MLC OR WAW

[gunny]

Hello, I am new to this board but really have benefitted from reading many of the posts. Your compassion and willingness to help people you dont even know is amazing. I am in need of some advice. My wife dropped the bomb on me on June 20th, this year. We have been happily married for 11 years, together 13, with no children. Of course, over these 11 years we have had our issues, specifically my inability to show my feelings, my very strong some would say disfunctional loyalty to my immediate family i.e. mother, brothers, etc, but none that would rise to the occasion to cause a divorce. MY wife, by her own addmission, has always been reluctant to stand up for herself, she would stuff her resentments to the point where they have blown up to the dropping of the bomb. She is 45, and I am 51, I noticed last year she started to change here hair style and color, started buying new clothes, buying and wearing alot of jewelry, which she never did, and using facebook more and more. She traveled to OHIO last year to care for her ailing sister, reestablished a relationship with her best friend from grammer school She has never liked new jersey. We are still amicable and will be living together until this november, when she will be moving to Ohio to stay with her sister. She is originally form Ohio, and has told me she wants to move thre to find a connection. She feels that she has lost herself in our marriage, and is only now being honest when she says she wants to leave. She has told me twice in the last few months that we had a good marriage, and that I was a good husband, but that she fell out of love. Of course, at this opoint is is very negative about everything, our life was boring, we didnt do enough fun things, she is only 45, not 60, etc, etc. I do not want a divorce, I HAVE asked her to attend cc with me she refused. She will be leaving in 6 weeks, I have been actively dbing for about 2 months, sometimes I see moments where she is concerned, lingering for conversation, etc, so, I gues my question is, do you thinnk she is undergoing a mlc or waw or perhaps a hybrid, and what is my best course of action. Sorry for the rambling, you all are great and i EAGERLY await your response. p.s. there is already and ea with old boyfriend from ohio,

[greenblue90]

Gunny
It's both. She has all the classic signs. My best advice is to realize her mind is made up, and the more you fight the more you embolden her. All you can do is GAL, DB, and make yourself as attractive and interesting as possible.

There are 3 things that must happen:

1. She must change her perception of you

2. Whatever notion of a better life without you she has, it must be brought to reality

3. She must choose you over OM either because you are better or he is worse.

Unfortunately you can only directly affect 1. And partially affect 3. So it is best to focus on making yourself a better man. You won't be able to convince her she must willingly and freely choose you. All you can do is to continue improving yourself to make picking you easier. Good luck and keep posting.

[gunny]

thank you greenblue, I appreciate your input. I definately agree with what you say. I have been galing, biking, going back to school for another masters, joining local church group. Last night we had dinner, it was her birthday and she just got back from ohio, wanted to do something nice for her possibly last birthday with me. She is very sorry about what is happening, but is insistent that she must do this in order to make herself happy, she has not been happy for years she says , she is in business mode now she says, and will be leaving in six weeks. I think what is really bothering me is that she will be moving 550 miles away, and she is taking our dog, I have never had problems with depression, but the grief is coming at me in waves, luckily, going to work and having structure in my day really helps. Has anyone else out there dealt with a similar situation where w moved far away? Any success storie? Thank you again for all help, you guys and girls are great people!!

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Your situation is very, very similar to mine. You need to focus on yourself and GAL. You and your marriage are not even on her radar screen at this time - all she can focus on is getting out. The grass is greener on the other side at this point. You need to become the man she married - better than the man she married. Don't pursue, don't beg, don't plead - focus on yourself and moving on with your life. Use the LRT. Once she sees you will flourish without her, she may reevaluate. But you cannot control that. Time and patience. Be the best you can be.

[gunny]

any chance:
thanks for your comments and support. I was reading some of your story, sorry to hear about it. I am right now completely devastateed, feeling as if execution day is in the offing, 6 weeks away. I have never had these symptoms of depression, literally no sleep last night, although in general I have been sleeping at least 5 hours per night. The guilt that I feeel for lost opportunities in this marriage is really eating away at me, and yet.... I know this will pass , may take a long time, but it will, again, thank you for your kind words, I am finding that the support of friends, both known, and newly met, is my biggest asset. Thanks again!
Gunny

[jbnati]

Gunny, I'm sorry you found yourself here. You'll discover it's the place you'd rather not be, but you're glad you found it.

Have you read DR or DB yet? If not, I'd highly recommend reading it ASAP.

