My little one isn't a newborn anymore. She's 4 months old. I can't believe she's no longer a newborn. I can't believe I've been doing this sh!t for almost 7 months... really for longer than that if you count the ridiculous behavior prior to the bomb.
To address a few things from the previous thread: 1) In ways, yes I am angry, but I think a lot of them can be dealt with in MC. Thus far, the complaints I've brought to the table in IC sessions over the past 7 months are not met with counterarguments about how they are illogical or faulty. I think if I had encountered an IC who could offer me a new lease on this and provide me with some tools that I could use to make me happier, then I would go. But honestly, the ICs I've been to do not understand how/why I put up with the crap I've been dealt and his ridiculous behavior. At this point in the game, there's been little IC has offered me that I don't already know. The forum and other psych educated friends really provide the different perspectives I would be searching for in IC. As far as the tools most people get out of IC, I feel like I've got them. I did go to school for it after all.... But like I said this leads me to... 2) My growing ambivalence with the situation. I can completely see 25's point in the "hm, I'm kinda really happy for the first time in a while" perspective. As I told H a while back, he is not the more convenient option. Living with sister is. Dealing with his emotional baggage is exhausting. Not to mention picking up after another human being is another job. At my dad's I only have to pick up after myself and my D. At the house, I add H to that mess (something I intend to address in MC). At Dad's I don't have to worry about when someone is going to be home. They are responsible and consistent. And if they're going to be gone later, they notify me. They don't hound me if I leave them with D for a little while to run an errand. H literally is like a second child at this point in time. I've got enough on my plate with a real infant. 3) Having said that, there are things about my H that I realize I still love very dearly. And the way he does interact with D when they are together is so attractive to me. Seeing him with her makes me deeply in love with him during those times. 4) And yes, to be clear, we did sleep together. Partly I did it because I thought I would be nicer to him if that itch was scratched (and yes, I felt much nicer after that...), and the other part was to see if I could mentally get into that game again. For women, sex is a very mental thing (not just personally speaking, but this is from teaching human sexuality in undergrad). I needed to know if I could get over that hump (no pun intended). And it did bring to light more of H's illogical thoughts. About half the time he kept saying, "but you're a mom... but you're a mom..." to which I would say "yeah, but I'm not YOUR mom". Made me think back to when he said "I don't know how to treat you when you're pregnant". It's like he thinks having the baby made me into this totally different person whom he does not know.
This week was f-ing rough. Not in the R, but just on the job. I had one kid send another to the ER, and I was bit, scratched and bruised from pinching. D's 4 month appointment went well (80% in weight, 90% in height) although she was a little crabby for about 24 hours after the immunizations.
Thursday afternoon the MC called saying we had to reschedule. So we're booked for Monday night at 7:15 now. H took me out to a really nice dinner after D's check up. I felt terrible (when I stress really bad I get migraines), and felt I wasn't very good company at dinner, but he didn't seem to mind. He even offered to buy me a tank of gas when he needed to fill up that night too. That evening, after D went to bed, we watched TV and I tried to get rid of my migraine. I turned in early, a little before 9, and he had fallen asleep on the couch (he drank his alcohol beverage and mine bc I was too sick). I tried to get him to come to bed with me but he shook his head and mumbled "I want to stay here". So I went to bed alone.
I hated it. It reminded me of all those nights I spent alone in the bed, enormously pregnant, wondering where the hell he was. Luckily I was so exhausted I fell asleep quickly. To my surprise, he came in the bedroom at about midnight
H: Hey, why didn't you wake me up? M: Huh? H: You left me on the couch. M: I tried to get you to come to bed. H: You did? M: Yeah, I asked if you wanted to come to bed and you shook your head saying you wanted to stay. H: Oh. Well I want to come to bed. M: Ok.
And so he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep again. Friday mid-morning he texted me wanting to know what my plans were for Saturday. I told him. He then came up with this total BS excuse to say that he wanted me to spend the night at the house again instead of going to my dad's. He said, "well, I think it would save you gas and time if you just come here and then do all your stuff on Saturday instead of going back to your dad's". He showed me the numbers and somehow calculated that it would be 30 less miles for me to go to the house. I could tell immediately he miscalculated it. When I looked it up on Google, it was 3 miles less.
