New and confused!! Need your thoughts...

[FreeBird0120]

Hello everyone:
I'm new to this, so hopefully I use all the correct abbreviations and terminology. And hopefully I can keep this extremely brief:

I have been with my H for 14 years, and the majority of those years have been wonderful. In the last 3 years it has progressively gotten worse. We started pulling away from each other for many different reasons. I think it really started once we had our D who is now 11. Our focus started to change.

We both contributed to where we ended up 3 months ago. Anyways, in the beginning of August, he told me those dreaded words: ILYBINILWY. I was devastated. I asked if there was someone else, and he said no, but I had a feeling that this mutual friend of ours from his workplace might have something to do with it. She is unhappily married and I'd noticed that he'd been talking about her a lot lately. He said that he wasn't dating anyone, but in the future if he had to pick someone it would be her. He claimed and still claims that they are just really good friends, and that she was his ear when mine wasn't available. Yes, he had an EA with her.

In the last 3 months he has come to me twice asking that I not give up on him, that we wants me and his family, and to give him the benefit of the doubt and twice he has supposedly told her they couldn't talk anymore so he could work on his family, but each time she would be the reason in one way or another for him stating that he couldn't do it anymore.

He suffers from childhood traumatic experiences and is severely depressed. He has recently gone on medication for his depression, but claims that he is on a self destructive path and will eventually pull the bottom out of everything good in his life. He says that I deserve so much more than he can give me, and just wants my happiness.

We are living in the same house until I can financially afford to get my own place, so that will be at least until January 2012. We have agreed to be friends for our D11, and although it's been very awkward, we are both really trying to be civil and cordial. He has moved all of his belongings out of our room so that I have my own space to escape to. He currently sleeps on the couch.

I have been able to forgive him for everything so that I can move forward in a healthy manner. I'm not the kind of person who holds grudges, or wants to hold on to the anger and resentment. I'm not made that way I guess. And because I love him so very much, it's hard to keep those feelings in my heart towards him.

In the last 2 days, he's shown a bit of a different side to himself. The day before yesterday he was extremely down and sad. I could tell he'd been crying a lot, and our D could even tell. He text me quite a bit that evening even though we were in the same house, and said that he wouldn't bother me with his feelings or problems, that they were his cross to bear, but that he wished me nothing but happiness, and that he would never turn his back to me and would always worry and care about me.

Last night we went to his ex wife's house for dinner (she became my best friend years ago and their son has had the best of both worlds because of the relationship we have established for him and for each other.) At first he wanted to discuss legalities as far as living sitch, etc. when we were alone, but as the night progressed, he started bringing up old memories of us when things were really great between us. Like the first time we went on a trip together and the song we listened to over and over. The time we played on a softball team together and how much fun we had. And the time he came to my apt. and told me he was in love with me. He remembered exactly what I was wearing and what I said to him. When we left and came home, he hugged me goodnight and held me for a little bit. He tucked me in and made sure I was comfortable and okay, and then gave me another hug in which he held me for a while again.

He has texted me all morning this morning joking around with me and it feels really good, but I don't know what to think about it. Is he just glad we're able to get along together, or is he missing me?? I'm so confused and scared to get my hopes up. I've come so far in my healing that if he were to throw me away again, I don't know that I could withstand that pain.

What should I do guys?? I love and want him back so bad, but am scared he'll hurt me again...Please help me...

[2thepoint]

Hi Dyna! Welcome! Sorry to hear about your situation. My first recommendation is to read the Divorce Remedy, several times if necessary. I think for now you must not pursue because that will push him further away. Try to disengage as much as possible. It sounds like your H is confused and doesn't know what he wants. Pull back as much as you can to give him space and read the posts here to gain perspective and understanding.

Best wishes... we're all rooting for you!

[OmegaZed]

Welcome to the board Dyna,

It is during these difficult times we learn the importance of patience, strength and unconditional love.

While I am by no means an expert, I believe what you can do during this is incredibly important.