I think your approach is going to be very similar regardless if whether she is a WAW, having a MLC, or is some sort of hybrid. Like AC mentioned above, this does seem to qualify for the LRT approach.

I have cut and pasted the "37 rules" here below:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than half of what you see. (IOW, nothing they SAY matters and only half of what the DO might. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared and must justify their choices.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[gunny]

Hello JBNATI,
Wow, thank you for taking the time to paste this. I am actually in the middle of DR and am also reading the circle of anger, to get some perspective. I actually found DR about a month ago and had been putting many of its principles into affect with some small but noticable results. But, about 3 weeks ago I wrote my wife a letter stating that I took responsibility for my flaws and shortcomings in the marriage and was willing to initiate any changes in our marriage to make it work, I also asked her to come to MC with me since she was going to be living with me at least until next may when our lease in our condo is up. After she got this, she immediately decided to leave this November in order not "to lead me on" She has been for the most part very delicate in how she treats me, worried about how I am taking things, trying hard not to make me feel worse. She says she has great guilt in not fulfilling her marriage vows and not staying in our marriage to realize our dreams of retireing early. She feels that we talked so much about the future that we lost track of the now, (she is quite right in this) She has some legitimate claims, I feel as if I have undergone a Near Death experience of sorts and am willing to do whatever must be done to save the marriage. All I ask of her is that she open up to me and not stuff her feelings. Sorry for rambling, you guys are great!

[gunny]

yesterday my wife submitted her resignation at her job, she has been there 19 years and is ready to move on. She will be looking for an administrative aide postion at a company in Dayton Ohio, where she plans to move in early november. This is about 550 mile away from where I live.
The advice on this board is great, all about GAL and working on yourself and improving your own life situation. I have started along this path, one thing I always did throughout our marriage is stay busy with exercise, going to the bookstore/library, hiking biking, etc. But, Its easy during a marriage not only for your spouse to fall into MLC or WAW tendencies, but for yourself to also loose track of yourself, I definatley feel that somewhere in my marriage I also lost myself, and am awakening from a long slumber for hopefully a new period of growth.

Just curious, has anyone on here undergone a longdistance separation over a period of time and been able to reunite with their spouse after a period of time? Does it ever happen?
Thanks, and hope to hear from someone,
Gunny

m-12-2000
m-51
w-45
bomb-6-2011
wife moving to ohio-11-11
sep-pending
d-pending

_______________________

[gunny]

yesterday my wife submitted her resignation at her job, she has been there 19 years and is ready to move on. She will be looking for an administrative aide postion at a company in Dayton Ohio, where she plans to move in early november. This is about 550 mile away from where I live.
The advice on this board is great, all about GAL and working on yourself and improving your own life situation. I have started along this path, one thing I always did throughout our marriage is stay busy with exercise, going to the bookstore/library, hiking biking, etc. But, Its easy during a marriage not only for your spouse to fall into MLC or WAW tendencies, but for yourself to also loose track of yourself, I definatley feel that somewhere in my marriage I also lost myself, and am awakening from a long slumber for hopefully a new period of growth.

Just curious, has anyone on here undergone a longdistance separation over a period of time and been able to reunite with their spouse after a period of time? Does it ever happen?
Thanks, and hope to hear from someone,
Gunny

m-12-2000
m-51
w-45
bomb-6-2011
wife moving to ohio-11-11
sep-pending
d-pending

_______________________

[gunny]

wife called me this morning at work, she has been staying with a mutual friend of ours who lives in the same condo comnplex, while my mother is visiting. She stops by every morning to pick up the dog to take him walking, then drops him back off before she heads out to work. I left her a check to pay the rent at her friends place, she called me to tell me I had given her too much, that we were supposed to split the cost. I said don't worry about it, it all came out in the wash. (control of money had been one of her big complaints about me over the years) I was pretty laid back about it, which I think she appreciated. It was a 180 out of DBING.
When she called, she went on to relate how her brothers dog had gone in for a bowel obstruction operation last night, she seemed chatty, very friendly. From the beginning of this whole mess, we have been very amicable, in fact, some of the women from my divorce support group have even said that our divorce is better than their marriages, lol.
I have been working very hard to keep things friendly, I told her a couple of times that no matter what happens, I will always be there for her and will be her friend.
I think that is important.I want to keep the lines of communication open at all times, even when she leaves. Many of my friends are telling me that it is a good thing she is leaving, it will give her some much needed time to work out her problems., thanks for listening all.