know sure what to make of this

[check 1]

You can find my situation here and here.

The wife came by the other night and unloaded on me. Everything is my fault, I pushed her away....the same old story. I've never seen her display so much anger, hate and resentment.

I have completely let her go. Something that I have been struggling with for awhile now. I really don't know who she is anymore. She's a stranger. It's almost as if she's possessed . What I do know is that I don't like this new person. What I don't know is if I even want her back. The stuff she is accusing me of is absurd. All her cronies are telling her how bad I treated her, but the thing is, not one of them know me. I am beginning to have my doubts that my wife will eventually come around. I think she really believes everything she said. She truly is done.

So here I am. Not sure what step to make next. I'm not even sure it matters at this point. I know this is typical WAS behavior on her part. Part of me thinks that she will come into reality, another part doesn't think that she will.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that perception is reality. She perceives me as the problem, the a-hole, whatever. She also perceives me as reliable, the person that will always be there and a safety net. I'm really sick of all of this stuff. I'm getting to the point that I don't care what she does anymore. I quit. I will continue to work on myself, but I have no desire to work anything out with her anymore. It's not going to happen...at least not for a very long time. So why should I stress? Deep down inside I would like to get back together, but that part of me is slowly disappearing. I basically told her if it's not about the kids or about us working things out then to leave me alone. Of course I spoke to my DB coach about this first. If I am indeed her safety net then maybe she'll realize what's gone...maybe she won't. It doesn't matter anymore I guess.

I'm done with all of this. I have too much work to do on myself. I'm not even ready to get into a relationship with her. Time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath. I have decided that I will honor my vows until the divorce is final (which, btw, she doesn't have the money to pursue), even though she has already been with other people.

I guess that it. Has anyone else felt like this?

[NYCPeter]

I often feel that way.
I'll be around to look after the girls whenever she needs it because I am their father (actually I would do that voluntarily). I'll pay $$ for extra things because I am a good husband. I will move out and agree to a seperation so that she can feel less stressed because I am a good man (hang on - I'm not that good a man). It's almost like I am supposed to act like a robot and my needs don't matter anymore - they probably don't, but she still expects all of her needs to be met and if they are not, then that's why our M will not succeed.
Sorry W - I will do things that I think are right and good for our family, our M and me.

[tjb54]

Spot on davidrsae!!!

My W has vilified me to certain friends and family I suspect to give affirmation. She has rewritten history in her mind and heck, when I heard some of the versions I thought. "WoW that guys sounds like a real arse. Hey wait a second, your talking about me???"

[tjb54]

I'm done with all of this. I have too much work to do on myself. I'm not even ready to get into a relationship with her. Time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath. I have decided that I will honor my vows until the divorce is final

Same here even though mine took off her Wedding ring back in July. I'm thinking I just might keep wearing it after the D. Kill em' with kindness. Yeah, I'm a tad perturbed...

[check 1]

Same here even though mine took off her Wedding ring back in July. I'm thinking I just might keep wearing it after the D. Kill em' with kindness. Yeah, I'm a tad perturbed...

My ring is tattooed on.

[In_Shock]

You can find my situation here and here.

The wife came by the other night and unloaded on me. Everything is my fault, I pushed her away....the same old story. I've never seen her display so much anger, hate and resentment.

So many of us say this -- WAS have a script we've heard. This is so typical. Don't take it personally.

I have completely let her go. Something that I have been struggling with for awhile now. I really don't know who she is anymore. She's a stranger. It's almost as if she's possessed . What I do know is that I don't like this new person. What I don't know is if I even want her back. The stuff she is accusing me of is absurd. All her cronies are telling her how bad I treated her, but the thing is, not one of them know me. I am beginning to have my doubts that my wife will eventually come around. I think she really believes everything she said. She truly is done.

My W also. She is a stranger. She seems like a totally possessed person..... an alien as some would say. The cronies...always helpful...NOT!!! Most WAS have those too validating their every whim. Nonsense.

So here I am. Not sure what step to make next. I'm not even sure it matters at this point. I know this is typical WAS behavior on her part. Part of me thinks that she will come into reality, another part doesn't think that she will.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that perception is reality. She perceives me as the problem, the a-hole, whatever. She also perceives me as reliable, the person that will always be there and a safety net. I'm really sick of all of this stuff. I'm getting to the point that I don't care what she does anymore. I quit. I will continue to work on myself, but I have no desire to work anything out with her anymore. It's not going to happen...at least not for a very long time. So why should I stress? Deep down inside I would like to get back together, but that part of me is slowly disappearing. I basically told her if it's not about the kids or about us working things out then to leave me alone. Of course I spoke to my DB coach about this first. If I am indeed her safety net then maybe she'll realize what's gone...maybe she won't. It doesn't matter anymore I guess.

