Trying not to hope is hard

[~ kd ~]

SP, the beautiful thing about this is very rarely is one action or one moment a marriage destroyer...

You can and will do whatever that moment brings... and we will be here to read about the results and provide support and feedback...

The worst for you might be the anticipation of what is about to happen... rather than dealing with the consequences of choices after the fact...

My opinion, a song is a bit much in a tense situation... sometimes it is recommended that perhaps a simple card with the words "Still worth remembering." or something like that is just as meaningful...

[silveryposter]

SP, the beautiful thing about this is very rarely is one action or one moment a marriage destroyer...

Indeed, in the same way that one action or moment isn't a marriage saver.

The worst for you might be the anticipation of what is about to happen... rather than dealing with the consequences of choices after the fact...

I've thought about that as well and I try to limit my expectations to nothing or just above nothing. Certain things would be nice, certain things would be not so nice, but I don't expect one over the other.

sometimes it is recommended that perhaps a simple card with the words "Still worth remembering." or something like that is just as meaningful...

That's pretty much what my intent is, summed up very nicely here. I appreciate the words, thank you. As far as the song goes, I'm a musician, and when my wife first saw me, I was singing. I proposed with a song, I sang at our wedding, I've written songs for other people's weddings, I play music fairly constantly around the house... It's a big part of who I am.

Truly, it is the best way I know how to express myself. I don't expect glowing reviews, hugs and/or kisses, or anything of that nature. I've written one other song that I've sang for her in the process, and she said she like it and it was one of my best. That's about the extent of what I expect, though I know she hears the message as well. And the message is... thank you.

[silveryposter]

Our anniversary is Saturday, and we haven't really talked about it. She's scheduled herself to work that whole weekend, and we have no plans.

I decided to just break the ice and give her a card now, with a nice bouquet of flowers. The card was a thank you card with Pooh and Eeyore, and here's what I wrote inside.

In remembering our 15 years, one thing shines. I regret nothing. If you hadn't come to me in January, I may not have awoken. If I hadn't been lost in my sadness, I wouldn't have found my happiness. If I hadn't left Karate, I wouldn't have been able to raise our children. I hadn't taught Karate, I may not have found my love of teaching. If I hadn't taken a chance, we wouldn't have gotten married. If I hadn't sung that song so many years ago, we wouldn't have shared the past 15 years. THANK YOU. You have been an amazing wife, mother and woman. We have shared a passion for life that is beyond compare. In honor of 15 years...

So there it is. It was on the table with flowers and some Kit Kats (Halloween season you know). She'd opened the card when I came downstairs, but didn't acknowledge anything. No thank you, nothing. That's exactly what I expected, and therefore I am not in the least disappointed. I brought the flowers up to her office a little later, saying they were for her on this rainy day. She said okay, and that was that.

My intention was just to let her know that I value all the time we've had, good and bad. She knows it, has some candy and flowers too. All in all, since she didn't get angry with me, I call it successful.

[Hopeful321]

That was very sweet of you. I am proud of you for not expecting anything in return.

I gave my husband a card and a bag of peppermint patties (his favorite) for our wedding anniversary. He did the exact same thing. Never acknowledged it or said thank you.

I wish he would wake up like you did.

[~ kd ~]

My W never acknowledged flowers I bought for her... then later, she said, "thanks. that was unnecessary"...

So I bought her more flowers a couple weeks later...

and she said, "Stop! It's making me uncomfortable."

So what I found was... just because the outward response wasn't negative... didn't mean her internal response was positive...

All of us here know that what you did was nice...

All of us here know WHY you did that...

So does your W...

Just a reminder that we often say here, "believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see..."

[silveryposter]

...just because the outward response wasn't negative... didn't mean her internal response was positive...

Yeah, this is certainly true. I'm not thinking she's up there re-thinking our relationship right now. I expect she just thinks "That was nice", and is a little irritated. I'm am fully aware that there is nothing further I can do to heal our relationship, other than just keep on keeping on. That makes things a lot easier.

[2thepoint]

Reading your post really touched me. It came across as brave and sad at the same time. I agree with other posters that while it served a purpose for you, don't expect anything in return.

Shortly after my W first dropped the bomb my reaction was to send her flowers, (something I only rarely do).

The card attached read the following:
My love for you runs deeper than I ever realized and my heart aches at the thought of losing you! "Love like a river will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle". I love you with all my heart!


Since I was away at the time and concerned that she might not know flowers had been delivered to the front porch, I texted her to see if a package had arrived. She texted back a short while later that "they're beautiful"! She never said another word. The card sat on the kitchen counter for a few weeks then one day it was gone. I discovered it later tucked in a drawer up in her bedroom. So maybe it made an impression. Who knows? I'm glad I sent it and said what I said but I won't likely be doing that again as it is a pursuit tactic that I know shouldn't happen.

[silveryposter]

I'm getting tired of the dance, or as JB put it, marathon.

I'm dancing on the edge of a precipice, holding on to some hope while being too afraid to let go completely. I feel like if I completely let go of all hope or feelings, then there will be no possibility of reconciliation. On the other hand, if I hold onto hope to hard, I will destroy any chance I had. It's exhausting.

I love her, but I can't love her because she has such a skewed notion of who I am (manifested since bomb). I want to move on with my life and stop worrying about wether we're going to reconcile, but I don't want to bring up divorce "just in case" she's quietly reconsidering. We have moments of true fun and connection, but I feel empty just moments later because I want to hug her but can't. Then, I want to pull away because I don't want to feel the disappointment anymore. It's a crazy, exhausting cycle with no end in sight.

Could really use some words of encouragement or insight.

[sunshiny2]

Hi,

I am new to DB and although I can't offer too much insight, I can say that I am going thru the same emotions. I am getting very tired as well and find it completely exhausting to get thru each day. I totally get it and wanted to show some support.

Hang in there!

[2thepoint]

Hey SP - I'm not totally familiar with your situation but judging by your date registered, it sounds like this is fairly new to you (September 2, 2011). So, while I share similar sentiments as you, several posters would say to "get a grip". If you are tired now, what are you going to be feeling if this stretches out 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, etc? The point is that if you are committed to DB then you have to resign yourself to the fact that it will likely take a very long time to turn things around.

So the question is, are you up for the long journey? If so, then you must know that it will not be easy. There will be many good and bad days ahead. What you need to do is GAL to help you get your mind off your troubles. Rediscover yourself! Learn what it is like to be the man you were when you and you W first got married. Focus on these things, do your 180's and if things work out, FANTASTIC! If they don't then you at least gave it your best shot.

Now, if you are not up for the long journey, then your decision is fairly easy. give up and move on. The choice is your to make.

Full disclosure.... I am struggling with the same doubts as you but what I read here and elsewhere and what I feel in my heart of hearts is that staying the course is worth it.

Only you can decide though!