We have been together for 9 years, and married for 7 in October. We have 3 children, 6, 4, 1 1/2. Over the past 4 years, it has been bumpy. The last year I was getting all the WAW signals that I just didn't see. When she finally said "I want a divorce" on July 24th, I was in shock. I thought we were having typical marital issues, not the end of a marriage and a family. Ove the last month, things have been hell...she was involved with another man, and has just recently decided to end the 'emotional' part of it..but I know it will continue even as "just friends. I need to move away back to NY, we are currently in VA. I have no family or friends in the area, no job at the moment, and no where to live if not with her. I have been getting mixed signals from her over and over, friendly yet slightly more conversation, the occasional "let me in" feelings. She seems pretty sure that she needs to do this, but I do not believe she is 100%. She definitely does not admit that she is unsure.
I am moving to NY in 6 days, and she has 'let me in' enough to show her the husband and father I should have been over the past years. I even asked her if I was this man all the time, and the man you fell in love with, and the man you saw - ever so rarely - throughout the years, could you be with him (me). She nodded and her eyes were lightly welled up. I am sure a big rt is that she does not believe me or is yet unwilling to take the chance or leap of faith. I am scared that going to NY will almost force her to move on because the man I was before she dropped the bomb was nothing to miss. I am praying and hoping that the man I have professed myself to be and that I am showing her I am the next few days will be the man she can remember as long as I am away.
I know in my heart that this is the man I am. I was blind by fears, and mistrust that should not have been there. These problems led to control and neglect. I have proclaimed over and over that these were never my intentions. I caged her like a bird unknowingly, and am scared that this new single life of freedom that she seems to want may be more powerful or alluring than having me by her side - even with absolutely no cage or neglect.
I plan to write the children letters all the time, and talk on the phone with them as much as I and they wish. I am hoping for her and my conversations to increase even slightly. I need whatever opinions or advice I can to see if what love we did have (that she claims to not have for me) is there and or if it can grow from that distance. i am more in love with my wife now knowing I may loose her than I was believing that she'd never leave. I feel in my heart, and ca see in her eyes that there is some - however small - love for me there, more than friends. Either she does not see it, or denies it.
I do not want to be 9 hours away and loose that love that I believe she has. I know I must be strong, but I also cannot presume as she does that this cannot be 'fixed'. She has agreed mostly to a separation and time and space. I am afraid she will not miss me. The man I am.
I totally agree with db here ^^^^^ although I can not see if you might be saying WHY you need to go to NY, other than you are currently not working and have family in NY...
While we all understand how difficult it can be to live with a spouse who doesn't want to be married, only you know how much you can take...
But... even though it's not necessarily a reason to stay because it likely means nothing, your W "tearing up" and her (unprovable) words indicating the OM is out of the picture...
For the time being... can you emotionally deal with it a little more?
Again... why are you moving...?
Because also understand, that in some (maybe many) jurisdictions, the moment you leave the marital bed, or worse, the familial home and kids... you have made the move towards D... YOU are abandoning the family...
Let us know what is driving you and how we can help you, regardless of your ultimate choice...
She claims that because of the way things are and have been, she MUST do this on her own to prove to herself that she is capable. We have been much more friendly as of the past few days, but she still does not see me "that way" But that comfort-ability is hard to be specific on because she gives TONS of mixed signals.
I must move to NY because I have no place to live (sleep) without being with her, she believes that she needs the time and space to be without me to make an 'ultimate' decision. I have very high hopes that we will be OK, I am just not sure how to 'prove my love and worth as a husband' from afar.
Moving is not an option with her decision, I have no other means at this time. We are talking and doing much better . . . as friends, but it is still far from her being able to say, "I think this can work". But again. Mixed signals. She agrees in the understanding that I need to move.
As far as the OM, she planned on Monday to break it off totally with him, but then decided why not remain friends. I explained to her that he was a rebound and she agreed, and also there would be no 'return' of feelings to me (if any) as long as that friendship continued. I know and believe that I trust as she said, there are no plans with him More than friends. I do believe and trust her near 100%. Again the mixed signals of how much she cares, if and how much she may love me, and what is exactly in her brain remains a mystery.
She needs to prove herself to herself, and i believe she wants to see how well I will 'succeed' on my own, and what I will be doing in that meantime. At first my thoughts about going back to NY was absolute fail and call for D. But since I have NO alternative save someone giving me about 3 grand, then it is a must and she understands.
