but i'm doing well. I've been to the gym regularly, I run, go out with friends and keep the kids and the house together. She see's that at least, but is not interested. I will cut her off from my emotions and get on with my life - if she wakes up - maybe i'll still be available - maybe not. The best part of all this has been the great support of my friends (male and female). Do whats best for you!
your last post is exactly what I was going to say... she needs to hit rock bottom and see reality, no more freebies and coming home to see the kids then to party, she made her bed she has to sleep on it. You put up with way too much and gave her enough chances. There comes a time when one has to have some dignity and say enough is enough. Keep this frame on mind, you are in the right track, you did all you could but she wants to be 18 again and who knows when reality will hit her. Do NOT back down, tell her she has x days to move her stuff, do not pay anything else for her even if she is in trouble. I too got the "need time to think" and then moved in with a crazy ow, the R soured after the "magic" was gone in 5 months.
Stay strong, you are the only responsible parent the kids have right now.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
