Ugh...stressed, sad, still hanging on by a thread

[realormakebeliev]

Here's a link to my old thread..
Ugh...what to do?

I hope this doesn't show up twice, sorry if this ends up being a repeat. I'm not sure if I accidentally deleted my last post or if it just isn't showing up yet.

Journaling...

For the last couple of days I feel like I could jump right out of my skin. I have never been so stressed and sad in my life. My anxiety is soooo bad right now and nothing seems to help.

I am struggling with detaching. I try to focus on the here and now, but my mind is racing. I keep throwing up the mental stop sign, but that doesn't work. I pray, I have given this to God over and over, but my thoughts keep going 'there'.

I thought I was a strong person, but I feel anything but strong right now.

That being said, I am following the great advice many of you here have given me. This site has truly been a light in a dark place for me. Thank you all.

Saw H at Ds soccer game today. He seemed very tense and sad. He did speak, though, and was fairly cordial. He also told my I looked good- I'll take that as a positive for now. I did bring my A game- only showed PMA and stayed away from hot topics.

I miss him so much. I have always been a very affectionate person, and not hugging or kissing him good bye is painful.

He did ask to see D later in the week and mentioned making that a regular thing. I have no problem with that, but I will protect myself as 25 said. And I'm shutting up and doing every DB thing I can muster right now, GALing and following 'the list'. When I spoke with H after the game on the phone about some logistics, we had a nice conversation about essentially nothing and I made sure I ended the call first.

25- I mentioned to a friend of mine the advice you gave me to shut up- now he reminds me of this, too.

Just wish I could get over this feeling of a shadow over my life.

[~¤DG¤~]

You & I sound like we are pretty much in the same place right now.

Detaching is the hardest! Even if there is no communication, I still find myself going there.

I have come to respect so many people here, I really wish people could be spared of such pain.

[kml]

Go get a massage - it can be a helpful stop gap when you are missing that physical touch part of the relationship.

[jbnati]

ROMB, sending hugs and prayers your way ((()))

This won't last forever. You're in a tough place now. Only better things are up ahead for you.

This is part of the roller coaster and the dips in track do smooth out over time.

You are stronger than you know, ROMB.

I, along with others here, are in your corner.

((()))

[Luckyclover]

You can do it, ROMB! It [censored].. but you can do it!

[Luckyclover]

Lol... sorry.. "It sux... but you can do it!"

[realormakebeliev]

Journaling.... a little early in the day, but it was an eventful morning.

I had to pick up a few things from Hs house, so I called after dropping off D to see if he minded if I came by. He said ok, and I figured it would be a quick in-and-out kind of thing.

So I'm going through my stuff, trying to be quiet because he was still in bed- I turn around and he's looking at me, and I commented on how cold it was in the house. He throws back the covers and invites me to join him. I'm pretty sure I didn't do the DB thing, but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, I'll make a long story short and say it was a great morning. He did start a little R talk (actually tearing up, saying 'why did things have to get so f'd up?') which I just validated and changed the subject. I had my PMA game face on, and he was very affectionate although he did say he was 'hesitant'. When I left things were pleasant.

I swear I had 25's voice in my head saying...shut up! shut up! shut up! And I did.

He ended up calling a bit later to talk to D- his tone was sort of indifferent (same tone he always takes when he is with someone else and talking to me- am I the only one that notices this?). My anxiety crept up after the phone call, but I think I'm ok.

Anyway, I don't want to read too much into this, but I can't lie- it was nice. I am reminding myself over and over this is part of the roller coaster, but I'm trying to stick to my guns a little better if this, in fact, an upswing.

[jbnati]

ROMB, enjoy the highs and don't let the lows get you down too much. This does seem to be classical WAS behavior. Pull in, push back, pull in, push back.

You did some things well. You probably know best what you could've done better.

Glad to hear you had a good morning.

I guess I'll leave you with one more clue: The bike tour was in a suburb, it was a fund raiser, and the foundation uploaded an album to their alternate universe page.

[realormakebeliev]

Thanks, JB, I know you're being nice- I'm sure I deserve some 2x4s for this morning... Thanks so much for the support, I'm still going to try and find that pic.

[realormakebeliev]

DG, thanks, I hope you're doing ok. ((()))

kml, I know what you mean about the massage and I think that would do wonders for my shoulders since I'm wearing them around my ears right now.

LC, JB- thank you so much for the support- the people on this board have really saved me these last few months. I am so grateful for all of you!!

Strange thing. H texted and wants to meet in the morning, using what kind of sounds like an excuse to do it...not sure what to make of it but I guess we'll see.