I have read the DB book, taken the coaching, and spoken to many great people here on this blog. I just don't understand how any WAW could actually walk away, turn 180 degrees on her husband and kids, alienate everyone, have a complete personality change, potentially lose her family and home forever, cheat on her husband, and then through the magic of the LRT's and DB'ing, work things out for herself and then come back to the family. Intellectually I get the concept, but while I go thru the DB'ing and follow its advice, I have such a hard time believing it can actually work. Has anyone here actually seen this work? I want to believe so bad but it seems so counterintuitive! Please, if anyone knows of anyone where this has worked pls let me know!!! Thanks so much!!!
Yes I have seen it work. It really makes perfect sense but only after you really understand what is going on. I have read over 25 books and thousands of posts.
Suggestion please try to stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts so that you are not getting the same advice over and over again.
Yes it has worked. The biggest issue you're going through is the fact that you can't believe how things "just happened". They took awhile to happen. You were just the last to know.
First thing you need to do is accept the situation as it exists right now. Don't over analyze, don't overthink, don't do anything that feeds the stress.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, it worked for me, and my W was dead set on divorce and had been planning it for a few months with an IC, had a plan all worked out, was cheating, etc. and we have 3 little kids and a 17 year relationship. There are no guarantees, but it did work for me. It was brutally hard to do it right, took tons of one-sided effort, etc. Now that she's back however, it's not all rainbows and sunshine, the hurt will last for a long time regardless of the outcome.
Naturally it depends on the personalities involved, and how bad the marriage got before it fell apart. Our marriage never really got "bad", we never argued, parented together well, agreed on most things, were not abusive or insulting to each other, etc. Obviously the worse things were before it fell apart, the more time and effort DB will require...
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You may want to check the threads on the open forum called Piecing Our Marriage Back Together... there is some good stuff there. Also 25yearsmlc seems to have made it work and is quite active on this site. Hang in there!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I have read the DB book, taken the coaching, and spoken to many great people here on this blog. I just don't understand how any WAW could actually walk away, turn 180 degrees on her husband and kids, alienate everyone, have a complete personality change, potentially lose her family and home forever, cheat on her husband, and then through the magic of the LRT's and DB'ing, work things out for herself and then come back to the family. Intellectually I get the concept, but while I go thru the DB'ing and follow its advice, I have such a hard time believing it can actually work. Has anyone here actually seen this work? I want to believe so bad but it seems so counterintuitive! Please, if anyone knows of anyone where this has worked pls let me know!!! Thanks so much!!!
trying to find your thread but I see you have posted on about 5 different ones so I have to go find which one is yours...
hence the request to post on ONE thread til we know you and your story.
Also if you could write in smaller paragraphs it's easier to read/follow and comment upon.
If you don't "get this" it probably won't work. So...you need to get it.
I'll post when I know more of your sitch b/c I assume the facts are somewhere around here.
like what she SAID to you about the M's problems, and WHY SHE Left, etc. Specifically...
Not what you think or surmise. What she said.
And when you ask things like "how can she do this" or "Why did she" - those are questions designed to generate a defensive response in the person hearing it.
It will trigger a fight with her if you begin a conversation with questions like that b/c they are heard as accusatory and attacking. And they usually are. Not saying you don't have a right to be hurt and angry. YOU DO.
But that anger does not help you. Anger is not your friend.
If you really really read the Div Remedy book and the predecessor, and have some good DB coaches...you know that's true.
It may feel easier to be angry, at first, rather than crushed. But lashing out simply worsens things. Always.
And it fuels her negative reasons/justifications for leaving.
So...I'll go hunting for your main thread now...(which ever one you began and posted the most info on, maybe make that one your thread?)
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