She said one thing yesterday that gave me a bit more hope..."maybe this can become a new beginning."
She is a wonderful woman, and I believe my 'groveling' without the patheticness has allowed her to open up to me a bit. Since the "emotional' bond with the other man is not as apparent, although still there as we both agreed, she is unable to open up any more until it has ended Completely.
I just need the best advice I can get to be worthy as her spouse and prove love and attempt to light her flame - to some extent - from afar.
Oh and another reason for the move is that she herself is moving with the 3 kids. And she said that she did not want me to go with her as a way to prove her 'independence' to herself.
I believe you should find a way to stay. It is never completely true that there is no alternative. There may be no easy alternative. You cannot parent from far away.
What are her complaints about you/the marriage? What does she wish you would have done?
Ok first thing, the reasons for the move is absolutely no money, I have filled over 35 applications, all denied or already filled, no transportation, no sleeping place other than "at home", and only place I can sleep I cannot store anything that I need to have. The place I can sleep is her brothers (who is on my side), problem with that, is I have overstayed my welcome with my tears and he is unwilling to change his mind.
As far as the problems. It is complicated, but I will do a best short sweet I can. We got together 05/03/02. The first month I was a gentleman, then I began to turn 'ass holish'. Begged her back during the blackout of '03. Things were better, but up's and downs. Asked her to marry me while we were pregnant with our first. Married 10/14/04, baby was born 11/21/04. Second child was born 12/03/06. I realized by this point that I was treating her unfairly as a wife (unsure why) and made a bad decision to attempt to leave her. I began a fakeish emotional affair with someone to push her away because I honestly believed at the time that I was no good for her. I got drunk one night (LONG story, I never drink, ever before or after) and blacked out. During the blackout, I had a one time infidelity with the OW. It took me four years to find out that I was basically raped rather than cheated on my wife, but by this time we were already passed the bomb drop.
We tried to repair what we could when I finally came to my senses. Things got slightly better and there was no confirmation that infidelity occurred. The OW never said anything, but was pregnant, claimed she was raped at a party. (this all sounds worse than it is). 2 years later before our youngest was conceived, I had to to a blood test so the OW could get support and medical for her child. He was mine. me and the wife were in shock. I didn't know it happened and her worst fear came true. We had another child born 03/13/10, I treated her like a queen while she was pregnant, more on that later. We moved from NY to VA 3 1/2 years ago. To get away from the mess of that affair I had. It didn't work.
I began, when we got here, to play an online game World of Warcraft...all the way up to the day of the D. 3 1/2 years later, I played 1 FULL year of play time within that 3 1/2 years. I was neglectful around the house, inattentive to her and the children and was obsessed with the game. All on top of being controlling.
NOW, after the bomb, I was in a crisis center for 5 days and found I have generalized anxiety disorder. My fears, even of imaginary things give me false perspectives on whats real. I have a fear of being alone, and even while I or she worked (basically any time we weren't together) I had suspicions. 90% of the time I could be ok with that, but sometimes my lack of apparent trust caused issues and the illusion of control. I never intended that to happen...hindsight being 20/20.
In short, I was controlling and neglectful. The control was a direct result from my fear of her leaving or being alone. I basically caged her like a bird, unknowingly. The neglect was mostly from the addiction to the Wow game. She decided to leave. If I had NOT played that game, we would not be here.
We have talked quite a bit today, and she just wants to see, mostly, me getting better with the GAD (disorder) and get a job, make money, and keep in constant contact with our children. Have patience she says. I believe and trust and hope that we can get back together, and I think my GAD fear is clouding my ability to hold steadfast with that trust.
GAD and patience without knowledge is a terrible combination...I wonder if I am actually afraid of nothing, but if that were the case, then why wouldn't she just ask me to stay. She must be afraid that I cannot change. Would my surviving and apparent happiness in NY be enough. We have been in love, and we have been happy, it did happen and it can happen with all my heart I believe that.
Here are my honest thoughts: At first, when the bomb dropped, she knew she wanted out. The rebounded with OM. The emotional and sexting affair was ended, friends remain. Now she still believes she needs to be on her own for awhile to decide what she wants. I believe she'd like to 'stay with me' but only after I get help and she sees that I can Stay that better man. I am not sure though, it could be my fears of being alone justifying. I just can't be sure...but I suppose who can.
