Help! Walked out on

[brianw17]

Hey everyone, My wife left me last week and was sort of lost, after reading as many books that I could, I believe she was a walk out wife. She refuses to talk to me, her friends, I have since stopped communication with her at her request. I have set up therapy for us, it starts tomorrow. I dont know if she will come or not.

We were married at 27, now we are 31 no kids, but were were trying for the last year.

I have done a lot of sole searching and can see the problems in myself that she didn't like, I would be short with her, critical of her, and protective of her. I am working on changing myself to be the better person she needs me to be.

She asked for space and time, which I am giving to her. She has not filed paperwork, or seen an attorney.

No one thinks there is another guy, because shes staying with her parents, and well for a lot of reasons.

any advice out there?

[dbmod]

^

[~ kd ~]

Welcome to the DB boards, brian... you will find a lot of supportive and helpful people here...

You indicate you have read a lot of books... have you picked up and read Divorce Remedy? It is a great book to help you work through this and it is the basis for a lot of the support you will get here.

It's great that you've recognized your shortcomings in the M. So now is the time to start working on those things in yourself. That, along with GALing and 180s, as these positive changes in you become consistent and stick... these are things that your W will notice and might go a long way to helping you save your M...

This is often a long, drawn out process so we say this journey the LBS spouse is on (you) is a marathon... time, even if it does not feel that way, is your friend...

So what are some of the things that you are planning to do, to work on yourself...?

[Kiki11]

Hey Brian

I'm in the same position, only it was my husband who announced he wants a divorce 2 weeks ago.

I would also recommend Michele's book.
Read it, it has a lot of advice.

But in the meantime, I would recommend that you do not try to force your wife to go to the therapist.
Maybe say something like...."I booked a therapist appointment. I'd like you to come, but it's OK if you do and OK if you don't".

Also, this may help...I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday. She left her live in boyfriend 3 weeks ago and moved out.
I asked what happened and she said she felt like she wasn't in love and asked him for some space to sort her feelings out. Instead of giving her that space, he started pursuing, professing his undying love, calling up her family and friends and crying to them. All really needy, unattractive behaviour.
Needless to say she's not impressed and is even more determined now that moving out and leaving him was a GOOD move. She actually said to me it was the best thing she has done.
So if your wife has asked for space, give it to her.
In the menatime, work on yourself and do things that make YOU happy. If she initiates the conversation, be positive and upbeat.
Good luck!

[brianw17]

Thanks for the responses, lets see what has happened....

I have read the books recommended and I am trying the no-contact and 180 style.

Last week we had our first therapist session, she did not come which was alright because I told her I would understand if she didn't want to come. Rather, she came and got some additional clothing from the house, not a lot of clothing I couldn't really even notice. So maybe thats a good sign?

This also seems to be a hasty decision on her part, she left on a tuesday, and on saturday we were both in a friends wedding (she ask that I not go), a week before she left she had her cervix dialated (seemed very painful) so we could have a better shot of having kids. She was supposed to start clomid this week.
I sort of have to imagine that if she was aware she was walking out on me she wouldn't have gone through a painful procedure and done it after that wedding.

I have began eating like I did when I was fitness freak (tuna and chicken, and veggies 5 times a day) and I have dropped 10 lbs.
Joined a gym because I don't want to lift in my empty house.
Applied and Started coaching youth hockey.
Bought new clothing
and began building for Habitat for Humanity.

I have made some screw-ups, like moving money into a personal account the day after she left, on the advice of my friends who are attorneys. She emailed me late last week stating that she needed time to "consider our marriage" which isn't what she said when was walking out on me. And I tried to explain that I moved money because she said she wanted a divorce and I was scared and hurt. Hopefully she can get over that, because I can get over the fact that she walked out on me.

I am having little to no contact with her. I told her that the ball is in her court and that I am not going to write to her anymore. Our next session is this 9/14. Hopefully she will come. I am going to begin setting up two therapy sessions per week starting next week.

She said that she doesn't want to talk to be because I am too good of a talker and she wants to make her own decision.

I am willing to play her game for a while, but I cannot see myself riding this roller coaster for many more months.

[brianw17]

So to update, today was our 2nd therapy session. She did not attend, but she did talk to and is going to see this therapist on her own. The therapist seems to think that this is a good sign that she doesn't want a divorce, and that W will eventually begin T with both of us.

The therapist believes I should continue the no contact idea to giver her power over this situation. Because I am the type A of our relationship.

The therapist and I agree that she is acting very strange and juvenile and is perhaps having a mental breakdown or an early MLC. I believe I have addressed all of the problems in our M, and taken ownership of my problems in the M. The therapist is concerned that W seems not to be able to see her actions of leaving me, not communicating with me, telling friends, empathizing with my situation, and telling family about this situation - as a problem. Nor is W indicating any of her faults in our M.

W asked the therapist "why doesn't brian trust me" (regarding the changing of Locks, on the advice of counsel, which were changed back) to which the T said, "well you left him. You know where he is, he is at work or at home, taking care of both of your responsibilities. He doesn't know where you are, or what you are doing. Why would he trust you?"

This is going to be a marathon.

Heres a question, so our Brother-in-law is seems to be pushing her towards the divorce, if this gets fixed how do I rectify that?

[brianw17]

three weeks of no communication from w, makes me want to file