Expecting the worst, hoping the best

[turkisheye]

Hello everyone,

Me - 35
H - 38
together 18 years (since 16 and 19)
married 15 years
two daughters 15 and 13
H left home for 2 weeks Nov 09
H wants to leave again but stays Feb 11
H left home ILYBINILWY Oct 11

I am in a terrible mess and I feel like it is pretty much my own fault. This might be a long post so please bear with me. Almost 2 years ago my husband walked out one afternoon. He gave just the one reason - that he didn't love me anymore. I did all the classic wrong things, I cried begged, made him feel guilty over leaving our two wonderful girls although at the time I just thought I was trying to make him see sense. He returned 2 weeks later just a day or so after saying he did not want too. He saw his GP and went on medication for depression. Things were rocky for a while. I was clingy, needy and constantly looking for reassurance. After that it seems to become a roller coaster with great highs and terrible lows. About a year ago I had a moment of insaneness and voiced doubts about my commitment to our relationship which I instantly realised was not true. It was more that I felt I might get out before he hurt me again if that makes sense? He was gutted to hear. I could see that physically affect him. He said he thought he would never hear that from me. Things were a bit better until Feb this year when he said he wanted to leave again. This time he didn't and at this point I should have got to grips on our marriage but didn't. Things were up and down again but far more up for me personally as I was forgetting the hurt of in initial bomb. A couple of months ago we had a weekend away just the two of us for the first time ever. It was great. We held hands and had a great time. On our return we booked a two week trip away for next summer. He went away for a week walking with friends then me and the girls picked him up and we all went on holiday together. I thought he did not act thrilled to see me and I acted a bit cool I guess to save my feelings. The middle part of or holiday was great. We were intimate and had fun. We had an argument on the last night as he appeared to hide his phone from me when I came into the room. He has said to me before about my paranoia. We made up later and left to come home after him saying he had had a great holiday and giving me a hug. Then on Sunday my life fell apart. He said he wanted to leave again - I love you but I'm not in love with you /more like friends/ he wants exciting/ not sure who he is etc. He says I am jealous, clingy, controlling etc He mentioned he does not want to turn out like his dad, an abusive alcoholic. His mum and dad divorced and he has had no contact with his dad for about 4 years. We have financial stresses but no debt nor threat of losing out home just seem to run out all the time. He seems so lost in life. He told me our girls will be fine. He also said if he had not come back the last time we would all be over this by now. We got into a really big fight. He said I was screwed up for wanting to have him back even if he doesn’t want to be here. I said I wanted him back here and happy. He went to bed and left me on the sofa but I – and I still can’t believe I was so stupid – made him get up and I drove him to his sister’s house in the middle of the night. He was angrier than I ever saw him and told me this was the type of stuff he hates. That I was doing this to make a point (I just found it too hard to wait until morning for him to leave so I guess it was selfish for me to have him wakes his sister to save me waiting for him to leave). He text me the next day to ask if he needed to come stay with our girls whilst I went to work but I text back saying I was going to stay off. (Initially the last time I made him come around every day to see the girls but that just upset me and I used the time to beg him to come back so not wanting to see him this time, hope that makes sense?) He came around the next morning to collect pretty much all his clothes. He asked for the car for work but I said no and he got mad. I stayed calm but still tried to reason with him and said all the wrong things much to my shame. He text our girls to say sorry about all this, miss you and love you. He also text our youngest on her 13th birthday on Thursday to wish her a happy birthday. I had to text him on wed to let him know that she did not want to see him on her birthday. Apart from that no contact. I had to visit his mum yesterday to take my daughter out to get her birthday presents. His sister and young nephew were there and acted as if everything was normal. I never asked after him and they never mentioned him. We do not have a close relationship with his family. I do not know where he is staying.

I My life is in tatters, is there any hope?

[turkisheye]

Reading this back I feel I left out some important stuff. H said he hated how I kept bringing up the past hurt. I have to talk things out and I was seeking reassurance that he just couldn't give. I realise that this behaviour has hurt my H and our relationship. I know I have issues to deal with. Four years ago he quit a good job for the one he does now. It paid less but he wanted to get out of his old job which he found stressful.. Initially he was happier but slowly he has come to hate it and is desparate to get out. He is currently working towards some qualifications that would mean a good pay increase but after 2 1/2 years he has still not done them. I tried to be supportive but made him mad by bringing that fact up and onn the other hand he says he only got work done on them when I nagged him. Most other folks take 6 mos to a year to complete. I spend hours online looking for job opportunities for him. His job can be extremely stressful. He used to say it was the biggest mistake of his life until out fight on Sun when he said that maybe his job is not so bad and that it's the stress of living a lie with me that makes it hard. I really don't know what to think about it all. he text this morning to say he will be removing some funds from our account when he gets paid and leaving the rest for my and my DDs and the bills. The message also said he will do the same next month (I guess he is planing on this being for good This might leave us tight for the month as we have some big additional expenses this month. I text him back a few hours later and all i put was thank you for letting me know. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm reading all this back again. Is this an ongoing MLC? Does he feel like a failure? He did say he has achieved nothing with his ilfe and has not been successful. He asked me if I thought I was successful and i told him i thought so until he left the first time. I had a happy husband and happy kids and a modest but nice home and life.

I'll add more thoughts as I have them.

[LITB]

Hi turkisheye,

I see that you posted all the issues in your relationship. What have you done to eliminate any of them? It seems to me that you both are entrenched in your own stances and nothing gets resolved.

It could be that neither of you are right or wrong, it is a matter of perspective. What can you do to change the dynamics of the relationship? It only takes one person to change and positively affect the other. Have you read the Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? If not, get it asap. In the meantime, read other threads, articles, archives, etc. on this site and keep posting.