Simply be his wife.

Continue to love him, continue to do the things you need to do for your relationship and your child. Let him deal with his emotions and self value, you have no control over how he acts or reacts, but you do have control over everything you do.

Do you want your husband to see you needy and depressed, or do you want your husband to view you as the strong capable and loving woman you are? If the past two days are any indication, you're on the right track and he is indeed piggy backing on his initial thoughts of ILYBINILWY.

Don't push or pursue his EA...continue being the supportive and loving wife. To him and his mind when you ask about the OW, it's viewed as nagging, pushing away even though you and I know it's not the case as you're probably just showing concern. However in his warped mind it is viewed as the complete opposite and instead will validate his reasonings for confiding in someone else.

Continue to be you. Bond with your daughter. Live, laugh and love.

Don't worry, it gets better.

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you 2thepoint and OmegaZed...I agree with both of you. I have ordered the DB book and anxiously await it's arrival. I haven't however ordered the DR book. I will once I've read DB...

I just feel in my heart that we were supposed to grow old together. He's not a bad person at all, in fact I feel that he's just let years of ugliness and heartache build and is finally broken down from it.

Wish us luck in finding what I know has always been there but has been hidden for so long...

[FreeBird0120]

Well, here's an update:

I started getting too much hope right away in the memory lane he took me down the other night and all the texts yesterday, so I did it...I looked at our phone bill and sure enough he's been texting her A LOT...He's still texting me but not as much...I hate her soooo much!!! And even though I can't be mad at him because we're "not together" anymore, I'm so disappointed in him...ugh I just want this to be the way it's supposed to be and I haven't received the DB book in the mail yet so that I can start getting to work. HELP!!!

[dbmod]

Hi Dyna-

Welcome to divorcebusting.com-officially!

While you're waiting for your book to arrive, read everything on this site about THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE. It will help you 'begin'. Then read Michele's posts on the Infidelity forum.

What you focus on expands, so focus on the positives, the things you have going well in your relationship right now, even if it's small.


Hang in there,
dbmod

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks dbmod...

New update...we spent all of Friday night and Saturday night together. Friday night he slept in the bed with me, even though he's moved all of his stuff out of our room and sleeps on the couch. I pretended to be asleep while he kept getting closer and closer to me, semi rubbing my back and when he finally got up he came over to me, knelt down and thanked me for allowing him to sleep in the bed with me and hugged me and then left for work.

Yesterday he text me and asked if we could talk with me for a little bit so I said yes. when he got home he'd brought home a twelve pack and we sat down. We just chit chatted for a little bit, and then I asked him what he wanted to talk about, and he said nothing he just wanted to hang out with me and chit chat. We spent all night just talking about casual stuff, nothing about our R or anything like that. When we decided to turn in for the night, I could tell he wanted to sleep in the bed with me again, because he just kept staring at me and semi following me around the house as I was turning things off for bed, so I looked at him and said "are you sleeping out here or did you need the bed again for your back", he claimed that the couch was hurting his back, and he said, "if its okay with you and you don't mind" and I told him it was fine. Neither night did anything happen other then sleeping next to eachother.

This morning he text me for awhile after he left for work, and then it tailed off. I found out that he'd been texting her all day yesterday and is now texting her as we speak.

I'm so confused, and I'm not sure what he wants from me. What do I do now...how do I get this EA to stop?? Can it be stopped??

My DB book hasn't come in yet, so I don't know if I'm doing the right things here...I feel like right now he has his cake and is eating it too. And like I said, since we have ended the R, we aren't technically married, but we're common law, and we are just friends at this point, that he get's to have both of us the way he wants us.

I feel like the EA is really coming close to becoming a PA, and if that happens, it just can't happen. Once it does I'm afraid that I will lose him to her. She's still married herself, and is currently hiding her "friendship" with my H from her H...

I'm so scared and confused and don't know what to do at this point. Please help me...

