Really tough day today. Stupidly went on a ‘date’ with a girl I haven’t seen in 10 yrs on Saturday night…was nothing in it, just catching up. But I’ve been so down and sad since. I spent the whole time comparing her to my W, missing my W, wondering where she is, if she is with another guy etc. Hating it…..and yes Country you were right, I’m in no way ready for anything. Booked some IC this week. Every time I feel like things are on the improve, it just gets bad again. Having contact with my W last week just made me think of her more and more and miss her so much, and everything we had together. Life really sux at the moment. Almost feel like I need a break from everything, even this Board as it just makes me obsess more and more.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Hugs Cam. I've had a bad day too. OW is moving in with H and I just want to put myself out there and be loved too - but you are right - it's just waaaaay too early.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Hi Cam, I'm sorry your hurting this morning. Like you, I'll have days where I'm perfectly fine and then other days I am so sad it takes all of my power to get out of bed.
I don't think it is a bad thing that you went out on a date with someone and realized you aren't ready. How else are you going to know? Now that you do, you can deal with it. It would be a different story if you did know yet continued to date women anyway.
I am really not a fan of this emotional roller coaster. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that you are not riding it alone. We are all here for you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I had my first session with a IC last night. She was nice, very comfortable, but also a bit confronting. Basically went through my whole situation, what has brought us to this point in our M failure. I acknowledged all the things I had done wrong, how I felt it would have made my W feel and what I could have done better. Pretty sad today, as she made me see the reality that my M will most likely never be saved and I have lost my W for good. So hard to accept this and move on, when I still miss her so much and miss her friendship and our relationship. The C and I discussed how it was not all my fault, even though I seem to own more than my fair share. It's still hard to think if I had only done this or done that, or if this M was so important to my W then why didn't she do stuff to save it. We discussed the flight or fight personality - W is definitely Flight!
I can keep doing the work on myself, but in reality my W and I will never come together again without some sort of miracle occuring - and they don't happen too often do they!
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Hey Cam, I'm sorry IC was rough. Some days the emotions are overwhelming ((( )))
The truth is neither you, your w, or your IC can say that your marriage will never be saved. Just as we all thought we would never be here, we don't know where we will be.
Not saying that your m can be saved either.. just saying that the future will be what it will be. We do our best to live each day the best we can, representing our best selves, and always moving with the best foot forward. Where our journey takes us.. we won't know until we get there.
Chin up.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
First - congrats on seeing an IC. It's great that she was a bit confronting - you wouldn't want someone who didn't help you see where you need to grow, right?
The IC can only really help you see what you tell her.
Assume that you have a bias. We all do.
Quote:
she made me see the reality that my M will most likely never be saved and I have lost my W for good
This seems to be where you go when you feel down anyways, so did she really make you see it or did your thoughts reflect that belief when you were in there? They can only suggest whats probable based on the evidence you present.
What is good to hear, is that she is helping you through the distorted thinking of assigning all the blame to yourself. That is really important. You can't really move forward as long as you hold on to that belief.
Quote:
in reality my W and I will never come together again without some sort of miracle occuring - and they don't happen too often do they!
Maybe. Maybe not. Like you said, you can keep doing the work on yourself. If the possibility of R arises, you are in a better place to handle it and have a better shot at success.
If it doesn't - you are in a better place with yourself. And you will have worked through things that negatively affected your R w/ your W.
You know that statistic? The one about how 60% of 2nd marriages end in divorce? You drastically improve your personal odds by making real changes to yourself. You will be more likely to end up with a partner who is going to be willing to confront the hard work of marriage.
Either way, Cam, you are in a position to make some significant changes for yourself and be a happier person for it.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
What is good to hear, is that she is helping you through the distorted thinking of assigning all the blame to yourself. That is really important. You can't really move forward as long as you hold on to that belief.
Good call.
Something to continue to work on cam.
Now the C telling you 'it's over' in one way or another.
The truth is chances of R in these sitchs is rare, but not impossible.
But what I am guessing the C wants you to understand is you need to be prepared for either outcome.
If she tries to talk you out of any hope... That might be a red flag to me.
But not being there. Knowing what was said. I can't gauge that.
But regardless. For you. You DO need to be prepared for either. Life will go on regardless cam.
Can you keep hope without holding onto it? That is where you should work on getting to.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
