I will only offer this, the counselor will probably lead...
So whatever your vision of how the session might go... understand that it could go any other way BUT the way you envision it...
I'm aware, and expecting the worst. But since she already wants divorce and sees no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm having a difficult time seeing how my situation could get worse.
I will only offer this, the counselor will probably lead...
So whatever your vision of how the session might go... understand that it could go any other way BUT the way you envision it...
I'm aware, and expecting the worst. But since she already wants divorce and sees no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm having a difficult time seeing how my situation could get worse.
Good, although I understand what you are saying and it is ok to expect the worst... don't feel you have to... it just helps if we fail to see positives... takes the sting out...
I can tell you and many others here can, as well... until the WAS is ready to work on their own stuff, MC often becomes a place the WAS uses to point out every bad thing the LBS has done...
Having a strong constitution during this time is imperative. It's like standing tall and strong while your wife beats on your chest because of some anguish she's feeling and not bowing down... Listen... even if you find it difficult to validate, just look at your W when she's talking and do your best to remain calm and do not refute unless the counselor gives you the floor...
When you are given the floor, do not speak on your W's comments. Stick with your own agenda. Again, if your W refutes while you are speaking, just keep speaking or look to the counselor to interject and give you the floor again...
Again, these may or may not be things you already know. I'm just repeating them to keep them in your mind.
Having a strong constitution during this time is imperative. It's like standing tall and strong while your wife beats on your chest because of some anguish she's feeling and not bowing down... Listen... even if you find it difficult to validate, just look at your W when she's talking and do your best to remain calm and do not refute unless the counselor gives you the floor...
When you are given the floor, do not speak on your W's comments. Stick with your own agenda. Again, if your W refutes while you are speaking, just keep speaking or look to the counselor to interject and give you the floor again...
Again, these may or may not be things you already know. I'm just repeating them to keep them in your mind.
Thanks again. I feel things went well, all things taken into consideration. One thing came out of all this: she has no interest in trying to understand what my life has been like. She has trust and thinks I'm responsible as far a being a father goes, but in "all other areas of life" she does not feel the same.
The complete and total disregard she feels, including that she may have made a mistake in marrying me, has shut me down. We both want to be good co-parents, and I had thought that she wanted friendship, but I'm not so sure now. Regardless, I'm going to leave that up to her if she wants to pursue a friendship. I have no interest in having a relationship who has no interest in me, including the absolute negativity with which she views the past 15 years.
I'll likely continue to post on here for a while, but I really don't see anything to save in this marriage. So I'll just keep on saving myself.
That sounds pretty familiar, SP... My W has said to me that she does think I'm a good dad... and the compliments or validation pretty much ends there...
A difficult place to be emotionally, but a good place to be in regards to growth for you...
How often we say that we are making changes in ourselves, for OUR benefit... when in reality, we secretly or unconsciously believe that if we just do this or be like that or... that our spouses will notice and come back to us...
We really grow when our spouses are not part of the equation, in regards to our own growth, purpose, and direction...
Keep working on yourself, SP... you're doing fine and as we say... it gets easier... and better...
Sorry to hear it was a hard session SP... take some time and process. Remember that she views everything so negatively because she has to. If it was positive and good, then what is she doing? Something must be wrong with someone who walks away from something good.
Remember the axiom... only believe 30% of what they say and 50% of what they do.
Or look at the other side... she trusts you and thinks you're a responsible father. But in "all other areas of life" you're not... what? How does that even make any sense? So your life is a mess over here but she trusts you to be a dad...? Is that even possible? That's like saying the living room is ok but the rest of the house is on fire, so let's just hang out in the living room.
She's crafting her own reality. You don't have to agree to it. But it is her reality and she's free to have it. You can either do things that prove her wrong over the long-term so that she has to either reconcile her beliefs with what is actually happening, or just surrender the fight and let it go.
My W's "reality" is that I've manipulated her and "bought" her for the past five years to keep her in our R and not allow her to see that "there is more out there and she could be out finding the love of her life." WTH? Really? Yes dear, that's exactly what I've been doing. I bring you home a beautiful ring from a work trip I take to Philly because I'm hoping I can buy a piece of your love.
OR... maybe I do love you, you like getting gifts, I like how they look on you, and so it's a win-win. Well... one of those is more likely than the other.
But I know how it feels... when my W said the above it's the only time I started to lose my cool... it's the only thing she's said so far where I've gotten "meanish" towards her and argued and invalidated her feelings. But they are her feelings... only she can change them.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
How often we say that we are making changes in ourselves, for OUR benefit... when in reality, we secretly or unconsciously believe that if we just do this or be like that or... that our spouses will notice and come back to us...
I think I was making the changes for me, but you're right of course; I'd been hoping it would change something about the way my W felt about me. It's apparent now that no amount of change will make any impact on our relationship. So now she is just the mother of my children, and maybe someday she'll be a friend.
Or look at the other side... she trusts you and thinks you're a responsible father. But in "all other areas of life" you're not... what? How does that even make any sense? So your life is a mess over here but she trusts you to be a dad...? Is that even possible? That's like saying the living room is ok but the rest of the house is on fire, so let's just hang out in the living room.
Doesn't make any sense to me either.
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She's crafting her own reality. You don't have to agree to it. But it is her reality and she's free to have it. You can either do things that prove her wrong over the long-term so that she has to either reconcile her beliefs with what is actually happening, or just surrender the fight and let it go.
I agree; she's crafted what she needs to believe in order think she's making the right decision. At the moment, I have no desire to prove her wrong. I do, however, have a sincere desire to prove myself right. Her beliefs no longer factor, she saw to that today.
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My W's "reality" is that I've manipulated her and "bought" her for the past five years to keep her in our R and not allow her to see that "there is more out there and she could be out finding the love of her life." WTH? Really? Yes dear, that's exactly what I've been doing. I bring you home a beautiful ring from a work trip I take to Philly because I'm hoping I can buy a piece of your love.
This is exactly what mine has said except that I was on the reverse end and getting a free ride. She said again today that I was living the high life, doing whatever I wanted, no responsibility. In reality, I was depressed and struggling with becoming a stay at home dad and giving up my personal dreams. My lack of clarity of vision during that time cost me 5 years of marital happiness, it cost my W all 15 years of it. If she has any heart at all, she may look back one day and wonder what life must have been like for me during that time. It's unlikely, and while I think it would be freeing for her, I don't particularly think it would be freeing for me.
By the way, I asked about compassion and all that pretty much exactly as was suggested, and her response was that she had none for me. Tells me all I need to know...
