I don't feel you should stay together for the kids, I feel you should make it work for the kids. But even of there were no kids involved I would still be here wanting to make my M work because I love my husband. .
THIS IS POWERFUL!! You are right and I pray that you'll husband will realize how valuable you are and that you will show him that you can and will make changes. Let him know how you are working on your issues and let him see results. I think a lot of this is HIM, and he's probably really conflicted right now, but he's missing out on a lot, a wife and daughter who love him and need him.
[quote=turkisheye H said he hated how I kept bringing up the past hurt. I have to talk things out and I was seeking reassurance that he just couldn't give. ... I tried to be supportive but made him mad by bringing that fact up and onn the other hand he says he only got work done on them when I nagged him.
[/quote]
Leave the past in the past and look forward. Michele is big on finding SOLUTIONS for the FUTURE, not spending energy dredging up the past.
I know all about needing to "talk things out" and wanting "reassurance". Do that with a friend or here. Or journal. I can't tell you how helpful it is to me to write out all my thoughts and doubts and plans and whatever and the outcome is ALWAYS better when I don't take every little issue (or even the big issues that he doesn't have the answers about) to him. Men seem to universally HATE relationship talks. Don't seek clarity or reassurance. "Act as if" you are confident and secure and happy.
About him getting stuff done when you nag him...NEVER nag him! He may work best when under pressure, but don't let it be pressure from YOU. His procrastination will have natural and logical consequences that he will suffer, let him be responsible. You probably spent too much time "helping" him. If he asked you, maybe you should have, but on the other hand, if I were a man, it might seem emasculating for my wife to act like I'm not capable of doing my own job search.
Let him be a man! Let him kill his own snakes!
I don't know how long you need to do NC--I think you both need a "time out". Don't make it too long!
LITB, thanks you so much for those words of wisdom, I really needed to read those kind of things. I have been pulling on that rope waaaay too long! I hope that my H realises that he misses me and our girls and our life together. The girls and I were talking last night and we do not want him back the way he was. D14 said when I was at work and D13 was at grandmas that he would just sit and surf or watch tv and sometimes he would hardly speak to her all evening. He also swore a lot about silly things and lost his cool over small stuff too. Our house may be very sad and lonely just now but it is more calm and peaceful if that makes sense?
Lydia, so much of what you said was true. I'm a fixer for sure and I realise that it's a terrible thing now. I can see how I may have been emasculating him and feel remorse for that. I am sure one of his major issues is that of feeling a failure especially with regards to work/money. He also used to have a job of importance in the town and was well recognised and thought of well. I think he misses his loss of status there as he is just another body at his current job.
I am sure you will all be disappointed to know that I broke NC today. I had to discuss our finances with H so left a voice mail and text. He text me back not sure what the issue was. Basically I said that we are very close to our budget this month due to a lot of extra outgoings. We text back and forth a bit about the problems but I decided to call to sort it out better. We talked about some money issues but could not magic a solution. I have had to borrow from my parents but he will not do the same from his mum.
He said he had not heard from our girls and I said that this time they are very angry. I said that they have eyes and ears and their own opinions on what is happening. I said that I had encouraged contact but would not force it. I mentioned visitation in the future and he might have them on his weekend off. He said that would be ok. I asked where he thought he was going to stay permanently and said he will look into that in the New Year. I still do not know where he is staying and did not ask but it is out of town. I made a bit of small talk and was sure to mention my GAL activities in a nonchalant way and then said got to go and hung up quick smart. I did not cry, beg, plead, sniff or any other behaviour like that and I am quite proud of that.
He text me shortly after to suggest cutting our gym membership but I replied that Ds and I are using it (Part of GAL) and said I was sure he would not like the girls to lose our cable/internet. Afterall I said they should not lose out in this mess. I said there are no other ways to cut bills sorry.
He then suggested I look into benefits which I will do (I will receive some help - he used to think poorly of sinlge mums on benefits!) and would give us any spare cash if he had any left at the end of the month.
I text him that I will get financial advice and said I have to go and pick up the girls. he text back 'tell them I was asking for them' followed by 'remember I have taken nothing from the house and tried to keep things ass amicable as possible. Sorry things are a mess.
I did not text anything back (yay for me!)
What to make of all this? Did I make a mistake? We needed to talk about finances but it was me to break NC. To be fair he has always avoided finances so has no idea about income/outgoings. More emasulation there? He just refused to deal with money and stick his head in the sand. He can do that no longer as he will be responsible fo his own finances and our girls financial wellbeing.
Any thoughts appreciated.
Oh and last week I wrote down a quote from here I think. It really rings true just now. It was 'Mourn the man he was, know the man he is.' I'd love to see that man back and I'd love him back in my life. I wonder if he has gone for good or is still there?
You can't go totally NC when you have kids and need to take care of business.
Sounds like you are handling things well.
I don't think you made any mistakes. If he is really sorry things are a mess, he will try to help clean it up.
It is hard to know what to advise you about money. My men have always been much better money managers than me. If in your situation, it is the reverse, maybe it isn't bad that you have handled it. Really, I think marriage is about working together and making the most of each others strengths so the other's weaknesses don't cause problems.
I am sure you will all be disappointed to know that I broke NC today. I had to discuss our finances with H so left a voice mail and text.
It is nearly impossible to go NC when children are involved. You are doing very well keeping contact to a minimum. Keep up the good work.
Originally Posted By: turkisheye
The girls and I were talking last night and we do not want him back the way he was. D14 said when I was at work and D13 was at grandmas that he would just sit and surf or watch tv and sometimes he would hardly speak to her all evening. He also swore a lot about silly things and lost his cool over small stuff too. Our house may be very sad and lonely just now but it is more calm and peaceful if that makes sense?
This paragraph brings up a question that most LBS'es lose sight of(myself included). Were you happy before the bomb or before getting into this mess? I know that I wasn't.
After I typed the question above, I went back to read all of your post again. By what I can gather, you weren’t happy either. Please correct me if I am wrong. It seems to me as though it was just a matter of time before one of you had enough.
That being said, it is time to start looking forward. Look at this as a gift from your H. An opportunity for you to grow.
What can you do to make yourself happy? You need to take a hard look at yourself. Remember that DB’ing is about focusing on solutions and things that work. So no matter what happens with your R/M to your H, you will be happy at the end of the day. More importantly, you will be a great example of strength and dignity for your daughters.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This paragraph brings up a question that most LBS'es lose sight of(myself included). Were you happy before the bomb or before getting into this mess? I know that I wasn't.
After I typed the question above, I went back to read all of your post again. By what I can gather, you weren’t happy either. Please correct me if I am wrong. It seems to me as though it was just a matter of time before one of you had enough.
I was generally quite happy. The only times I was not happy were as above when H was , stressed, grumpy and distant with me or our girls. I have stuggled since the first time he left with insecurity which has not been nice but I feel that over the last few months I was making good progress. I do need to get my own life though and have started looking around for some opportunuties just for me. My mum has asked would I go back to the way things were? I am unsure. Some days a resounding yes, others a more definite no.