[OmegaZed]

Definitely read the books when they come in and as dbmod suggested the outlined threads. They're great starting points for your situation

As for your situation, have either of you brought up MC? I know you have the information that your H is still texting this OW, but he may view that as snooping and be upset about it if confronted so a neutral third party may be what is needed to air out these things in a manner where neither party can be accusatory or angry.

Stay strong Dyna!

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks for the reply Omega,

No he has refused counseling using the excuse that he had a horrible experience with a C during his parents divorce. He vowed never to step foot in a C office again.

There is another update however, yesterday we had a talk about some of the recent things I'd noticed him doing i.e. being attentive, and wanting to spend a lot of time with me, and wanting to sleep in our bed with me. I was confused as we, or he had decided we weren't going to try anymore. When I asked him about these things, he stated that he missed his best friend, and has felt drawn to me and can't explain why.

I thought it was extremely interesting that I have been doing 180's and GALing, and it seems to have worked. He can't explain why he is so drawn to me right now. We had a wonderful afternoon just holding each other and loving each other. We did get intimate and it was beautiful. More beautiful then I believe it's ever been.

I do think he is still texting the OW, but he had said something in our talk yesterday that really hit home for me. He said he can't handle it if anyone is upset or mad at him or has ill will towards him. This whole 4 months he's maintained that he and OW are just friends, and that he did have feelings for her at one point when he and I weren't really talking and she was there for him as an ear and made him laugh, but that she is married and he would never do that. But I got to thinking and started wondering if the reason he is still texting her is because they are just friends and he doesn't want to end the friendship and risk her being mad or hurt or upset.

He has been honest with me as far as I can tell, and has told be about his feelings when he started having them for her, but has since said that he just confused his feelings for something that wasn't real.

I have decided that I have given her too much power so far. In this last 4 months, we have tried to work on us twice, this being the third time actually. Each time it failed had something to do with her in one way or another. I have decided that she doesn't exist in my world. I'm not bringing her up to H and I just have to be okay with them being friends. I need to work on being supportive and loving to my H and provide him with a stress free environment. I believe that if I can do that, their "friendship" will lose it's momentum eventually.

What do you guys think?? He has stated that he has always loved me and has enjoyed this last couple of weeks with me. He says that the stress free environment has been amazing.

Should I still be worried about their friendship or not??

[FreeBird0120]

New update:
Sorry if this is a repeat as I can't remember if I already wrote about this update, and my posts aren't put up right away...

We talked Sunday afternoon after he'd text me and told me he missed his best friend and felt like he was pushing himself on me too hard. I told him that we should talk about it more when he got home, so we did.

He said he couldn't explain it, but that he felt drawn to me. He said he's watched me doing all these things (which I think are all of my 180's and GALing) and that he's so happy and proud of me, but that he was a little jealous because these were things he'd wanted from me all along, but I didn't do them for him. He said that he misses me and that he doesn't want to yoyo me, but that he just feels like he can't get enough of me. He said that he wishes he could touch me all the time and hug me all the time, but the few times he has he's gotten scared because he's not sure if he's pushing too hard. He said he's not trying to confuse me, but that he's confused as well.

The OW never came up in conversation, but he had told me that he has a hard time having people mad, hurt or upset with him or having ill will towards him. I think that might be why he hasn't been able to let either one of us go. He asked if he could sit closer to me and when he did I leaned into him and it felt so right as he held me. We kissed a lot and held eachother a lot, and eventually became intimate. It was so beautiful. And again last night we became intimate again.

He is willing to kiss and hug me, and make love to me, but I still have a feeling he's torn about it. I don't think his EA has become a PA yet, but I have a feeling he's still talking to her via text and while they're at work, and possibly on their phones. I have vowed that I am not going to look at our phone bill anymore as it just hurts. I also vowed never to bring up her name again as 1)it has given her way too much power, and 2)He just gets defensive and it pushes him away from me. He has maintained that they are just friends, so I am really trying to trust him with this.

What do you guys think??