Whatever.
So I just outright ask him "Do you want us to come back tonight?" H: It's whatever. Might just been good for D not to be in the car so long.
Here's the ambivalence for me. I understand why he doesn't want to come out and just say "please come home". I really do. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to hear it. At that moment I just wanted to say, "no thanks, I'll just go to Dad's". But I went ahead and drove to the house instead.
I'm just tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of making the decisions. And the thing of it is, I've always been the one who wears the pants. He may make more dough, but I'm the one who steers the ship. I really think a huge reason this all came to a head during the pregnancy is that it put me in a position of fragility and vulnerability that he is just not comfortable with. I view myself as a strong, fairly independent woman, and I think seeing me in any other state for H is very scary. When I had to have my gallbladder taken out last year, he did everything in his power to try to convince me not to have the surgery. Even when I pulled all the medical journal articles I could find saying it was perfectly safe and I would feel much better, he was freaked out.
On second thought, being the strong one isn't what bothers me. It's that he will not voice that. He will not be honest about his fears. He will not be open with HIS vulnerability. I feel like he doesn't want to admit how well things are going.
Now when we're at the house together, he constantly touches me (not that I'm complaining about that). Little things like leaning on me on the couch, or putting his legs over mine in bed. He's not sexually engaging me, but he wants to be physically near me all the time.
He texts/calls me several times a day. He makes jokes and sends me links to websites. He doesn't just ask about D when he contacts me.
And yet, he doesn't want to make any firm plans about what we're doing with future things like where the hell I'm going to live in 3 months.
Ugh, I'm just irritated with it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased about the progress we've made, but like you guys have said, my pace is just different than his.
I love how articulate you are, even when you are contradictory, you get it.
I do think the truth will be revealed in time, but that may not be what you want to hear, and or, it may not go where you want it to go.
The fact that I know you will be honest in your R and marriage, and he sounds like he will be too,
then at least it'll be the truth.
Keep on Keeping on May, You will get through this.
And I don't have another thing to offer at this time. You're working through so much.
I don't disagree with a thing you said. But I'd like to see a marriage turned around if it can be.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25 and DG. It's so nice to have such supportive friends on here. 25, I meant to comment on another post you had somewhere else a while back regarding your son getting recognition for acting at NYU. I bet he and some of my close friends know each other. I have 2 really good friends who got into Tisch about 10 years ago. Small world.
I realized last night that when I got home I left my breast pump at the house. F me. So I told H last night. We had tentative plans for him to come over today to see D, so he said he'd bring it then. H called me this morning wanting to know my plans for the day. I only wanted to do some chores and go to the waterfall near my parent's house. He said that instead of coming over to my dad's, he suggested me coming to the house and spending the night. Said it would save me time and gas (true) and I could get my pump then. I also have plans to spend the night Monday night because we're going to MC so late in the evening. So we'll see how everything goes.
I'm in a bit of a predicament. The parents told me today there's no way that I can be in the house with D and my sister coming home. There's simply not enough room. I was wondering how this was going to be handled. They want me to put the pressure on H to move out of our house, get an apt or something, and sister and I move into our house while H continues to pay the mortgage. I don't know how the finances would go down for H to pay the mortgage AND rent, so I'm assuming I would pay his rent?? I don't know. But I'm not thrilled about having to make a decision soon.
Part of me says that he wants me to move home now. Honestly, I feel like I'm the one not ready for that. There are too many things still really out of wack. Maybe I could convince my parents to live here part time??
Damn, just when things start to seem to be going in the right direction, another bump comes along. I have a little less than a month.
I'm a L and would not represent myself in my divorce hearing, that's for dang sure.
Just chiming in...and will have to give some thought to your sitch now as I have no ready answer.
Sorry
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just popped in on your story, May. So sorry you have to deal with this crap at one of the happiest times in your life. Your little D sounds like such a jewel.
Yes, I'm not trying to be my own counselor per se, but at this point in time I don't know if IC can offer me a whole lot. Most of my sessions over the past 7 months have ended with "well, sorry about all this. Just keep doing what you're doing". I'd rather save my money than pay the copays for that type of feedback.
