So after 8 years together and 2 great kids my wife has informed me she does not want to be married to me and is not in love with me. We have been having problems since moving back to PA from Los Angeles. We came back because we thought it would be financially better and to raise our kids here with our families. I work for my families mortgage company and the finances have been up and down. She is a psychologist at a university. We never fought just had disagreements and kept it in. We would have 2 blow up fights a year about family and money. About 2 years ago she asked to go to a couples therapist and I said yea then nothing happened. This past Feb we went out on a date and didn't have enough money for a tip this was the start of the downfall. I agreed to go to a couples therapist we went 5 sessions my wife said she thinks we should separate and the therapist said that was premature. We stopped going and I went and found my own therapist to work on my own issues. I realizd all the mistakes I made the past couple of years between some books I read and therapy. She would invite me to bed and I would stay out and watch tv in quiet. We didn't have any dates for a long time. I also worked a second job and worked on weekends. We drifted apart. Stupid reasons. I love her more then anything in this worlld. and she knows it. When she ihit me with she does not want to be married anymore that flattened me. As a therapist I would think she would want to fight for us. Considering she works with couples as well. I realize all I did I am willing to do couples therapy, my own therapy ans well as couples retreats once or twice a year just to make sure we stay happy. Is there anything else I can do. I gave her this website and I am not sure if she looked at it or not. I am currently reading divorce busting and plan on highlighting portions of it that pertain to me. Any ideas to get her on my side in a way?
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but it isn't hopeless. We are here to help you brainstorm solutions to getting your marriage back on track.
At this point in time it is NOT helpful to direct her to this site or for her to read the book. It will actually work AGAINST YOU.
Right now, you want to avoid pushing therapy, don't whine, beg, plead, all of those things.
DO Listen when she wants to talk. Pay attention. Try to really understand what her complaints are. Make it safe for her to really say what she wants to say. Don't try to force it, just allow it, encourage it by your actions. Be helpful.
In the meantime, focus on the POSITIVES because what you focus on expands.
You can't get her on your side. You do have to make enough changes to make you a better husband, partner, father, etc. Then if she comes to your side it will be on her own.
Don't think that b/c she is a psychologist you think she'd be more willing to fight. In some was they are less willing. I will say that being married to a psychologist presents a unique set of challenges. My W is a Neuropsychologist. If she is a Ph.D, then she may look down on DB or dismiss it as pop psychology. It doesn't help that MWD writes for Psychology Today. Or that DB's efficacy has not been subjected to a peer review (that I know of).
So beyond not letting her know about this place. She may actually look down on you for suggesting this.
Ultimately DB is for you but I will tell you that you have to be genuine in your effort. Psychologists have a pretty good BS meter.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
yes, harrier. My W is a therapist and can sometimes see right through me if I have a trace of bs.
Here are the BIG 37 rules:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned change
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Hello Witz. Sorry you are here. Good that you are reading the book, I agree wholeheartedly, you want to discourage s from looking at this site, since you already mentioned to her, I would not even mention it again.
My suggestion is to take some time and read through as many of the different stories on this board as possible. Listen to what some of the vets are telling you, they have been in the trenches and have tremendous knowledge and experiences. You might want to consider trying the DB coaching sessions, I did my first one last week, and while it may have been too late for me(dont know yet), they will be able to give you specific steps and strategies to wwork with. Again, cant stress enough to read, read, read, and post on as many other threads as possible, to get some exposure for your sitch. Good luck, feel free to corespond with me.
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
@in shock thank you for the list, very informative and helpful. I will be printing it out. Thank you everyone that answers, its good to know you are never truly alone. I speak with friends that know both of us regarding this just to get perspective. I am not texting or emailing her unless she reaches out to me first. We talk about the kids, finances and scheduling thats pretty much it. Its also hard right now cause my sons bday is next week and we are figuring out what to get him plus holidays coming up and how they will work. My goal is little contact as possible. I pick up my kids on tuesday and thursday she works late so I get to see them eat dinner and put them to bed. She comes home from the gym 930pm. We say hi give an update on kids and I am out. Thats it. I had my kids this past weekend and when I dropped them off she started the conversation asking about my sisters bday. Which was a fiasco cause my sister is all stressed out and so is my family. So I gave her a quick update that was it. When I am there I only do the dishes that I use with the kids and get the kids lunches started up for the next day. She just asked me to do that within the last few weeks. I think after her own therapy. Should I offer to assist in hanging things or picking things up? For instance she just bought a mirror to hang and its a two person job. I don't want her to ask a certain person for help. Do I offer?
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Sorry forgot something in my last post with everything that is going on, we still have a joint checking account that my check goes into. What should I do with this? Do I contact an attorney and see how much I should give her each week. My feeling this is premature. She still needs time and further counseling. Her bday is coming up and I already picked up some gifts nothing expensive. Should I just say they are from our kids? Do I get her flowers for my sons bday or her bday? My therapist said if it is what I would normally do then proceed. Just not sure. If I go outside the box does it make her think. Also I have been buying new clothes, going to the gym and yes wore cologne last night when I dropped off my kids. The peacock effect.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Great advice and most days I agree. But how do you get past the anger from rejection.
This is something I struggle with. The past two months I allowed myself to be angry and feel rejected and man did it almost eat me alive.
I pray.. I pray hard. I pray that God gives me the strength to love my w when she is being so unlovable. I ask him to remind me of all the love he shows me that I can't help but do anything but love her. Because when we have experienced our darkest days and have done our darkest deeds, God still loves us.
We are not God, but we do strive to be like him or if you aren't religious - good people. It's easy to love those who love us.. it's hard to love those who harm us.
Loving our spouse looks different for each of us. Some of us - it means putting our selfish needs aside. Some of us - it means not being a doormat. You must find out what that "love" looks like for you.
I am also guilty of saying - I will not allow my anger and rejections turn into reasons to treat my w the way she is treating me. I will not sink to her level.
I try to stick with the first tactic more than the 2nd. The 2nd risks becoming bitter and why add that on top of being angry and rejected.
The feeling of anger must be experienced but not be allowed to consume you. Not for your w's sake, or your marriage's sake.. but for yours. Because no matter who you are, you don't deserve the life that one has when it is consumed by anger.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Ok here is my question. My W is stressing out because of us and her work. She is a psychologist at a university clinic and part time private practice. Do I ask her how her day was and see if she wants to talk when she comes home tonight. Tuesday and Thursdays I pick my kids up and take them home, dinner and bed. When she comes home tell her about kids and leave. She did make dinner and told me it is in the fridge. We are friends not hostile to each other, and I can tell we both hate this situation. Any thoughts? Also her bday is coming up right after Thanks Giving. I already bought her something should I give it to her?
________________ Me 37 W 34 T 13yrs Married 8 years S 6 D 3 S 5/1/11
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
