During my marriage i had major anxiety and often had panic attacks. I had them so bad that often i would not drive anywhere alone, esp on the interstate.
I always depended on my then h to be the breadwinner. I rarely even worked. I was very co-dependent. AND thats still a work in progress.
I never went to college because I thought I could get by without an education. After all I was counting on my h to take care of me forever.
Never would fly anywhere. My h wanted to take me places but i wouldnt fly.
I counted on my h for everything basically.
Since my divorce, that by the way, I thought was gonna do me in, i have become a much better person. I CAN live without my xh! I CAN take care of myself!
I now drive anywhere I want to go, including the interstate. I am getting ready to go back to college. I am holding down two jobs. One which I own and operate. I havent flown yet but I do intend to. I am no longer afraid to be by myself if I have to.
I was one of the bad ones. I would not listen to advice. I did everything wrong. BUT I also know that my xh had to do what he had to do and No Matter what I couldnt have stopped him. He left me, divorced me, got remarried (to the second ow), AND got her preg in 9 mths time! Yes 9 mths. That was 3 years ago this Nov.
I, on the other hand, found Jesus! I have often told people that my marriage ending waz the BEST....WORST time in my life. Sounds crazy huh?
I am still a work in progress. God isnt finished with me yet!
I have a lot of similar new things to you because I also had a ton of anxiety about similar things!
Here are my changes and self-improvements or things that I likely would not have ever done if I were still married:
1. Drive myself anywhere now, interstates, DC/Baltimore beltway, over the Bay Bridge 2. Go away overnight by myself to hotels/go to conferences where I have to present by myself 3. Still haven't flown yet, but I did tell a friend earlier tonight that I want to fly to England to meet the writer I'm writing a book on at some point if he will agree to meet me 4. Handle an acre property by myself for almost all things that need work (I drew the line at climbing 30 feet up a tree with a chainsaw) 5. Take care of a 31 year old home by myself 6. Take care of 10 cats without any help financially or emotionally 7. Take care of myself without any need for financial help, and took over the mortgage of my home entirely 8. Teach at least 2 extra classes a year (I once swore I'd never teach more than my contract stipulated) and learned how to teach online for extra income and professional development 9. Over halfway finished writing a book for publication 10. Taking meditation classes and consistently practicing Buddhist principles and applying them to becoming a better, more centered, less judgmental and less fearful/anxious person 12. Expanded my friend network by about double if not more...have a lot of new friends far and near, and cultivated much closer relationships with old friends 13. Go out to dinner or for drinks alone all the time 14. Go pretty much anywhere alone and it's just natural now where before it would have terrified me most times 15. Have a stronger relationship with my family, especially my sisters 16. Really feel like I can embrace and celebrate my accomplishments as opposed to push them under the rug with an "Oh it was nothing" attitude when it really was something... 17. Have a lot of concrete goals for the future and see a ton of possibilities for things I want to do 18. In short, I really feel ALIVE and VIBRANT
XH? I have no idea what he's doing/done, really. Not in contact much at all anymore. He's still with OW. I hope one day he realizes he has work to do like I did and he stops hiding from it. I hope something makes him wake up. He made me wake up. My life is better because of what I chose to do with that knowledge. I hope someday he has the guts and strength to do the same.
Looking forward to seeing other people's changes and accomplishments!!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
1. I have MS and relied on my h to do a lot of stuff around the house for me. Since BD I have taken over more chores and he has little chores to do now. I deal with the physical pain the best that I can, but I honestly enjoy doing more things than what I was doing.
2. I went back to college. I love the sense of accomplishment that it has given me so far.
3. I cannot drive due to my eye sight, so instead of relying on H to take me everywhere, I have employed the help of a neighbor. I'm in the mountains so it takes some doing to go places. However I'm about to move to the city again, where I will be using public transportation and getting out on my own way more than ever again.
4. I don't sit in front of the tv as much as I used to do, and I cut out a lot of shows I was watching. I spend my time with family more, and doing GAL things.
5. My attitude. I am working on being more calm about things. I try to keep a positive mental attitude, where before I was somewhat of a nagging type.
I'm so inspired by the really big things others on this board have done. I feel like my changes so far are small by comparison and I'm inspired to dig deeper. Writing them down helps me clarify them so here are my new changes I'm going to work on:
- take care of myself better, health, fitness, grooming, looking good just for myself.
- make fewer assumptions, ask more questions, and really listen to the answers...along with whatever nonverbal communication is coming with them.
- treat relationships as a partnership rather than a battle of the wills. negotiate conflict in a loving and healthy way
- put my family first, stop filling my time with volunteer jobs and pets to surround myself with the affirmation I'm looking for. Be more present for them (need to work on my internet addiction). Work harder at my paying job and be less busy during family time.
- be dependable. Do what I say I'm going to do, waste less breath on aimless plans I don't intend to follow through on.
- be fun to be around. Develop skills and interests (guitar, hiking), pay more attention to current events. Smile more, reach out to friends more.
- be more capable of being on my own. Get back in touch with our finances, get a handle on our spending, be involved in financial decisions, take initiative on car/home maintenance.
- [future goal] Be able to socialize on my own and enjoy getting to know people. I'm honestly anxious about ever dating again - I find dancing embarrassing, bars loud, and meeting new people stressful. Somehow I'm sure I have the potential to find a new love if this doesn't work out. But these skills are on my to do list.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I have always been the super independent one, so my changes are different. Its nice though to be asked that question as it makes one dig deep and realize things that you don't think about. Mine are - starting with the changes that are within me, in my heart and mind:
1. I learned patience, lost some of my impulsivity, learned to be quiet when waiting.I have learned to listen more instead of planning what I am going to say when someone else is talking to me.
2. I learned to think before opening my mouth to say something.
3. I have tamed my anger somewhat, or at least learned not to react to the first burst of anger that I feel when encountering a provoking situation - I count to 10, 20 or even 100 before saying something in anger. I also have taken out the resentment, and the revengeful plotting and planning that I used to do.
4. Learning to let go - this is a big one , and definitely I am just in the learning curve of it. But I already have learned to not mind small things, have thought about what really means to me, prioritizing, looking more into myself and less into the people around me and what they are doing.
5. I value family more than my work and career. BUt I also have learned to focus more in my career and am starting to look at pathways for me to go back to doing what I really love (not what I am doing right now, although this isn't too bad!)
6. I have learned that everything does not have to be rqually shared, fairness is not a word that one uses when talking about love and family.
7. I have learned what love is, what unconditional love is.\
8. I understand now in many ways what the sacramental nature of marriage is, the importance of our vows, what it means to be a Godly wife. Still learing.
Of course for all of these items, I feel like I am in various stages of learning.... a work in progress, like all of you say. In my next post I will think about how these changes within me are affecting my outward behaviour.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