I'm done with all of this. I have too much work to do on myself. I'm not even ready to get into a relationship with her. Time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath. I have decided that I will honor my vows until the divorce is final (which, btw, she doesn't have the money to pursue), even though she has already been with other people.


IF you really mean this, it's healthy for you. Do the work on yourself. The R is on the back burner. Yes, honor your vows. That is YOUR moral code. Don't sell out b/c she has.


I guess that it. Has anyone else felt like this?

In a word --- YES> We go back and forth and back and forth. That's why it's a ROLLERCOASTER. Keep posting. We are here for you. Take care!!!!!!

[check 1]

Oh wow...it's been awhile since I posted.

I've been trying to give my ex (still do not know what to call her) space. Unless it's about the kids I do not talk to her. Seeing or talking to her seems to put me in a funk. I have to pick up my girls from the daycare that she works at. One of our kids is in her class. I started having one of the employees get the girls for me as I can't bear to see her. She just seems like everything is fine and that she doesn't care. I try really hard to act upbeat and treat her like I would any other person. Inside I'm dying.

It's been about two weeks since I started leaving her completely alone. Since then I have received a couple text messages from her. The first was asking me about how to file for divorce and how much it would cost. The second stated that she talked to her lawyer and we will both have equal right if we file for joint custody. These two messages I ignored. I'm not sure if she's serious or just trying to get my attention. Unless someone else is paying for it then I know she doesn't have any money to pay for a divorce. She still has her mail delivered to my house and she has received four insufficient funds notices from her bank. No, I did not open them...you can tell what they are just by looking at them. Then she sent me a text asking if she could borrow $20 and she would pay me back when she got paid the next day (yeah right, just like she has paid me back for her car insurance payments, various diapers and wipes I payed for, etc). I responded by saying that I was flat broke.

My oldest daughter's birthday was last week. My ex and I would always go and have lunch with our daughter at school and bring all the kids in her class cupcakes. I was at work so my ex was going to go. She showed up late just as the kids were going back to class. She promised my daughter that she would take her to a play gym the next night. Well, she text messaged me telling me that her brother was going to watch the girls because she had to get stuff done. Then she sent me another text saying that the girls were upset and wanted to stay with me. Apparently, my ex had to go clean an office for some extra money. My daughter was heartbroken and crying because her mom didn't take her where she promised she would. Of course, I did to help her feel better. Her mom promised to take her the next day and that never happened either. I, on the other hand, looked like a superstar. I took her out to an arcade/diner the day before her birthday (her mom had her on her birthday), bought her a motor scooter and some various gifts, had a bouquet of balloons sent to her school and cookies waiting for her and her friends at daycare. Not to mention taking her to the place her mom promised her she would take her.

I'm going to backtrack a little bit. The weekend before my daughter's birthday my ex sent me a text telling me that my oldest wanted to stay with me that night. Thinking this was just the ex trying to get my attention I told her that I already had plans. It turns out that she dropped both of our daughters off at one of her friend's house while her, her mom and her moms friend went downtown...this is Nashville where downtown is full of bars. She then stayed out later than she expected (which is common when she is with her mom) and the girls ended up staying the night at the friend's house. We each have the kids 3.5 days a week and she ditches them to go to bars? That's not her.

Fast forward to last night...my daughter had a program at school. I went early so I could get a good seat. While people were coming in, my ex's friend (which from what I gather is her new best friend) strolled by and asked me where she was. I asked who she was talking about (thinking she may be referring to my daughter) in which she responded with my ex's name. Why would she ask me that if she knows that we aren't talking to each other. Then later that night when they dismissed the kids to find their parents, my daughter asked me if she could go see her mom who was sitting in the back. I said sure. My ex and daughter came up to where I was and she told the kids bye. She saw her friend, got her attention, then told her she would text her later. She then picked up my youngest and walked all of us to my car. I'm not sure why she did this since she already told them bye once...but, whatever.

Today she told me that she will working every other saturday and wants to change our days with the kids to every other week instead of 3.5 day each week. I told her I wasn't sure I liked the idea and we could talk about it later. She then responded by saying that if I couldn't do it then she'd have to hire a babysitter those Saturdays and that she thought changing our arrangement would be a good idea so we could both have equal time with them.