I am, however, very much looking forward to MC. Now that I've had the taste of the single life again I remember how exhausting being married can be. For women it's actually more difficult to be married than it is to be single. H was particularly annoying at the grocery store last night. I think he eventually picked up on my irritability because he eventually became playful in the store. But for the first hour of being together I felt like I had a bratty second child on my hands.
Sunday I was very irritated with H at the grocery store because he kept trying to tell me what to buy, or rather, what not to buy. I had a grocery list from my recipe website to follow and he kept trying to prevent me from buying mayonnaise. Kept saying, “it’s unhealthy, you don’t need it”. I’m so tired of his controlling crap. Especially when he says things about food when I know he’s been mainly eating hot wings, pizza, and ice cream while I’ve been out of the house. I don’t have a problem with his diet, but I do have a problem with him getting onto me for being “unhealthy” when I work my a$$ of running and eating good home cooked meals and he lives like that.
I told him that ¼ cup of mayonnaise will not ruin the health quality of the meal and he should be thankful that I’m making him something (oh yes, he specifically asked me to take him to the grocery store and pick out food to make meals for him, so this excursion wasn’t my idea). He continued to go on about me picking out “unhealthy” food (it was all prescribed food for these low carb recipes and nothing else) and he could sense my frustration, so he finally calmed down.
Then Monday night I make dinner, and he said there wasn’t enough food, I shouldn’t eat as much as he does, and I shouldn’t drink iced tea because it is “unhealthy”. It wasn’t even sweet tea! Oh, and don’t forget I’m running after 6 extremely autistic children all day at work, training for a 5k and nursing. Yet, somehow, I’m supposed to eat less than him.
Then we go to MC. Initially it starts out pretty well. At least we both have the same view of how this all went down, and he admits that this all started when I became pregnant and that he has depression. And then the repressed anger over the past 7 months just comes flooding out. I tell the T that he is a very difficult person to live with and I am an extremely patient person and I am not sure what to do at this point. That I want things to work out, but at this point I’m having a really hard time. I also told her how I felt that he is extremely controlling over lots of things: what I eat, how I eat, how I spend money, how I save money, how the chores are done, etc. He retorted that he does that because he feels like I’m a child that has to be parented. I pointed out to him how I’ve done fine over the past few months without him “monitoring” my every move. I just get angrier and angrier. Eventually the session concludes with the T asking if we want to come again next week. I say, “sure, H?” He says, “I guess I have no choice”.
This just makes me irate. I say, “no, you always have a choice. Man up, and make a f-ing choice and stop blaming me for your BS. Do you want to be here or not?!”
“This is you just trying to control me”
I look at the T and say, “do you see what I’m dealing with?!”
She calls the session at this point and says to call before Saturday to let her know if we plan on returning.
On the car ride home and back at the house we say nothing about the session. We’re pretty pleasant to each other for the remainder of the evening (actually, the only reason this is true on my behalf is because I chose to keep my mouth shut as much as possible). I go to sleep furious and wake up this morning with my jaw as tight as a drum. We argue for another half hour this morning. His argument is still about money and how he doesn’t like my body, or specifically, my arms. Says it feels like we’re putting a “round peg in a square hole”
Eventually after I’ve gone to work I cool down a little and say I’m sorry for being so angry and exploding, but I am terrified and literally have nowhere to live for me and D in 3 weeks. He says he understands. I ask if he’s still mad at me and I never hear back again.
I’m so glad I’m going back to my dad’s tonight. I do not want to be around H right now.
I think I’m going to pick up the book “The Dance with Anger”. It’s specifically geared towards women. At least the T acknowledged that I have a lot to be angry about and did tell H his view on needing to “father” me is ridiculous. I could get more into that, but I’m pressed for time at this moment. But the T did recommend IC for me to “grieve” over the loss of my pregnancy. I am still incredibly resentful for that. I feel like one of the most precious times of my life was stolen from me.
At this point I don’t think I have the time or money for IC. But hopefully this book will get me through until I figure something out.
