Yeah...Now What?

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm new to this board, but not to this site. For those who don't visit the newcomers board often, I'll give you the cliff notes version of my sitch.

H & I have been married over 5 years now, but have been separated for 8 months. 8 months today, as a matter of fact. We have no children together, I have a S15 & S10 from a previous M, and he has a S7 from a previous relationship.

I'll be the first to admit that a lot of the problems we were having were due to my own issues I've had in life and not dealing with them properly. I took my H for granted in a lot of ways and did not treat him very well.
I started to see a C for myself back in January, and with her help I have changed my life dramatically. I am so proud of the woman I am becoming.
H moved out Feb 20th and has been staying with a "coworker". I use this term loosely because I'm about 92% positive there is more to it than that.

We have not seen or spoken to one another since May, and even though their isn't anything filed at this point, I think it's pretty safe to say our M is over.

[~ kd ~]

Hey DG, welcome to the separated forum...

Can't remember when I came to this area but have now transitioned on... I'm at 11.5 mo. separated now... and... (not just) "thinking about leaving..."

What now, you ask... good question...

Most of the time I spent in this area was truly the moments I detached and reflected inwards and let go my fears and pain...

I know you've done a lot of that already, but you may find that you will re-experience a lot of that now, some sharp pains, and some... not so much...

So I'd recommend that you spend some real, quality time with yourself and set to task some real changes you want to make in yourself and perhaps developing goals for a future that may unfold without your H...

Put them to paper, plan the work, and work the plan...

Cheers to you and good wishes!

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi KD-

Thanks for the response to my post.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. For the most part I think I am doing very well for where I am at in my life, but I will admit that sometimes my thoughts will wander and think of him and feel such an intense pain of sadness, it takes everything in me not to weep.

Sometimes I do let the tears fall, and others I tell myself to be strong. Not that tears are a sign on weakness, I just get tired of crying.

I've gotten better at realizing the only thing I have control of is myself, and it's easier to go through out my day with that thought.

For the most part, my life is good. The kids & I spend a lot of time together, and when they are with their Dad I spend a lot of time with my friends, or sometimes with myself doing things I enjoy doing.
I have amazing, amazing friends who have been so supportive, they truly have become my family.

I spend time with my family also, but I don't discuss my sitch with them. I just prefer to keep it to myself. My family is dysfunctional on all sorts of levels (what family isn't?) and it's just easier for me to not talk with them.

[~ kd ~]

Yes, I do believe you and a couple others have done a lot of the deeper emotional work while over at newbies. And everyone will tell you that there are still moments...

I can't remember who wrote it or where, but just yesterday I remember reading a question that can take a long time to answer and is important in order to move on:

What do you want for you and your future?

If your answers aren't clear and concise in your mind, then you are still at a place where you need to do some more soul searching...

[jbnati]

DG, yeah I lurk on this part of the board occasionally.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. For the most part I think I am doing very well for where I am at in my life

I would agree, DG. You have come a long way. I wish your H would get with the program and work on himself. I suspect you miss who you H used to be, not who he is now.

I can completely identify with the way you described your life. Part of my life is great, even better than it's ever been. There's a part of it, too, that's total crap. There ain't much in between. I choose to concentrate on the great part of my life as much as I'm able.

[~ kd ~]

There's a part of it, too, that's total crap. There ain't much in between. I choose to concentrate on the great part of my life as much as I'm able.

JB, this is really, really important that you point out... and for you and DG and anyone who is at this point...

This is where there comes a time... we need to work on the cr@p... otherwise, we can't really move forward...

This is not about making the cr@p better... it's about figuring out WHY it's cr@p... what's causing us to hold onto the cr@p and not work through it or keep it...

Dump the cr@p... a bit at a time... and we find that our lives have less... cr@p...

[~¤DG¤~]

KD-

You pose an interesting question.
I believe I know somewhat what I want for my future, but not everything.
I do know I want to be happy, and fulfilled. But exactly how, that I don't know. I think I still need to work on that.
A lot of the changes that I've made I want to keep forever, because for the first time in my life I feel like I'm standing on my own 2 feet. I'm not angry, I'm not judgmental, I've evolved into a woman that I am proud of.
Accepted my flaws as they are, but will always strive to be a better person.
So in a nut shell, that is what I want.

Everything else...it's up in the air.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

Pretty good weekend so far.
Had dinner with my Mom after work last night, then came home to relax and watch TV for a bit.

Slept in a little bit this morning, then met my friend for coffee.
There is a new shop in town and we've kind of become regulars there, and the owner always comes out and talks to us.

Afterwards, relaxed at home for a bit and then did a little shopping with my friend. It was a beautiful fall day out and we went downtown to see the shops and have lunch.

Now tonight we are meeting up with other friends which will be fun.
Even though I am having fun, and I am enjoying my life, I can still feel that tiny spot that is missing.
It's more like a dull ache.

I try not to think about my H or what he is doing, but sometimes it's hard.
I used to obsess about it, and I don't anymore.

I consider that progress.

[ncl]

DG,

Indeed, you have made great progress! Yes, there are going to be times when you get down and need to mourn and cry, and that's okay. The great thing is that you work through those times in positive ways using the tools you have learned from your therapist, and then you get back up again and carry on. In my opinion, that is the healthiest of ways in dealing with pain. It would be easier to sit at home feeling sad and lonely, but instead you get out and have fun with your friends, family and on your own. You also are a great mom. Give yourself the credit you deserve, and never forget how far you have come.

I sincerely hope your husband wakes up before it's too late; otherwise, he's missing on a great lady.

Take care, and have a good week, lc4

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks IC4- I hope he wakes up also but at this point I really don't think that will happen. I don't know what the future holds.