Well, I'm reading multiple books at the same time. about 4 of Michele's and also 2 by Susan Page (who was given nice reviews by Michele).
Michele's book "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" seems to be really helpful in my case.
I really like Susan Page's advice of looking for solutions that do not involve asking your partner to change. In my relationship, I think there won't be any major change. But a little tweaking may make all the difference. I think my goals of what I'd like to see HIM do are setting me up for disappointment. For instance...I'd like for him to call me just to "check in" and let me know he's thinking of me. Yes, he used to do that. But things are different now. I see him 5 days a week instead of two. It is impossible for me to have a 1-1 1/2 hour long phone conversation with him in the evenings without constant interruptions from my little girl. He is also working on a project at home after work that needs his time (after he has already spent 2 hours "quality time" with our daughter.)
The eye contact goal was met, my affection was accepted and even responded to positively, if without much enthusiasm. He did meet me for a date, and although it didn't go as well as I'd have liked, he DID show up. Rather than expressing my disappointment for him not showing the excitement and enthusiasm I'd like for him to, I should have really been so appreciative about the progress he has made.
I think the LRT or 180 were not the most appropriate strategies, but I think it hasn't hurt anything and it has given me time to think. A little distancing every once in a while is probably a good thing, anyway.
I think I should continue my "I love you" and hugs and casual kisses (and "serious" kisses when I get the opportunity).
I have already told him that I love him just the way he is and I wouldn't change him even if I could. He's wonderful just the way he is. Yes, I need more emotional intimacy, but I'm not going to beat him over the head for not giving it to me.
I am passionate about and committed to this man and our relationship. I will never, never, never give up on it. There will always be room for improvement, but I think that is a good thing.
Susan says I should be OKAY with having to be the one who says, "I love you" and initiates hugs and kisses and such. That is my job, I guess, and he is gracious in accepting it. He may NEVER say "I love you", but that is okay. He cares for me and I just want to give that "love" whatever it needs to develop. I think I will eventually get what I need and I'll get it quicker if I can give him what he needs. I think what he needs most is acceptance.
Susan says, "Let go of the fantasy of what you wish the relationship were like, and let your self enjoy what is actually is." What it actually is for me is a pretty wonderful thing.
I am sex-starved, though. Maybe I should go to "piecing" or "sex-starved".
I just believe that if the physical contact was good, it would help with all the chemicals and hormones that make him experience "feelings".
I think the 180 I needed was on my attitude, not on my actions. Of course, Michele says to change yourself. I notice that she changed the name of her "A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man without his ever knowing it".
I am still thinking I am on the right track. It makes all the difference to have a partner who is committed to the welfare of the family. I know I didn't have that with my ex-husband and I appreciate it all the more because of that.
I am really sad for those people who are going through the heart-wrenching times. I have been there myself.
I am still pretty happy, having got my "batteries recharged" a few weeks ago with about 30 minutes off affection and quiet time with the man I love. But it will soon wear off. Before that happens, I would like to see another "baby step" forward for the relationship as far as intimacy goes.
Lydia - have you read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not, it is highly recommended reading.
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of Affirmation - Quality Time - Receiving Gifts - Acts of Service - Physical Touch
Once you understand what the love languages are and are certain of which ones apply to you and your spouse (they're likely very different) then you can work on meeting each others emotional needs in a way that is profoundly meaningful for each of you.
The book talks about the need to have our love tanks filled on a regular basis. If your tank is running low or on empty then you are less likely to fill up the tank of your spouse. And that becomes a circular dilemma. So, someone has to start the process.
If your relationship is otherwise good, then maybe this can be a joint exercise in introspection and, well, you never know.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
yes, I have the book. I think my main love language is quality time and my close second is words of affirmation. I am not sure what his is. I think it may be "acts of service" because that is what he gives me the most of. I try to speak all the languages to him.
I think he feels loved but he has a huge issue with intimacy and it causes him a lot of anxiety. He knows I love him, but that is kind of a problem because he doesn't want to get too close. It is a pretty tricky situation and I need to figure out how I can feel close enough to be getting my intimacy needs met while giving him the distance he needs.
I believe that most people who SPEAK "Acts of Service" do so because they wish to RECEIVE "Words of Affirmation".
That makes sense.
I absolutely cover this man up with "Words of Affirmation". I have always tried to do and say all I can to let him know how wonderful, handsome, intelligent, sexy, masculine, kind, generous, etc. he is and what a fantastic father. I make sure he knows how important he is to me. I have always wanted to make sure he feels loved and appreciated. I admire and appreciate him in general and for specific things almost every day.
I really wish I was getting some love and appreciation and admiration from him, but I obviously value him for other things. The guy who was pursuing me so hotly for 3 weeks really "laid it on thick" as far as admiration goes. I was so pretty (everything about me), so sweet, such good company, etc., etc. That was nice, and he also gave me physical touch,and quality time but he just wasn't the one for me.