I took her response as a passive aggressive way of letting me know that she would hire a sitter rather than have me watch them, and then trying to make me feel guilty pointing out how she just wanted equal time. First, I have to pay daycare twice a week to watch my kids while I work...the daycare she works at...and my youngest is in her class. Second, my oldest is in therapy as she's having a hard time with all of this. One of her issues is not knowing when she'll be with each parent (note the story above about her mom going downtown and leaving the kids with me), so I don't think changing things up now would be a good idea. Third, she wanted to leave. She knew she makes $400 a month. She picked what days she got the kids. Well, guess what! Life's unfair. She's not thinking about any of us with this whole divorce/separation thing. Fourth, why would we change the whole who gets the kids structure when we could just switch days...I have them Sunday, she has them Saturday. If we swapped that then our time with the kids would be equal.

As I mentioned in another post, she has a profile up on match.com. I haven't checked it to see how active she's been on it. My heart can't deal with what I may find. My brain goes crazy imagining her dating and hooking up with other guys. I'm not too sure how to stop all these thoughts. It's getting me down though. I have been given additional meds from my shrink to help with anxiety and just started sessions with a new therapist...plus, I have the DB coach. I find myself depressed a lot. Which I have a predisposition towards anyway. I come home and go to sleep as soon as I can, then wake up and dread the day ahead of me. I know it's fear and I'm working hard to control it, but I'm losing right now. I'm so hopeless that this marriage will work out. Yet, I feel like it's inevitable that it will. She flat out told me that she was not attracted to me and was not in love with me anymore. Of course, she was angry when she said it. Somewhere deep inside I can't help but feel like she still loves me. Is this wishful thinking? I keep getting caught up in these emotional traps. My friends seem to think that I'm not necessarily in love with her, I just want what is comfortable back. They think that if she did come back to me then I'd start to feel all the resentment from all the stuff she's done to me. The thought of me not loving her makes me sick to my stomach. I really feel like I'm in love with her.

I don't think that my happiness lies within what she does or if she comes back. I just feel like I've lost my best friend of 16 years (I'm 32...half my life) and it hurts. Maybe, I'm wrong though. All I know is that I know nothing. I have no idea if leaving her alone is working. She seems so aloof, yet it seems like she wants to say something sometimes when we swap the kids. I don't know if her texts about divorce are legit. She told me one time that she never really wanted a divorce. This is when we tried to work on things. She then turned on me and said that I guilted her into working on us and that is not what she really wanted...I was playing mind games. She was the one who wanted to work on us...she asked me about it the very same day that I found out about the affair. She was freaking out thinking that I was going to go for full custody. When talking about it she asked me what I thought we should do to fix the marriage. She told me that she loved me and I need to accept it.

This turned out to be a venting session rather than an actual post. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I'm just trying to get out of this depression and lose all the scary thoughts. When I see her, which has been often lately, I desperately long to just talk to her. I'm not sure what she really wants as far as divorce. I don't know if I should work with her with the kids not that she's working every other Saturday. I personally think I should set boundaries with her and tell her that I'm don't want to change our setup. I don't feel like I should fix this problem for her like I always do. She got herself in this mess by leaving. I get to see the kids on my days from 6 pm until bedtime. So, it's not like I get to have the whole day with them.

What do y'all think? Sorry for going all over the place...I have adhd.

[~ kd ~]

David, I need to disclaim this with:

"If your W was MLC and not WAS, would it make a difference to you?"

By that question, I mean would your stand be any different?

Because as far as the work (which is all about you), it's exactly the same.

I would ask you to read up on MLC and the stages of MLC, just so you understand it, in the event your W might be in one...

it's not like it's a taboo topic around here, but many here feel that labeling someone as MLC... well, somehow excuses the behaviours... or maybe entices a LBS to ease up on doing the work...

Anyhow, none of that really matters... Maybe it's something you might want to "educate" yourself about...

And keep doing the work... you and your kids and your W and your M... they all deserve the best you... you can be...

[~ kd ~]

oh, ps... (taking on 25's new practice... )

Remember that this takes time... much...

the problem in your M did not happen over night and it won't be "fixed" over night...

trench yourself in... the more time you have is actually a blessing... because it gives you more time to work on you and become the best you can for the benefit of you and every else who is part of your life...

[check 1]

David, I need to disclaim this with:

"If your W was MLC and not WAS, would it make a difference to you?"

By that question, I mean would your stand be any different?

No, I wouldn't stand any different. It would make me feel a little better if she was having a MLC. At least then she's irrational and actually going through something rather than just being cold-hearted and malicious. It would be easier to forgive and forget in the long-run.