Hello all. My original story is posted under newcomers titled "all of a sudden".............
Its been a little over a month now since our big fight over something stupid, and when he asked me what I wanted, I told him that I didn't know if things could get better. He interpreted that as "I want a divorce" and its been a downhilll spiral ever since.
We've both been unhappy for a long time, and I've tried and tried so hard, and have forgiven so many things, all I ever wanted him to do is understand how he makes me feel. Well he can't do that because it would mean acknowledging hes done something wrong. We've separated before and he has always chansed me, I guess maybe hes bound and determined not to do that again?
The house is his, which has always been one of our issues, so all of my things are in storage and I'm going to stay with my brother.
I miss him, and I do love him, and I know we could be great together if he would take the time to understand.
We've been together for 4 years Married for 3 no kids together. I have four and he has three.
I spent 2 days falling apart while he watched me, walking around the house like he is completely happy. But I picked myself up and moved on and started moving on with my life, but some days are so hard...........
It is too bad that your sitch looks like your H was into the "honeymoon" but never really committed to the M...
This all sounds quite sudden, although I do wonder if you look closely, can you come up with any other "complaints" that he's had about you, during your time together?
What were the reasons the two of you got M?
And what have you been doing to DB this M?
These "other" forums on this board generally are more slow, so you are likely to get more responses in your Newcomers thread.
Also, you are moderated right now and will need to get your number of posts up beyond 40 to get off moderation, so your posting is immediate shown.
DB is a great book, although there is now the Divorce Remedy book which is almost like a 7 step workbook, that puts more focus on specific types of situations that you can focus on specific techniques. Highly recommended if you don't have it.
DB is for you of course. Heal yourself first... So that you become a woman your H would be a fool to leave...
His biggest complaint about me is I don't act like I love him. He doesn't realize that the things he's done to hurt me is why I am not affectionate towards him. He has never made this a marriage, its always been whats his is his, and whats mine is his, and he doesn't realize how that makes me feel. So yes, I know his issues, the problem is, he has never been willing to look at himself
De, it sounds like your H is projecting... It's their "dirt list" of you, which is often their own issues:
+ I don't trust you + You are never there for me + You aren't meeting my needs + You don't respect me + You are too controlling
etc, etc...
Certainly, if some of those things "sting", we might want to work on those. Everyone can get value at getting better at those types of things...
Yet just as often, these complaints are what they know they've fallen short of, or how they feel about themselves...
+ I don't trust myself + I'm never around and won't let you close + I'm getting my needs met elsewhere + I don't respect myself + I'm trying to hide my shame and guilt by running and you won't leave me alone
Unfortunately, until your H is ready and willing to look inside, he will continue to project.
It is going to be your CHANGES and your DETACHMENT and your GALing that might catch him looking back over his shoulder, stopping in his tracks, and wondering why you aren't chasing him anymore... when he MIGHT look inside himself and come to terms with how he has been in the M, and fix his own stuff...
But... he may or may not do that... so you DB for you... regardless of your H or whether he figures himself out and stay in the M...
Thanks Kaffe You are so right. I am by no means perfect, but I've spent 4 years trying to "help" him realize some of the things he does, and he cannot, and I'm not sure will ever look inside himself. Everyone in the house sees it, even his own kids........
I'm out of the house now, staying with my brother until my new house is ready on the 16th. Everything of mine is out of the house, and its pretty empty, but I'm working on myself, and feel better just knowing I don't ever have to go back there.
Rumor has it that he is moving his ex wife in. Shes been a problem in our relationship all along. Figures. But it won't last, she cheated on him several times, and he won't be able to stand her kids, he can barely stand his own.
I should just let go, after all he's done. Just don't know how to ease the pain.
I'm just wondering about the dynamics of his ex moving in with him...
I have a lot of really good friendships with exGFs, and prior to being M, I did have a couple times that exGFs and I considered rekindling our Rs... none of that was successful and that's fine...
I'm just wondering what it might mean for your H to have an ex as an OW...
It doesn't affect how you DB, though! And try to be clear that you should not be competing with her...!
You are his W and through your DBing, you are becoming an even greater woman that only a fool would leave...
Maybe this is the point where he renews an R and possibly remarries his ex, or she is just a diversion and his poor kids will once again be devastated when they do not "work out"...
Nothing you can do about that... just be the best you can be and if your step kids reach out and try to maintain an R with you... make sure you are there for them in a respectful, step parent kind of way...
