1. H wants to move us back home where there are more resources for all of us. He is planning to go at the end of this month to look for jobs and an apt and is staying w/ his sister.
2. H doesnt want me to have expectations that the move will make all our problems better...which i already know it wouldnt but i have hope it can improve some things for all of us
3. H is worried about moving...sometimes cranky, but not wishy washy about it. I'm hoping that he wont change his mind as this move will provide so many more possibilities to gal.
4. H tells me he still wants to be alone, wants freedom but is afraid to lose me. Still wants to go forward in mc.
5. I'm trying to stop obsessing about ow...even though she is out of the picture. Dealing with feelings of sadness and anger about what he did.
6. Trying to detach fro h's moods...has been difficult.
7. Realizing that i am still pursuing and afraid if i totally stopped it will widen the gulf already between us.
I just want to go home...and i pray we make it there because opportunities for me will open up greatly compared to here. I need to make a fresh start regardless.
Ctflor, Just dropping by to say I've read your thread and have heard just about all the same things said by my H - so please take some comfort from the idea that there is a pattern to all this.
I've done the same as you - burst out in anger and cried and looked needy - and felt that it set everything back to zero. But it didn't really. I've also thought I'd never be able to go on, or breathe or endure the pain, but so far I have, and sometimes it gets better.
You do seem to be doing things that are working - there is definitely a better feel about your interactions, don't you think? You're doing some good work on yourself - all of this questioning and thinking and trying new ideas. Keep it up, remember they say it's a marathon, not a sprint, and try to focus on the positives.
Ctflor, Know just how you feel. My H's birthday is coming up in 3 weeks and I've already started to look at cards - it's usually hard enough trying to find one that hits the right spot. This time around, I think it'll be impossible to get it right.
And then, having bought the 'safe' card', what does one write inside???
Remember the time when life just went on and there were absolutely no thoughts like this, no second guessing? But then, I suppose for our H's there were these problems and we just didn't know.
I bought a blank card and composed a poem about nature in it, no love stuff.
We went to dinner and a movie. Although he reached for my hand in the movie, he acted like he was going out with a friend the entire evening. He rushed through dinner...didnt really want to talk. He said he had a good time. I smiled through the evening even tho i feel torn up inside.
On a regular birthday....it woukd be romantic and intimate, but not this year.
I know what you mean wretched...it is difficult now where before it was just easy and natural. And my h tells me...that when it comes to being intimate again, he wants it to just flow and be natural. Thats how it was before he dropped the bomb, and now theres a big wedge to get around with him and i dont know how. Maybe. Just need to not even try for awhile.
When i was writing while ago he asked me to come and lay down with him...so that was really nice. Gotta do homework
I don't understand why i'm getting so obsessed with ow even though she is not in the picture. Can't stop looking at her facebook pic wondering what is it she has i dont have. This is madness. This is not me. I'm slipping into depression despite gal and keeping busy. I feel like each day that passes without intimacy between my husband, is another day of painful rejection, he does not want me. I feel sick with grief. What happens when he leaves in a month and the only closeness we have is a hug and kiss?
I realize i am being needy and maybe immature.
I dont know HOW to stop feeling like this.
Tired of hell, tired of hurting.
I want it to stop...but this is ...here to stay. I'm trying so hard.
If you are not on meds, I'd say ask the doc for some. if you are on medication, ask the doctor to up it...you need some help here and there's no shame in saying that. (Been there, done that.)
But at some point each person has to get so sick&tired of feeling sick&tired that they
STOP themselves...they do what it takes to stop feeling like crap. Meds, therapy, tanning booths, working out, GAL, volunteering, ALL those things I mentioned doing in the interior of Alaska...
and did I mention meds??
You are wallowing in that mire of fear and grief and sickening dread and it has to stop.
Only YOU can stop it. Not your h, and not some ow who does not matter. The one thing she has that you don't, is DETACHMENT...SHE does not care
what your h is thinking or doing and she does NOT NEED HIM... in contrast, you are acting as if he is the only reason you are alive. What a terrible burden to place on him.
Please see this, YOU are in charge of your happiness. You have free will.
Don't make your h responsible for your happiness and life as well as his; he's barely managing his own.
Hey, ever wonder how those people in war torn nations or who've suffered disasters and have literally LOST EVERYTHING ---do more than survive?
I heard a woman from Rwanda give a very inspiring talk about what her faith meant to her. Her entire family was hacked to death by neighbors of theirs, from another tribe. People she'd grown up with...she hid in a kind neighbor's bathroom for 5 months...and when she escaped to a refugee camp, she weighed 75lbs
and had no children left, no husband left and no parents or siblings left...the home was burned down. She had lost everything and everyone in her world.
SHE is talking to people to give others hope...wth? She mentioned others from her town who had survived & most are happy again. What is it about them that they can bear the brunt of some brutal blows and pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and move forward? Expecations? Gratitude? I'm not sure but
What is different about them? NOTHING....You/We CAN do the same. We are all the same inside...you are not a weakling or a monster. YOU CAN recover from this blow...don't make your h's problems into your character flaws.
In short, Your confused/depressed h isn't sure he wants to stay married to you, & had a crush on OW who didn't reciprocate, and while he does care for you and d, he's not sure what he wants...and that is that.
okay so, the world is not ending. You have to keep on breathing and taking steps and eating and bathing and talking to your d and moving in a direction, etc...
You must keep on living. And loving.
Meanwhile you are moving to a pricey but beautiful area with a ton of things to do and great public transportation. (Thank GOD!!)
We can hope HE gets help for his depression, but YOU MUST get help for yours b/c you are here posting. He's not.
So YOU are our main concern, and I just want to urge you to talk to someone asap. How is your d?
You don't just have to "take" feeling like this...
we're here for you...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the more you pull him towards you the more you make him want to flee.
You are in effect pushing him away. Don't.
Physically pursuing him is NOT a good idea at this time...it's a bad idea.
This isn't a ssm marriage situation; it is a MLC h with major depression and you have some of your own big stuff. ML wont' fix it, especially if he is not interested and tells you that.
SSM is about mis-matched libidos and chronic sex issues. Yours is a symptom of other things and you are confusing yourself and the approach you need to take. You liked the Div Remedy book, correct? Keep reading it.
DBing only works when you work the DB program.
Choose an approach and stick with it.
Otherwise he'll get mixed signals and so will you - and neither will see needed changes in the other b/c you keep switching directions...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
