Thanks so much for that. I'll have to listen to the CDs, but I can see from your notes where this would be so phenomenally helpful for me; last week I tried a tact where I just began focusing on what I want (really truly GALing) and also in interactions with exBF what I want - not what I don't want. Last night, however, I failed.
It's back to the bedtime ordeal - but I know I can't say much. I either have to take over or shut up. And right now, having my 16-hour days to madly recreate my life is where i need to be - it's been a month of this - and I imagine given another month, I'll be in pretty good shape (2, I'd say, but I'm working with what I've got). I knew the moment all this went down pretty much precisely how much time I'd need to return to flourishing - and I can see this time next year being in an entirely better place.
I am so glad that I'm lovingly giving myself the time to grieve and really dig deep and heal on a whole new level.
And I just realized this morning that I am pretty much reinventing every aspect of my life - I was cleaning out my closets - throwing away clothes that are SOOO pathetic (hand me downs that are way too small, have holes or stains - ) stuff that is just drab (gray and black). Yes, I'm still 30 lbs overweight, but I am walking every day and going to the gym and it's time those clothes get DITCHED! Of course, now, I'll have nothing to wear - but my sister lovingly agreed to work with me to rebuild my wardrobe (She always looks amazing) little by little - which I can't wait to do (but have to kind of do it slowly for money reasons).
I want to start dating again in a few months - and while i'm not emotionally ready, I want to at least move toward being physically ready - new clothes, new weight.
I mentioned working with a woman who is going to help me revamp my business, working with my web designer to help me revamp my Web presence, I reworked my resume, I am slowly getting more and more work in. I want to be booked for 2-3 months solid before I let up, though.
I am doing a coaching class on finding love, which is really about finding everything you need in yourself.
I am in the coaching program, which is amazing.
I am having new conversations with my mother (where she finally admitted to not being very nice to me for some time - i.e. telling my sister things about me that weren't nice and using my sister as her therapist around me and she acknowledge how that would be hurtful to my relationship with my sis.)
I am in IC with someone who is very familiar with the Pia Mellody boundary stuff, and also talking with me about learning about healthy relationshps/getting needs met, etc.
I just got a physical and am taking care of dental work and working with a friend on finances and a Dave Ramsey coach if needed.
I love it!
And I guess, most importantly, learning to let go with exBF. Just leettttttinng goooooo whenver I possibly can.
Just went for a great walk with a friend. I thought the convo might drag me down, but it actually uplifted me. She's divorced and remarried a guy 14 years younger, but the way she talks about him (IDK- I admit, I didn't think it would work) he sounds fantastic. SHe has two girls - one just entered high school and is already having issues with relationships and boys and she's freaked out. But listening to her and everything she went through with her girls and custody and how they are turning out (my same fears b/c of the way exBF is a lot like her exH) .... IDK. I realized that I STILL CAN'T CONTROL ANY OF IT-
Just like she knows she can't control her D - even though she wants to take her out of the public high school ... I sounded good talking to her. I know it's easier to say than to do - but I can't control this - I can control me and now I see what you guys were saying to me early on - focus on me - what I can control - b/c anything else is silly an illusion a waste of energy manipulation - and I can control my health, my boundaries, and get myself into something healthy.
D will always have her R with her dad, and that can affect her - hopefully not to the extent that it did my friend's D - but all I can do is move on with my life in healthy ways and eventually get myself into something healthy and model that for D.
It was a great walk and a great talk and she and I reconnected after being very close for years (I was there when she was pregnant with her first baby) and she lives the next town over now. And seeing that the man she married is a gem - he might be young (she's 43 now, he's 29) but the stuff she told me he said to her D about this bad boyfriend she's involved with was spot-on and I'm sooooo happy her D has that male role model in her life! And my friend reminded me that I can get into something healthy too - that I deserve it. She was about to meet her H for dinner, and I felt envy - in a good way - like, wow, I look forward to a date with my H one day! (Something exBF and i never did, unfortunately -) - I know there was a time when we could have, but we just never went out - or if we did it was out of a feeling of obligation and it never felt very connected.
I'm wiped. Going to be early tonight. Taking D to a pumpkin patch tomorrow. Just overall feeling better with this recent shift.
I should mention that last night, I did give exBF a "consequence" re: bedtime. She is on such an overtired spin right now that once took me months to correct when it happened badly over the summer right as he was leaving, that I said, "you can put her to bed anytime you want - you can let her come back out of the room and eat - all that is fine - sorry if I got upset about it earlier" (I did b/c he can't seem to EVER get her in bed at 7 and then it ends up being 9 by the time she cries and begs for food and he lets her get back out of bed and eat, etc.- annoying - but I said, "I spent three months trying to get her back on a schedule over the summer - she stopped napping and got so badly overtired she was sleeping only 8 hours a night with no nap and insane during the day" (he didn't remember - of course he didn't b/c he didn't b/c I didn't even involve him)
So you can do what you want, as long as you realize what happens to her when things get like this - and you can be the one to bring it back into balance this time.
Well, he said tonight she can't leave the room - and he got her down pretty fast.
ExBF was at his family's house today for the first time since he told them we broke up.I guess in some way, I'd had it in my head that they might talk some sense into him; though I can see now that's not going to happen. I guess not being married to him leaves me with no credibility and half his family doesn't talk to him or me anyway - he told them we decided to be friends - ha. There's a family party I want to go to next week, though IDK- showing up now that everyone knows and acting like everything is normal feels ... stupid.
I know I'd have more support from them if it was all dramatic and "OMG, exBF left Lila!" But since the pr package is such that "we decided to be friends," who would say anything? They must just think I'm an idiot.
Why do you think you would have more support if you were dramatic about it?
Didn't you say in an earlier post that you weren't really close with his family and you were upset when he told you they said they were sorry and to say hi (which would imply they already knew you both were no longer together)?
"D will always have her R with her dad, and that can affect her"
it in your daughters best interest that you do everything in your power to foster a great relationship between him and her.
and this is work. you'll need to constantly put your fears, and pain, and regret, and revenge aside.
and this includes making him feel guilty because you dont agree with his parenting. Dont make yourself the little voice in his head that prevents him from being comfortable around her.
and i say this from direct experience.
i'm raising my daughter my way, which is the only way i know how. i let her steer the car in parking lots, i let her stand up with my jeep top down, i let her stay up late and eat junk food, but i also teach her how to read and spell and math and good eating and importance of exercise, how to be polite, respect for elders, be nice to your friends, etc etc.
the toughest part of my relationship with her is the x's voice in my head. dont be that.
and i understand your desire to have your child on a schedule. thats great.
but, 7? i've never seen a child who would go to sleep by 7. and trying to get her in bed that early is the cause of all the problems you have putting her to bed. at 2, if i ran my daughter ragged during the day, 8 oclock is early. unless she didnt nap at all.
now at 5 3/4 (she'd insist i add the 3/4 part) she's in bed by 9, consistently, thats just her time, her body clock determines it. if i tried to get her in bed by 8, she'd toss and turn till 10.
but thats your choice, and the fights comes with that choice.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Lila don't bet that you'd get any more support from his family even if it was "dramatic". Blood is thicker than anything, and while they may hate what he does or is doing, they have to put up with him for the rest of their lives. I have yet to see a family who really will stand up to their members.
My W started feeling out her family last week about some things. I guess a small part of me thought they would tell her she's crazy... test her theories... ask her the hard questions. But no... they simply reinforced her narrative and stayed quiet. Since then her sister has asked me what my W is thinking, but will she challenge my W? Not a chance.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
