Hey everyone, My wife left me a month ago and was sort of lost, after reading as many books that I could, I believe she was a walk out wife. She refuses to talk to me, her friends, I have since stopped communication with her at her request.
We were married at 27, now we are 31 no kids, but were were trying for the last year.
I have done a lot of sole searching and can see the problems in myself that she didn't like, I would be short with her, critical of her, and protective of her. I am working on changing myself to be the better person she needs me to be.
She asked for space and time, which I am giving to her. She has not filed paperwork, or seen an attorney.
No one thinks there is another guy, because shes staying with her parents, and well for a lot of reasons.
She has not come to any of the therapy sessions I have set up, however she did set her own sessions with the same therapist, the therapist only agreed to see her if she would be acting as a marriage therapist seeing us sepratly for a few sessions.
This also seems to be a hasty decision on her part, she left on a tuesday, and on saturday we were both in a friends wedding (she ask that I not go), a week before she left she had her cervix dialated (seemed very painful) so we could have a better shot of having kids. She was supposed to start clomid this week. I sort of have to imagine that if she was aware she was walking out on me she wouldn't have gone through a painful procedure and done it after that wedding.
I have began eating like I did when I was fitness freak (tuna and chicken, and veggies 5 times a day) and I have dropped 15 lbs. Joined a gym because I don't want to lift in my empty house. Applied and Started coaching youth hockey. Bought new clothing and began building for Habitat for Humanity.
I have made some screw-ups, like moving money into a personal account the day after she left, on the advice of my friends who are attorneys. She emailed me two weeks ago stating that she needed time to "consider our marriage" which isn't what she said when was walking out on me. And I tried to explain that I moved money because she said she wanted a divorce and I was scared and hurt. Hopefully she can get over that, because I can get over the fact that she walked out on me.
I am having little to no contact with her. I told her that the ball is in her court and that I am not going to write to her anymore.
She said that she doesn't want to talk to be because I am too good of a talker and she wants to make her own decision.
The therapist believes I should continue the no contact idea to giver her power over this situation. Because I am the type A of our relationship.
The therapist and I agree that she is acting very strange and juvenile and is perhaps having a mental breakdown or an early MLC. I believe I have addressed all of the problems in our M, and taken ownership of my problems in the M. The therapist is concerned that W seems not to be able to see her actions of leaving me, not communicating with me, telling friends, empathizing with my situation, and telling family about this situation - as a problem. Nor is W indicating any of her faults in our M.
W asked the therapist "why doesn't brian trust me" (regarding the changing of Locks, on the advice of counsel, which were changed back) to which the T said, "well you left him. You know where he is, he is at work or at home, taking care of both of your responsibilities. He doesn't know where you are, or what you are doing. Why would he trust you?"
It has now been 1 month, What should I do?
H - 31 W - 30 No Kids Married 3 years Together 8 Bomb/Last contact with wife 8/30/2011
Hey DC... welcome to the boards... sorry to see you here
Have you read the Divorce Remedy yet? If not I'd do that pronto. It was one month ago today (no wonder I'm so darn moody today... just figured that out!) that my wife gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you bomb. Since then we've regressed to not touching, on and off talks, she's stopped wearing her wedding rings, has removed our married status from Facebook, and tells me she considers us "roommates".
So yeah... folks here get where you're at. It suxx and it hurts, but your T seems to be somewhat on the right track. You can't control her, she is going to do what she wants to do. The only thing you can do is provide a person that she is crazy to leave and would want to stay with.
The other thing you can do is buy time. I'll be honest, from reading lots of posts and sitches... I think this is harder without kids in the picture. I imagine doubly hard with conception issues in the mix. I don't know if my W and I would still be together right now (not that we're really "together" but at least occupy the same physical house) if we didn't have kids. She'd likely be living with a friend and this is harder if you don't see each other, but it can be done.
Did she tell you why she left? What she's unhappy about?
I can tell you two books I've read, besides DR, that I've found useful. First is No More Mr. Nice Guy which is applicable if you find yourself being the consummate pleaser. The other is "How to fix your marriage without talking about it". I'm only about halfway through that, but the psych insight into the differences between male shame issues and female security issues has been really helpful.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Sorry... that should be Brian, not DC... lost track of which thread I was in!
