Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Well, I told our MC in mid-September that I could probably live like this for 2-3 weeks. Then, I decided to make it through Halloween. Then, H said he just needed a month or two to figure things out...so, that put me going through the holidays. When I was "done" in mid-October, I asked H to move out and told him I had met with an attorney and had bought a book on how to tell the kids about divorce. However, I didn't draw a firm line in the sand and recently, was glad i hadn't.

Now, I've told H we should make it through the holidays, but afterwards, he needs to move out if he continues the A. There is a line, but not a firm date.

However, LRT to me means just backing off and not initiating contact. I don't plan to go totally dark (we have three kids who don't know about our problems) and I don't plan to zoom into After the LRT. I feel like I can change course if the LRT makes him pull totally away. (Judging from today, he seems to lean in when I lean out...well, as long as he isn't tangled up with OW)

I agree though...having the attitude that I've had it will come through. I don't want to be bitter and angry with that attitude...but more just detached and happy with myself.

I think if we split in January, that could also be a trigger point for him to change. So far, I've enabled him. He may freak about telling the kids, disclosing to friends/family, etc. And, maybe there's some reverse psychology of me kicking him out that makes him less attractive to OW (or he is mopey about getting kicked out and that makes him less fun and exciting).

I just also know that I don't deserve this. And frankly, his 90% travel schedule means the kids and I are pretty used to being alone.

[Abbey]

Detaching does come in stages for some of us. It's an ebb, flow kind of thing.

Forcing him to give up the OW, and choose you, will only bring you heart ache right now. Let her be the pushy one. Not you. LRT is your job. Smile til it hurts. Smile even bigger when you want to smash them in the face.

Splitting, even if he doesn't grasp the gravity of it right away ... CAN be the lynch pin to fixing things. Just remember that most of these men come back... lay bread crumbs, don't use a sledge hammer.

Abbey

[Nblost]

Thanks. I'm really struggling this week...I feel like I'm obsessing too much. I keep coming on to this website and googling stuff about affairs. I think I want answers to a problem that doesn't have an answer and is out of my control. My IC said obsession is your mind trying to control a situation that it can't control.

I'm not reaching out to him while he is gone. He texted this morning and I just sent back a simple response. Now, nothing from him all day.

I just need to keep believing in the LRT. I do know I have it easier in a way that he is gone and I don't need to see him every day.

Off to take the kids out to dinner. I'm struggling a bit to really GAL lately between work being busy and the three kids. But, H doesn't need to know that.

[Tamashii]

This takes a long time. I never dreamed I be here 6 years. That's not to say you will be here that long, but you will be here a while. Above all else, work on your patience. Next, learn to detach. Involve yourself in your OWN life. Do things you've always wanted to do. There's a guy I met here who is now a champion ballroom dancer, and now he's into body building. He had done neither of these things before. Make time for you, and discover prayer. It works.

[Tamashii]

"Lay bread crumbs..."

I like that, Abbey!

David

[MynameisMZ]

Don't confuse "going dark" with the "LRT" in DB/DR.

[Nblost]

But while he is out of town, it seems like LRT would be the same as going dark? I guess maybe tomorrow morning I could send him a casual, friendly text. I feel like it's too proactive to be calling him unless I have a reason to. It's sad, but he's been gone so much that there isn't much I need to tell him anymore.

I think I'm really upset about his vacation next weekend. It's eating me up inside. I was friendly in our last real conversation before he left Sunday night...so I guess I feel like I've left a positive impression...now, letting him be while he's gone is probably the best way to act detached?

Or, do you guys think I should keep up more of a connection? I am suspicious he is with OW tonight because he called the kids after school.

He comes back Saturday night.

I do need to start some hobbies...I just have zero time between and intense job and being the sole parent. I think I need to get a regular babysitter and maybe find a yoga class or something.
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Tamashii, sorry to hear you have been here 6 years...I will read your sitch.

[Nblost]

H called to talk to the kids this morning and then had my D10 hand me the phone (so, I was off the hook for having to reach out to him today!)

We own a ski condo that H has had since the early 1990's. We now have an opportunity to buy a share in the condo next door...which would be nice for allowing us to invite other families up there with us. I was very supportive of the idea and we talked through it like we've talked through key decisions in the past (we have a similar, analytical approach).

Towards the end, H said, "but what do you think given our situation?" I said, "we'll need to think about it". That's all I said...no pressure, no complaints.

One of the things H said was that now that I've started making more friends in our neighborhood (one of my 180/GALs)...we would have more options for inviting people to join us there. Small victory?!

[Abbey]

Yep... small victory Keep it up

[MynameisMZ]

I'd say yes! I had the hunch that he was trying to see what you would say. Seems as though he wants to make plans for the future with YOU.