I am going to ask you for a couple of favors. Can you copy the stats at the beginning of your post into your signature to make it easier for us to remember you? Also, can you break up your post to make it easier to read? Sorry to be a pain. Just trying to help you out.

There is hope, but it begins with you. Time and patience.

[turkisheye]

Thanks you for reply LITB. We do indeed both seem entrenched. Just before my birthday in June H was a bit down. That brought me down. I told him I found it hard to be all smiles and PMA and enjoying the good things when he is down. He said the same was true about me. I asked which came first the chicken or the egg and he laughed. It was a good chat and one of the times he has been more open.

I have not addressed all my issues but will try every day to make good choices. Since he is awol and I am in NC mode (very 180 for me) I am unsure what to do next apart from GAL. I am decorating mad at the moment. I have also applied for another job. I am tryin got be upbeat for myself and my girls.

I passed some urgent mail on via his sister tonight. I knew she would be at a school function so took it with me. She said she would pass it on. Last time I would probably have called him to discuss it so I guess I am learning the rules. It is soo hard though. I miss his voice, his smell, his touch and just being with him (just sobbing typing that ). I am guessing to stay dark until he gets in touch with me for whatever reason?

I have spoken to my daughters' guidance teacher today and she will meet with them tomorrow. My D14 has some exams coming up in a few weeks and has already started to find things difficult. Guidance teacher noticed that D13 was unhappy looking and distant in class at the end of last week.

They have both said they do not want to text/speak to/see their dad yet as they are angry. Should I encourage them to make contact or not? I have done but said when they are ready. Is my letting them decide what to do reinforcing their anger? Or at their age are they apt to know what is best for them? I have tried not to show anger about my H but it is hard. At times I feel he does not love them enough to stay and work through our issues. I don't feel you should stay together for the kids, I feel you should make it work for the kids. But even of there were no kids involved I would still be here wanting to make my M work because I love my husband.


Feeling rubbish tonight as he would have been off shift tonight to come with me and DD to the school meeting about her upcoming skip trip and we would have been planning what to do on his day off tomorrow.

[dbmod]

^

[LITB]

Your daughters are watching how you handle your sitch. I know it is difficult, but you have to focus on yourself and your girls. They need you to be strong for them.

My children are much younger, so I am not of much help in that department. There are some great vets that will be able to give you better advice regarding your daughters.

You NC mode is good. Not only for your H to miss you, but for your own sanity. You will hear about dropping the rope and detachment. sandi2 has a great analogy about dropping the rope. I will post it on your thread tomorrow if someone hasn't posted it by then.

Have you read or ordered the Divorce Remedy? You can read the first chapter on this site. You can also pull up Michele Wiener-Davis clips on youtube.

Here's a link on detachment that should help:
Livestrong Developing Detachment

I had typed up a post and lost it. Hang in there and be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

[turkisheye]

Well what a disaster with my NC plans. I had to phone H and leave a voicemail. Our money issues are bigger then I thought this month. I was polite and said I was only calling with regards to our finances and our D's. I am dreading him calling back and how to handle things.

[LITB]

Here is the "dropping the rope" analogy by sandi2.

Hope this helps with what I refer to as dropping the rope in your M.

Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little bit so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.

[LITB]

I wanted to share another post with you from the archives.

Here's some absolutely great advice from Greg. Thanks, Greg.
********************************
Do you feel like you can't go on? Like your world is nothing without your spouse?

Well... YOUR FEELINGS ARE DECEIVING YOU. You can go on, and you can have a great life without your spouse.
After marriage, you both come to rely on one another for many things; love, confidence, security, and many other physical, psychological, and material needs.

But, how did you survive on your own before you were married? Could you survive on your own before you were married? Are you surviving on your own now? Legitimate questions here folks.
Marriage requires a certain amount of co-dependency from each spouse as noted above. Here's the kicker: You have to learn to be independent before you can successfully be co-dependent. This is not a one-way street either, both spouses must learn to fend for themselves.

Giving your walkaway forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth (the soul?) and individualism is the BEST thing you can do for your troubled relationship.

And You. You need to build/maintain your own unique individualism, and be comfortable on your own before your walkaway spouse will see you in a positive light. These positive changes are what manifest into major doubts for the walkaway spouse as to whether or not they are doing the right thing by leaving you. The right thing meaning, the right thing for THEM. After all, this really is about them.

Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.

So, is this crisis in your life really a crisis, or an opportunity for personal growth in disguise?
People, please take care of yourselves FIRST. It will do incredible things for you and your relationship.

Peace.
G

[tnmom66]

Are you Turkish? Your name caught my eye. My child's father is Turkish. We never married and he's "in the relationship" but we've got the ILYBINILWY thing going on.

Do read Michele's "The Divorce Remedy" if you haven't already. I also recommend Susan Page's books. Michele recommends them, too. Susan Page's "Why Talking is Not Enough" (read first chapter free on her website) or "How One of You can Bring the Two of You Together" are the ones I'm reading--either one will help you.

I'd say not to force you kids to see their Dad, give them some time. Continue to act SANE and both Susan Page and Michele really encourage the "Act As If". If you don't have michele's book yet, her blog has good articles and you tube has some videos. She will not steer you wrong! Your marriage and your daughters are worth all the hard work this will take!

You know what behaviors turn your husband off, so eliminate them. NC is hard, especially with kids, but seems like you're doing well.

If the NC doesn't bring some positive changes, do something different. Implement the 8 loving actions that Susan Page recommends. YOU MUST CHANGE YOURSELF. Your daughters need to see you radiating good will and loving actions towards your husband.

Good luck!