As I stated in a previous post the W aske dme to move out 2 Sep 11. After a month of begging her to change her mind and to try and see if we can make it work I have decided this week to work on no contact and to start working on myself.
Well that is easier said than done I want to call/text/email her every second. I keep thinking that if I can just say the right thing she will snap out of this MLC thing she is going through
She said to me "I love you and care for you but I am not in love with you". WTH is that crap. I bought DR yesterday and started reading that and it was like I was reading about me. I want this marraige to work so bad.
What can I do to stop getting pissed off when she goes out buying all new clothes for the club and such. Also how can I stop getting mad when she says that this is all my fault that I faded away years ago.
In her defense I am in the Army and I have been through a few deployments and I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. I get it i am trying to work on that but I felt that the least she could do is understand that seeing that she has a degree in that sort of stuff
She is also questioning every aspect of her life she is questioning her carrer and loooking for a new one. She feels bad for having so much resentment for having a child. She has now signed up for the PTA which is far from her normal personality.
Part of me thinks that there is nothing to save but I must try at all cost. I feel that she is not filling for D just to keep the free medical going and to keep the Military housing allowance cooming in. She has a medical issue that befor eall of this we were discussing her getting taken care of. Now with all of this I feel at times that she is just waiting for that to go through before she files.
I am still going to GAL as it states in DR "it takes one to tango" but it is hard because I have to see her every sayt at soccer and sun at church and mon when I take my son to soccer practice and to cub scouts. It seems like just as I get to a point where I can be ok alone there she is acting all crabby and just sets me back to anxiety.
Things are still about the same the W keeps asking me to come over and do things with her and my son but she remains distant. It seems that just as I get used to not seeing her or talking to her i have to see her again for a soccer game or what ever. It is making it hard for me to work on me. I love her so much and just wish that she would start moving forward. She doesnt want to be together but doesn't want to file for D either. What should I do??????
Today was better I recieved a text that said she loved me which is a big change. She was even willing to help me with a papaer I had to write for school. I am starting to see that this is ging to take some time but in the end I feel that it might work out. I just dont want this to be false hope....I seem to real good at having false hope.
I recived a call and a text this morning it was great to hear her voice and to see that she called just to talk and say hi while she was driving to work (something that she used to always do). We even talked lastnight for about 20 min. The only problem I am having is that even though she is sterting to want to talk after a month and a half of not talking (2 weeks of me not conntacting her)I still get anxiety from it. Why do I feel this way if it is a good thing that she is starting to want to talk and even suggested that the two of us go out this weekend on a sort of date. I am scared that I will get my hopes up just to be slammed back down. Any advise on this?????????
Well I guess I have been wasting my time here. It takes to long for the moderator to moderate and by the time he or she does your post or wuestion is to far down the line to even be seen. It was nice reading all of your post they did answer some of my questions. I hope all of you end up happy in the end as I will try to do the same.
I will keep tryiong to reach help on here. Maybe it will come. I am starting to slip and call again and text. It was just getting to where I wouldnt think about it but then she started contacting me and wanting to just shoot the breeze for a good half hour. And started telling me she lovedme and such. Now I am back to looking at my phone every min or so. Why am I falling back I just want to move foward and change for me and hope this will make her change also.
Since no one has responded to your requests for input, I'll give it a go. If you have read DR then you know that you must avoid pursuing behavior. Any effort to connect via text, phone, email will likely backfire. As the book says, you need to become mysterious to your W. This will cause her to be curious and she will likely reach out to you. You need to continue to remain distant in order to avoid getting sucked back in to your marriage whirlpool. Until you understand what you need to do about you and then make the necessary long-term changes, you'll just end up back where you started. Keep the distance as much as possible, work on you, do your 180 stuff and see how things progress. Avoid pursuing at all cost!
Hope that helps! Good luck!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Gary sorry you find yourself here. I'm pretty new at this but Sandi2 a very wise DBer created this list, I believe. Follow it. Post often and you will get advice. Hang in there
37 rules that Sandi2 created. here they are.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned change
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Gary, sorry you find yourself here and glad that 2tp and rick picked up on your loose thread...
As a new registrant, posts are moderated so can take a while to show up and also, threads sometimes get lost in the chatter...
Now, first things first, your anxiety and desperation to save your M are clear... that's something that will take effort to get under control... no matter how panicked you feel, this process takes time... do your best to chill'ax...
So you've been diagnosed with PTSD and wham... you get nailed with it, again... because your W blindsided you with this... on a normal day, most LBSs understand how you feel... and we are here to help you through this...
Most of the DB elders understand that the successful DBers are the one's who have grown through this experience, regardless of the outcome of the M...
Most newbies gauge success as someone who saves their M...
So understand this... those who's M's get back on track... they are the ones who had the most patience and the most determination to grow through this... and their M's happened to get back on track and get better...
Good luck, one step at a time... dig in, read the material, do the work... it gets better...
