lc4 - thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the words of encouragement. Things are tough right now. Mostly because I'm still having trouble detaching. I'm finally getting a clue that I really, really need to step back from my H and focus on myself, because when I don't I just spiral into a negative vortex that continues to make things worse. I know it's not exactly a newsflash, but I've learned the hard way that continuing to do the same old behaviors over and over again with your H (as you mentioned in your post), is just doing more harm than good, and while I of course know this intellectually, I still struggle significantly with implementation each and every day!
I know I've been saying I need to detach, detach, detach, but it wasn't really until this past week that I truly see how ANY interactions with my H right now, while I am still SO angry, are just doing more and more damage. I am hoping that going as dark as I can (with minimal interactions about the kids) will help me get a handle on my emotions and help me turn things around somewhat. I swear, lc4, I think I've done more damage to my marriage in the past 8 weeks or so than ever. Not to say he's perfect -- he's having an affair, for goodness sake -- but my ability to control, or not control, my emotions when I am talking with him has made things much, much worse.
I have regret about that, but am hopeful that now I can get a grip on myself, for ME, and then begin to slowly re-engage with him once I am calmer and more rational. Because this crazy girl I've turned into is clearly NOT someone I would even want to be married to. Ugh.
I'm so glad to know you have found your way in your marriage. Your story truly gives me hope. My problem, of course, is this damn affair. If only he would give her up, I believe he'd begin to soften towards me. But I know that right now, he seems incapable of being able to get rid of her -- affair ADDICTION! -- and so I am trying desperately to learn to work around the situation. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I've had to deal with some hard stuff in my day.
In any event, thanks for the "pep talk", and good luck with your piecing. I'll be waiting for updates!
Reading your posts is like listening to myself speaking. I feel like we are in the same bad dream. I am also really struggling with controlling my feelings and detaching from my H. I, like you, intellectually understand everything that I need to do, but cannot put it in practice. All the actions and emotions you describe, I have felt and done. It's like I am seeing myself in a mirror, really.
And so my R with my H has also suffered for this. He actually left almost a year ago - we had just found out I was pregnant. He said he was done and wanted a D. At the time, I didn't know about OW. I started doing a similar program to DB and started to see positive results in our interactions and our R.
He even commented on how much I was changing. During those months, I started discovering lies one at a time about his dating and eventually the OW he is now with.
A couple of times he said he was thinking about coming back just to retract a few days later and deny ever saying anything. I thought I was losing my mind and actually making stuff up because I wanted him back so bad.
His R with OW started to intensify in June and that is when I started backsliding big time.
At the end of July, and just 2 weeks after our son was born , he told me he was in love with OW and would pursue that R openly.
My downward spiral continued and his insensitive behavior did as well. He continued with lies and half truths (up until even yesterday), and I feel that those triggers are what have kept me from detaching.
When he is with me he is very nice and I feel like we are best friends again (he says he wants to be friends for the sake of the kids) and then he turns around and does something inconsiderate or flaunts his affair in my face (not on purpose, but he is definitely clueless).
Just two days ago, I found another major lie. We had agreed (or so I thought) that he would not expose our kids to OW. And I found out yesterday from my 4-year old daughter, that OW was with them the day before and even brought her a present.
Every time I find out something like this, it's like finding out about his betrayal all over again. Same horrible physical and emotional pain and like you, I lose it and cannot control myself when I am with him. Mostly, because he acts so clueless, like he is not doing anything wrong.
Anyways, I am telling you all of this because I sense that your situation is rather new. (I guess mine is as well, but not as new). And I want to warn you of the crazy things you may experience in this rollercoaster ride - lies, insensitivity, retracting from statements and promises made, etc.
All of those are going to continue triggering you and you want to get a hold of your emotions now and be stronger for when things happen. I was making so much progress with him and everything came crumbling down with the discovery of how serious he was with OW. Now, when we are together, I argue, call him a liar, a cheater, etc, ask about OW, how could he do this, etc. and just get in this vicious circle.
Now, not only does he not recognize any changes I was making, he now says I have never tried to change or ever loved him because I have always treated him badly. That is ultimately all he can remember about our R when I lose control and he is now more intent than ever in filing for D so he can start a life with OW.
I, like you, feel desperate and know what needs to happen, and I am NOT going to give up, no matter how many times I backslide and how desperate my situation is now. So you hang in there and let's do this! We are smart women and we deserve better and to be better people!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I am in the same boat too...I have the same type of husband...I never would have thought he could have treated me this way. He's been having his A now for 3 months...I found out after 6 weeks. I have been fairly successful at appying the DB principles...but it is easier for me because my H travels extensively for work (and to where the OW lives). I only have to cope with him for 1-2 days a week.
I agree with the other posters though...try to focus on yourself as much as you can, enjoy your kids, buy yourself some new clothes/underwear/etc (justify it by realizing he is probably spending $$ on his A), and do some unexpected things. I found my H reacted well when I went out for drinks with a friend when I could have been clingy and done things with him and the kids.
This is miserable and I'm sure I won't do this for very long...but, I feel like an ultimatum right now isn't really what I want. Plus, the timing is so hard right now with the holidays coming up.
Hang in there and know you are not alone!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
