WAH - It's getting ugly

[ellay]

And I want to ask him why in the bloody he11 he thinks I am seeing someone. When would I have the time to? It's not like I ever have the chance to go out kid-free. He doesn't even take them for overnights.

[ellay]

After thinking about it, I guess I should just say nothing. I think I'll be seeing him tomorrow, so I guess I should just carry on like it never happened? Would it hurt to give him a simple apology ("I'm sorry about yesterday.") Anyone?

[ellay]

I'm feeling the urge to runaway. I just found out that H has set it up with my landlord to cancel our lease in December. He doesn't know that I know. H has orders to leave the state in the Spring, but says he put in a request for (not sure what the exact name is) an earlier report date. He said that means he could be out of here as early as January.

I am at the point where I just want to go back to our hometown. I miss my family and feel there is nothing left for me here.

[gunny]

hello ellay,
following your sitch. You have been under a lot of stress and pressure lately, just like me. We are not always going to be able to do things the way the book says to. So, maybe you backslid a little, from reading alot of these posts, it eventually happens to everyone at one time or another. If you feel that what you said was inappropriate or not what you wanted to say, the next time you see your s, just say that your sorry about the way you framed what you said, that it is not the way you wanted to say it, and that it is not your intention to exacerabate the situation. I think Michelle covers this somewhere in her book.

Bottom line, we are all human, operating under very stressful situations, and will make mistakes every so often, dont beat yourself up,
Gunny

[ellay]

Thank you, Gunny, for taking the time to respond.

I have to let go. I think I'm done DBing. I'm expending way too much energy into worrying about what I'm going to say/do and what he says/does. It has been very hard to separate the emotional aspect from the practicality aspect. I need to get my head straight and begin making plans.

We're still trying to take advantage of our county's free mediation program, but I know that if we can't agree on everything in a very timely fashion, they will kick us out of the program. I'm thinking that if it comes to that, I will ask that he wait until he PCS's and I move to my hometown before he does any filing. I just don't want to be bound by our county's court system, with both of us moving so soon.

So, that's where I am. I must be a realist here, and realize that it's a crappy situation, but I need to start making moves to get my life rolling without him. For that to happen, I need to go home to my support system. I'm shooting for Christmas holidays. We'll see what happens.

[MrBond]

First off, you need to get back your self-esteem. Whether or not you're going to save your M, you need to save yourself first.

I'll be the first to say that your H is an @$$. He likes pushing your buttons, it's obvious. Right now you need to picture him as something you stepped in and have to wipe off your shoe.

He's shown you no respect and for that, you have a right to be pissed. Protect yourself first. In fact, I would make plans to move back home immediately. You know what he's been doing behind your back and it's going to leave your kids and you out in the cold.

Consult a L to know what your rights are right away. He will start to do more underhanded things, so you want to make sure your assets are protected. You don't want him to start emptying out your savings without you knowing.

We are all here to help you whatever your decision may be, but what you must remember is to not feel guilty about what you're doing.

He is the one causing all of this. Not you. He's going to start pushing your buttons more than ever, just to get a reaction, but don't give in.

When my W was at that stage, I learned to picture her like one of those homeless people who ramble nonsense. I learned to here blah blah blah when she was at her worst and it didn't hut.

You can do it.

[gunny]

Ellay,
Sounds like a plan. Just wondering, does your chain of command offer legal services? Are you near base? Can you utilize any other resources, i.e.legal services for vets with nearby lawyers who more and more are trained as mediators? Just curious, continue to hang in there!!
Gunny

[ellay]

First off, you need to get back your self-esteem. Whether or not you're going to save your M, you need to save yourself first.

I'll be the first to say that your H is an @$$. He likes pushing your buttons, it's obvious. Right now you need to picture him as something you stepped in and have to wipe off your shoe.

He's shown you no respect and for that, you have a right to be pissed. Protect yourself first. In fact, I would make plans to move back home immediately. You know what he's been doing behind your back and it's going to leave your kids and you out in the cold.

Consult a L to know what your rights are right away. He will start to do more underhanded things, so you want to make sure your assets are protected. You don't want him to start emptying out your savings without you knowing.

We are all here to help you whatever your decision may be, but what you must remember is to not feel guilty about what you're doing.

He is the one causing all of this. Not you. He's going to start pushing your buttons more than ever, just to get a reaction, but don't give in.

When my W was at that stage, I learned to picture her like one of those homeless people who ramble nonsense. I learned to here blah blah blah when she was at her worst and it didn't hut.

You can do it.

Bond, You are absolutely right. I'm sitting here in this place, spinning wheels. Getting a job would be a huge help to my self-esteem. Being able to help myself, rather than relying on the scraps he throws me.

We're good at pushing each other's buttons. I'v learned how to back off, but he gets very trigger happy. He needs to just chill.