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
thanks workinghard. We talked for the 1st time a few days ago in therapy. I listened to her reasons which are:
She was unable to meet her goals like a) not being able to spend enough time with her family, I would have liked to say "we have them over every week for a pool party, and see them once a week in addition, and you work with them" but I didn't I just apologized and did not defend my actions. b) not able to go on family vacations ( we did not have the money the last 3 years, but if she said she was going to leave me over that, well than I would have found a way) C) She doesn't want to/is not ready to/doesn not want to have children with me. D) she fell out of love with me.
During my after session the T, said she was proud of me, and that I gave it my best shot.
in my letter I asked her what is the rush of getting divorced, and asked if we can actually try T together. Her reply was "I can't"
She said she liked all of the things I am doing now, Coaching Youth Hockey, fostering a dog for a rescue org. etc. But she wished I had done them a year ago.
She also said she should have never married me.
The T, believes that all of her reasons are a cop-out and that she will realize that I, nor our marriage prevented her from reaching any of her personal goals. It was her, but by the time she figures that out, I will probably already be gone.
How do I give up hope?
in T, I tried to buy some time. but she went to see a lawyer on 10/8/2011. I will try to drag my feet as much as possible without making her upset. A dissolution will take 90 days from the time we file.
She emailed me about the lawyer and that she wants to try to remain friends (we have all the same friends) and I replied this. Katie,
Thanks for letting me know. I truly want to work hard to make the best of this situation and make this as comfortable as possible for us. If we become angry with each other it will just hurt us both more. What kinds of things should I be expecting? And What kinds of questions did he ask? Since this will be a disillusion he will represent us both correct?
I understand that it will take work from us to move into a friendship, and that it will take time. I love you so much. I just want you to be happy. I wish it could be with me, but I understand. I am sorry for all my faults.
I had a thought to make this as easy as possible we could take some time write a letter to our friends and family explaining things like; we both care for each other and that we are both at fault. And that we will remain friends (even though we are not there yet).... etc I just don't want sides to be drawn, lose friends, or uncomfortable situations for ourselves and our friends. What do you think?
B
H - 31 W - 30 No Kids Married 3 years Together 8 Bomb/Last contact with wife 8/30/2011
She wants to get a disillusion, but isn't moving anything forward. She said some times she can make decisions, and other times it is too hard. Any ideas?
H - 31 W - 30 No Kids Married 3 years Together 8 Bomb/Last contact with wife 8/30/2011
I'm not fully up to speed on your sitch Brian, but will post some comment here:
While we don't generally encourage letter writing to the WAS, in your case I feel what you wrote was very appropriate.
The only thing that struck me was at the end, how you indicated that the two of you might write / contact friends. Basically, that may have come across as pushing your will on her. Even if you both agreed to write a joint letter, she will likely communicate with people her personal perspective outside of the letter. Nothing you can do about that.
Your T sounds on the mark. From what you've written, there's not much to add around that.
So really, the only things to "pick on" and it's generally not something we encourage, to mind read or analyze our spouses words and actions...
It is just to point out that your W made a comment that she wished you had become this guy doing great things before she chose out. And that she wants to remain friends...
The first is projection, indicating that it was up to you to change her mind and make her feel good about staying. It will be up to her to realize (or not) that she made her choice and if she failed to see that you could and would become someone she could find attractive... well, we all enter into M's with faith... ok, sometimes it's hope and expectations disguised as faith... but our intentions are usually good...
The part about remaining friends can sometimes be interpreted as attempts to keep the LBS strung along with (false) hope...
We choose our friends how and when we choose them... I'm on the "People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime" right now, and only time will tell which of those your R with you W will be...
Anyone can make a "pact" to be BFFs... but what if you fall away from that friendship... then you've gone back on your word...
IMHO, the best response to a request for continued friendship is a simple, "We'll take things one day at a time."
As far as the D, your decision is appropriate. Not so much drag it on, but let her do the work, and do only the work you are requested to do and only within the alloted time frame.
Just do not do it as a tactic in the hopes your W will change her mind. Just use the time to become the best person you can, with the skills and strength to take on the future, whether or not the D goes through, or not...
