I guess I left out of the other thread that I also have tremendous respect for 25yrsmlc, and vc even if we disagree on tone or other details from time to time. I know where your hearts are and the service you give here. It's valuable. Extremely valuable in many peoples lives.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thanks. I may stop posting to rysmom, idk. I have at times, felt she was not strong enough to be here...if you kwim.
But then I worry that a few years down the road, if she doesn't get some real help, she'll be on the streets, on our dime. And that bugs me. 4 years is a long time to still have panic attacks that stop your entire day, b/c you think you saw the back of OW's head from 50 yards away...
If the only way for her to get "real help" is to file, then she needs to save herself. I fear she's losing it big time, in a slow dragged out way. God help their son.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi sgctxok, didn't know this was here until five minutes ago. Sometimes I get curious to see what the mods here are saying to other posters, and found this. Thank you sgctxok, I do try my best to be a friend first here, and try to help where I can. I have so much empathy for rysmom, as I can relate to the extreme panic she feels. I don't know where I would be tomorrow if my H started the whole thing all over again. Other than where rysmom is now. I posted to rysmom back years ago; we have a lot in common, but where my M went one way, hers has stayed in a limbo that must be awful for her. I only want to help her in any way I can. I would not encourage her to file, because I would not have done so. I know it comes to that for some here, but I always encourage people here and in my life away from here to try to work things out, because I believe what the Lord said about marriage.
That being said, if I have said anything I shouldn't, I am sorry, and will be good from now on .
except for your character flaw for favoring U of A...you're fine.
(Actually my niece is there now. Seems she preferred it to Auburn -sniff sniff)
I don't agree with some of what you say b/c I don't understand it. Fair enough?
Like, are you happily reconciled with your h now and if so,
how'd it happen?
Is it really the same as rysmom when she's been stuck in limbo for 4 years?
Plus, my own experience (which I guess we ALL project at some points here b/c what else do we "know"?)
is that 2 relatives did divorce and then remarried...they'd have gone on in limbo forever and NOT restored their m's if they'd stayed stuck. I don't want to say to file as a tactic but honestly, it might just work with her sitch. What she's doing sure hasn't...
Plus for ME, Limbo would have slowly but steadily killed something in me that would not be recoverable, I fear...kwim?
Can we agree she needs to DO something different?
Seems like DB 101 to me.
VC just a last point-and again, I don't recall what ended up happening in your sitch so forgive me if I'm wrong or off base here.
but, if my h were to enter another MLC or had a lasting affair
or ANY type of serious marital crisis again, I simply KNOW i'd be fine. No way would I go through the same crap again or for as long.
In all likelihood I'd leave and not look back. Not sure.
But I KNOW I would not endure another "TIME" like that again in my life. Life is too short.
DBing is for me, an odd blend of "life long process" AND a "once in a lifetime event"...
I won't let myself get that hurt again. And that's not by shutting him out at all.
Its by protecting/comforting & loving myself more now than before, and knowing what I now know...no one can ever do that to me again, short of me losing one of my kids.
I find this not sad at all, but curiously empowering. Hope that makes some sort of sense to you.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, first of all, your niece is a very smart girl.
My H and I seem to have definitely R. I guess I knew it was for real when my sister and her H were having problems, and one day we stopped in to see him. My H and BIL did most of the talking, and BIL said my sister said he was too rigid and mean, or something to that effect(he is in the Air Force). H told BIL people can change. After we left, H told me he was glad I gave him a second chance. And that the things he was saying to BIL were aimed at me, too. We have been kinder to each other, we still have arguments, but I would mostly rather give in or tell him I see his side of it, and he will do the same. We just don't fight like we used to. Things are so much calmer around the house. He told me he isn't going anywhere. He calls me to let me know where he is, when he will be home, and sometimes he calls several times during the day, just to chat.
It took me nearly two years to get over the depression I was plunged into when I first found out. I have no idea how I found this site, but boy am I glad I did. I bought every book people recommended. I bought "How To Save your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. I wrote bits of advice from here and on other sites all over any blank space in that book (it's very small), and I carried it in my purse all the time. I read DB and Dr cover to cover, and went back and re-read parts that seemed to most fit us. When wasn't reading, I felt like a zombie. I lost 60 pounds in about five or six weeks. I got dehydrated, had bad leg cramps from that. I was living in fear, I had panic attacks, thought I was having a heart attack. I started trying to focus on my S and myself. I wouldn't say each day it got better, but after the first year, it wasn't as awful, and then the second year '08, was less awful than that. I guess when I got the courage to tell H that I expected for him to have no contact, and when I found there had been, to tell him no contact means no contact, I began to feel I had a say.
If I had stayed like that long enough, it would have slowly killed who I am. I totally agree she needs to do something different, but if she is dead set against filing for D, what do you say? I think she is from NJ, and there are alternatives to filing for D, even if they don't have legal S.
I don't know if I could forgive another A, either. I don't know how I would handle it. I do know I could not handle another six years or so of the crap I went through. So, fear or no, I would be fine on my own, if it came to that. I probably sounded braver than I really am with that statement
It makes perfect sense to me; with what you and the others of us here have gone through, what the heck else could life throw at us that could s*ck as much, and hurt so bad? Except like you said, the unthinkable. We have had our trial by fire, and we got singed, but we didn't burn up.
So, what made your niece decide to don crimson and white for the next four years? Is your family from the south? I actually root for Alabama, because my mother(the midwestern girl from Ohio) does and because H does, but I used to love to bug people by saying I was for Notre Dame. Our S's school plays your old Alma Mater on 11-19.
So, how are you and your H getting on? So, I think you said y'all are in California all the time? Or do you go to Alaska, too sometimes? Can you see Russia from up there? How did your H finally get out from under the spell of those people? What happened to ow? Polar Bear???
.