I wish I could go home immediately, but I would need money to do that. Plus, I would hate to pull S4 out of school. Plus, his birthday is in November. I would like him to have one last birthday with his mom and dad to celebrate with him. If we can just hold out a couple of months, we could have enough money for the uhaul to move us up there (I hope).

I did talk to him about the rumor I heard. He said he knows nothing about it, but that he would question our landlord. I'm not putting much stock into what he says right now. This man I have been dealing with is not my H. I can't trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth.

I know that with the pre-filing mediation, no paperwork related to the case can be filed yet. That means, no temporary support forms have been done. All I know is that he better get his mess together on getting all the mediation paperwork done, or he's going to miss his chance to attempt to do this without getting lawyers involved. I need to put a plan in place. In all truth, I don't see us being able to do it all through mediation. We can agree on everything except the spousal support part. All I want is for him to help me out every month until I get my degree. It's really not that much in the grand scheme of things. He thinks he can get away with giving me 6 months of support. Ha!

As far as the guilt goes, my conscience is clear. I know that I was willing to get my hands dirty to make us work - I still am. He's not right now, and I accept that. I have no choice but to move forward for myself and the boys. They need me right now.

Thank you so much for your encouragement.

[ellay]

Ellay,
Sounds like a plan. Just wondering, does your chain of command offer legal services? Are you near base? Can you utilize any other resources, i.e.legal services for vets with nearby lawyers who more and more are trained as mediators? Just curious, continue to hang in there!!
Gunny

I have no idea. I do know that his chain of command are all major d-bags. This CoC is the kind that sides with the solider, no matter what wrong the soldier has done. Heck, I've watched as a Station Commander had an affair with a future soldier, and the CoC did absolutely nothing. Ridiculous.

We're not near an Army post. We do have an AFB about 2 hours north of here. I'm sure they have a JAG office, but I've heard JAG won't help out with family law. I don't know anything about legal service for vets. Never heard of it. Do you think they would assist a vet's spouse? I'll have to look into that. Thanks so much, Gunny.

[25yearsmlc]

Agree with Bond.

The reason he told others you are seeing OM is, I THINK, b/c he's with OW and knows it looks bad.

So he made up OM for you. Plus in the military adultery is still a crime and doesn't help one's career much either.

I think he may miss some of the adrenaline rush of the deployments. I'm familiar with that in my brothers.

Anyhow, stop engaging (DBing isn't going to hurt you. You were not detaching and that is what hurt you so much).

Do NOT apologize for anything anymore. Really, he's not in a position to expect that of you.

he has lied and cheated on you and neglected the boys. Although you probably hurt him a lot when you left back in 05,

I would not expect him to have that kind of awakening. I mean, you said very little about your reasons or anything about how hurt he must have been.

But you clearly are hurt and so is your oldest child.

If you want to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth, then stop the accusations and stop the games.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't be mysteriuos-you should be. But your credibility is low now so the more you TALK, the more it'll lose impact.

Say less. Do more.

Detach and make plans for moving on. Do NOT say the door is closed or locked, etc. Your letter isn't the type of thing I would write BUT it's also not the type of thing a man would let stop him from trying to regain his family.

If your h wants back in, he can figure it out.

And honestly, would you really just take him back without any effort or counselling?

The more time he spends with OW and her son -whom she does not have with her?? That has surface appeal but reveals deeply flawed character...so

the more you will contrast with her POSITIVELY...

how?

B/c on one hand he'll know you'd never leave your sons with him full time
b/c you are a great mom and that matters!!

AND the NEW YOU will be pleasant and upbeat and FUN, funny, easily laughing and talking with friends about happy future plans,

a woman who at present makes NO demands of him (but the law/finances DO make demands of him. Let the L's handle that so they are separate from you in his mind...that's what they're for).

So you become a woman only a fool would leave.

Other than clearing the way for his R with the boys, set him free to discover that
the grass is greener, where it gets the most water.

You cannot teach him this. Please don't think that saying things "just right" will make it all right this time.

No one letter or phone call will end or make the m.

Making small incremental but consistent changes, over time, is the way to show you're a different woman.

When he revises the marital history, if it's a bold faced lie (Be sure b/c I once forgot something happened, literally and almost called h a liar til the kids reminded me it happened...) but if you are SURE he's flat out wrong

you can deny a false claim like you didn't cheat.

But for other types of revisions that are wildly OFF, you say "I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if it hurt you."

And if his revision isn't that off or if you did screw up or missed an opportunity, then you say "Well if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Both responses are validating his experience and reveal CHANGE IN YOU...and he cannot argue with either. AND they don't escalate, they tend to calm the listener, which is good.

Hang in there, protect yourself and don't think that means you are giving up.

Detaching and letting him go is probably the thing most likely to get him back.

It's also the same course of action you need to take for YOUR life to be happy sooner.

What are your 180s and GAL for you now?

Imagine your life in a year or two without h, but happy. Detail that picture.

What's it look like? What can you do to create that, now?