Wife wants a divorce,but I do not.

[HHIF]

We have been married 28 years,living the last 4 under the same roof but not as husband and wife,sleep in separate rooms and have no physical contact,just basically raise the kids and split the bills.

We separated 4 years ago and she filed for D but later stopped it and we moved back in together,her reasons for kids and finances only.

Now she is tired of living this way as am I and wants to move forward with the D.

I do not want the D and continue to pray that her hardened heart will be made tender and loving again.

She wants us to go to mediation instead of spending more money on lawyers.

We have done nothing to try to reconcile because she has shut down towards me and is very stubborn,I told her if she will attend Retrouvaille with me and nothing changes about how she feels that I would agree to mediation.

It's just hard to understand how this woman that I have been with for more than 30 years can be so cold toward me.

There is no evidence that she is involved with anyone else,she goes to work and comes home makes dinner and then goes to her room,no going out or unexplained times away.She just says that we grew apart and she is not in love with me any more and wants to move on with her life.

[~ kd ~]

So HHIF...

You mention that she moved in because of money and the kids and has shut you out so you could not rec...

But what had you been doing to continue to DB? Did you do anything FOR YOU, that would make you a man that only a fool would leave?

While it might seem unfair, in the original DB book, and even in DR... as MWD states, it takes one... she might be waiting for you to change... and that svcks... but if it take you changing... and she does nothing... and remains the same woman... do you want to be with her?

[HHIF]

I started DBing when we lived in separate places for 6 months,doing 180 and working on getting a life outside of my life with her and it seemed to be working,she would call and ask me over for dinner etc.

Since we have been back under the same roof I know I have backslid some,saying I still love you buying flowers etc.It's hard for me to not pursue her when I see her every day but I know that by doing that I have just pushed her further away.

I was jealous and controlling and and she always kept things inside until one day she had enough and walked out the door.

We are both Christians and it's hard for me to not say I love you even though she never says it back.

I am kind of lost as this point as to what I should or shouldn't do.Is letting go and acting like I do not care what happens what I am supposed to do.

I have DR so I will get it back out and start re-reading.

[~ kd ~]

Well, you tell her you love her... so she knows that...

I don't know if buying her flowers would be a back slide... it would depend on the difference between her expectations when she moved back in vs. yours...

What I'm trying to understand is what conditions were put in place and who chose the conditions when the two of you started living together, again...

I think what's worth looking at here, over the past four years is how you didn't feel it was necessary or worth continuing to DB...

Not being sarcastic here, but did you expect that maybe she would change her mind?

Why, now that she's pushing D, are you interested in working on DBing, again...?

It is great that you want to, but did you get any sort of indication that she wouldn't simply D you, eventually...?

[HHIF]

When we first moved back in together she told the kids that her and I were going to try to work things out but that didn't mean that everything was fixed.

we shared a bed for a little while but she felt uncomfortable and talked about leaving again so to keep peace I slept on the couch for awhile until I grew tired of that and tole her that I was moving back into our room and I hoped she would stay,she then turned our office into a bedroom and that's where she sleeps now.

I have not completely quit the DBing but I did feel like we may be on the way back at times only to realize I was the only one feeling that way.

Things happen and time passes,if I had stuck to more consistent DBing and not pursued her or told her that I still loved and asked her to put forth effort to reconcile instead of just giving up,maybe we would be in a much better place now but I can't go back only forward from here.

I have asked her to attend Retrouvaille with me before pushing forward with D. she hasn't responded.

[~ kd ~]

ah, ok... so you were working under the belief that she also wanted to work on the R...

except...

you continued to get mixed messages and from how you've stated your perspective, she never really moved towards you to reconnect... aside from the passive action of initially sleeping in the same bed...

so it seems like really, she assumed that her mind would just change, without having to make any effort...

cake-eating for four years under the guise of "working things out"...

oh well, live and learn I guess... I can understand the half hearted attempts and gestures by you... and she can once again leave the M and happily tell anyone who would listen that she "gave it one last shot"...

OK, so I don't think you can live in "could'a / should'a" land...

Can you list some key complaints she might have and what kind of 180s can you do around those...

And also, what about GAL...?

And remember, no matter what, do this for you and make the good stuff stick... she NEEDS to see the positive changes in you and trust that they are real and she will probably have to get some "mystery" from you to draw her closer... to become curious about you...

That's just my take on things... certainly not a (or the only) path for you to take... do what feels right for you and do what works...

[HHIF]

Her complaints would be that I smothered her and she would complain about our finances and that she feels pressured by me.

My 180 is to back off completely,do not ask her where she is going or where she has been,do not try to convince her that what she is doing is wrong and she should put forth effort to work on our marriage.And you are right about her saying that she has put in effort but her heart hasn't changed.her effort consist of us going to one weekend marriage conference when this first started and she just went through the motions so she could say she tried, she thinks that her going to a therapist by herself is some how working on our marriage,the therapist is the one that told her that she needed to find herself.

GAL-I am now going to a men's group at church and I work with the teens on Wednesday night at church,I have started surfing again,and I plan on being out more often at night.

[~ kd ~]

Very k00l on the GAL! Personally, I am planning on taking up SCUBA and maybe jumping out of a perfectly good, flying airplane... and maybe I'll take up sax lessons again or maybe some artsy, fartsy classes...

There's also an online group called Meetup that you might look into for special interest groups that might be meeting in your area... that will cover a lot of ground for the mystery and 180s of no longer smothering her...

Is your W still playing the "blame game" on you? Four years of negligible effort sounds like she's still "stuck" and continues to want to have no responsibility for her happiness and her problems...

What is it about the finances did she complain about? That there wasn't enough household income, or that you controlled the money, or...? Do you two have separate accounts?

[HHIF]

Yes I do think she blames me and yes I did screw up by being jealous and controlling and she kept everything inside instead of saying something until she was walking out the door.

We do have separate accounts now,money issues are about to much out going and not enough incoming not about me being controlling with money.

She has stopped wearing her wedding ring this week and that bothers me because even though she doesn't treat me like a husband at least the ring said to other men that she wasn't available,but I haven't said anything about it and won't.

[MrBond]

What do YOU want? I'm not talking about to save the M. But what do you want out of life?