Volume II

[Telemark]

Previous thread:

Footnotes, I guess...

So I expect some 2x4's for moving ahead with D proceedings, but I do not see any possible way my W and I will ever reconcile, and even if we do there will be no trust, no respect and probably no love.

So what's left to build a relationship on?

[jbnati]

Telemark, I agree with you. It would be nothing but a long, hard road back. You know your breaking point.

However, you do want to move forward with no regrets. If you feel you have exhausted all of your options, then you can do that. What the circus blows up? What then?

and even if we do there will be no trust, no respect and probably no love.

If this is a 300% written guarantee, then, absolutely - no reason to postpone the inevitable.

[aeolianchaos]

Hey TM,

No 2x4's from me.

You've done a lot of hard work. You've made a lot of very real changes.

Your W has clearly set up her situation as she chooses to, and you aren't obliged to assist her in doing so.

[LearningPatience]

TM, I agree with jb's assessment, only you know how much you have given and how far you can go. My *only* concern for you right now is if you are making this decision out of emotion or not. I'd caution you to wait at least two days and if you still feel the same way...

[~ kd ~]

It all comes down to how much the LBS can take and still stand...

NTX had written the usual mantra of believing none of what the say and only 50% of what they do and in the beginning, that is absolutely what one needs to do... it gives and opportunity to stabilize ourselves and examine what really might be going on...

I think (currently) in your case, my case, jb's and a couple more that have been here for a while (sorry ladies if I've missed any of you)... we could stand till the end of days and nothing will likely change...

The WAS has become comfortable in their lies... they continue to lie and even when their lies are inconsistent, the inconsistencies are across groups, but consistent within groups of people... IOW, the inconsistencies aren't important because they are not likely to be checked and compared...

What it boils down to is, the lies continue, the WAS anger (overt and/or covert) continues, that there becomes and increasing and obvious appearance that the WAS is beginning to settle into this new "life" they have created for themselves... as they continue to ignore the elephant and continue to keep the LBS at bay but connected / controlled, while they "think about things"...

This is, I believe, the real point where there becomes no "right" or "wrong" thing the LBS can say or do... of course, we still might keep the road home paved and smoothed... not really so much an open door for the WAS, as much as to keep our integrity and ethics intact... we can walk through life with our head high and our dignity on our shoulders...

And as others can attest, even people who D sometimes get back together and even re-marry... not saying that's a goal the LBS needs to have tucked into their bucket list... it's just that...

For a stander, there are reasons why we are standing... and while we can move on with our lives with or without the WAS at our side... there are certain things that a stander CAN NOT, because at our core of standing, we would be hypocritical of our morals or ethics to move forward with deeper things like new Rs...

At this point TM, you would not be moving forward with D as a tactic... if it's time, it's time... and you can move the D along at YOUR pace... I think any stander who chooses to D needs to understand that...

[Telemark]

Thank you, KD. You said that more eloquently than I ever could.

[~ kd ~]

NP, TM... of course, it could have been said in MUCH fewer words...

At this time, I might recommend taking a look at some of the other forums on this board if you haven't already...

Specifically the "Divorced but not done" and "Surviving the big D" forums for those who are now at that point... and still dealing with the WAS...

Also, the MLC forum, as there too... we can read how a WAS, even years after a D, can still operate from their... self centric perspective... how... even AFTER D... they continue to keep contact with the LBS...

Those are really good examples of how, it very often does not matter what the LBS does... no right or wrong... this stuff is just like the energizer bunny...

Your time... your pace... that is all an LBS can control...

[Valeska19]

TM,
No 2x4's here.

If you need to move on and heal.. do so. Only you know what's best for you.

I only say time for your sake.. not your w's.

I too feel that if I would reconcile with my w, building trust and respect would be difficult.. especially since I'm not sure we ever had it.

However..

I hesitate to use the words "never, always, forever". I find them untruthful and limiting. We just don't know what our future has in store for us.

But it's ok to say we are done.. and let the cards fall where they may.

We are here for you. Dealing w/ D is..well.. sukky. It doesn't get easier just because we feel it is 'time' or the 'right' thing to do.

(( ))

[GAL Man]

No 2x4 from me either

If its right for you, its right for you

One Q though TM

How do filing for D yourself make you feel?

[Telemark]

GAL Man, I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me is relieved, part of me is very sad and part of me feels like a real loser for not being able to hold together another relationship.

I contacted the local family law office to set up an appointment with a mediator, then e-mailed W with some tentative dates. We went back and forth with days and times; didn't set anything up yet due to scheduling conflicts.

I asked W why she was so agreeable to D now when only two weeks ago she asked me to not rush things. She replied that was before we had our e-mail fight last Monday.

I said I did not think it was a fight, but a discussion. I again told her I was sorry about her deteriorating relationship with her oldest son, but that I had no hand in it.

She replied she knew that, but when she was venting to me I took it personally. And that it didn't matter any more.

So we wait to agree on a time to meet the mediator and go from there. I think now that W is in a PA with the OM she is going to put the pedal to the metal.