Hello I am new to the boards, but have read DB before, about 10 years ago. I have been married for 3 years, and my husband wants a divorce. It is the 3rd marriage for both of us. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post, but I really don’t know where to turn. And I feel I need to tell the whole story. We’ve been separated once before, for a year. Every time I have left he has begged me to come back. After the years separation and some counseling I returned with the promise of a new future together. I have been unhappy for awhile now, and thought I wanted a divorce, well be careful what you ask for. My unhappiness consists of a lot of different things my husband did. The house we live in belongs to him, when I came back we were supposed to buy a new house together. Well with the market the way it is, we couldn’t sell his. So I decided that was okay, if he put my name on his house and we remodeled it together. Never happened. For four years almost everything I own has been in a storage shed because there is no room in his house. It’s not just “stuff” a lot of it is stuff that belonged to my mom who has passed away. About a year ago he said he would buy a flat screen tv to put on the wall which would free up some space on the floor for some of my things. Well he finally did buy it last month for our anniversary, but I payed dearly for it because the entire day all I heard was how broke he was because he bought the tv. I tried explaining to him that I did not want my happiness at the cost of his. We moved my things out of storage and into the garage. Well I payed for that as well because now it’s my fault that the garage is full and he can’t work on his car. He breaks a lot of promises, claiming to forget. In my mind if something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you too. I also have always had to go to work, come home, clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, go to the grocery store. He will never take the initiative to do any of it for me. He may ask the kids to, but he won’t. These may sound like little things, but it gets frustrating after awhile when you do everything humanly possible for your husband, yet he won’t do the same for you. When he has a bad day, everyone in the house pays for it. As soon as he makes everyone miserable, he’s fine, then can’t figure out what is wrong with everyone else. I’ve tried so so hard to explain to him how all of these things make me feel, but he just takes it as criticism and gets upset. He also has a 7 year old daughter who is spoiled. Spoiled to the point where she will walk around the house saying “I can do what I want, daddy doesn’t care”. Well the other kids get tired of hearing that, and start to resent her, then he can’t figure out why no one wants to spend time with her. It seems he is not happy unless everything going on in the house is either about him, or her. Even his older son sees it, but he won’t stand up to his dad. He complains that I don’t show him any affection, therefore I don’t love him. That is so not true. With all the resentment and hurt I feel it’s hard to show affection. He says I can’t ever let anything go. Well, I could if he would acknowledge he’s hurt me. I work for a hospice company. I’m a nursing assistant, and I’m very good at what I do. He hates it. He hates the fact that I love my job, he hates the fact that my patients love me, and he hates it when I come home to share my day with him. I thought if you’re spouse was good at something you were supposed to be proud of them. He also lies about dumb little things, which makes me wonder if I can trust him on the important stuff. Ok, enough of the past…….. About a month ago we got into an argument. He texted me and asked me what I wanted, and all I said was “I don’t know if it can get better.” He said “if that’s the way you want it.” And that’s where it all began, he wants a divorce. No discussion, no knock down drag out, nothing. I have since told him I miss him and love him, and he has said things to me like “my heart is not in it anymore” and “we don’t fit, never have” and “this no longer works”. He even tried to talk me into moving out of state with family members! The worst thing about this all, is I don’t understand. So here I am living in his house with nowhere to go. He walks around here like he doesn’t have a care in the world, but spends little time here. We don’t acknowledge each other at all. And that is so hard because it breaks my heart everytime I look at him. He pushed me to download the divorce papers and sign them and he’d give me money to move. So I did. He was texting me a little the other day about details, things like car insurance and stuff. So I told him my plans (like I had it all figured out). Then he said “that just leaves papers” I said “the papers are signed” well he hasn’t spoken to me since. I don’t know if there is an OW. Hes never been the type to do that. But for how easy it was for him to let go, and just not care at all, and say the things he did, that is the only thing I can think of. He doesn’t spend a whole lot of time here, and he hasn’t spent the night here since I told him I signed the papers. I know sometimes he works with his dad and stays at his dads house, so I don’t know what to think. Today he told my kids he was going to Montana for a few days with his dad for work, but he took the divorce papers with him. That doesn’t make any sense to me. Two months ago we were in the mountains and he picked a flower and put it in my hair, and carved our initials in a tree (stuff he never does). That was a good day. How did we go from there, to here. If he hates me so much, why does he keep the anniversary card I gave him on the nightstand next to his bed? I’m just really confused and don’t understand how easy it was for him to let go. I know we have a lot of resentment right now, and I don’t know that any of it can be fixed, but I do know if we can both put the past behind, maybe we could start over. I have moved all of my stuff to storage and am looking for a place, mostly because being here is killing me. I have been fixing myself up and acting as if I’m just going on with life, but its been hard, when all I really want to do is hug him. I could really use some insight here, and really thanks to those of you who took the time to read this. And some of you might even be saying “why do you want to stay with this guy”. Because I love him, and I know we could make it work if we could just understand each other somehow.
I found a house and was approved. I am excited to have a place that I can call my own, and actually unpack all of my things.... I waver alot between looking at the past and how it hasn't changed, and whether I should just let go, and the fact that despite everything, I do love him and wish things could just get better. It hurts too much to stay in this house while he is doing his own thing like nothing is bothering him. My house won't be ready until about the 15th of Sept. I'm going to go stay with my brother until then.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have come to the right place for support.
You said you have read DR before, are you reading it again? I know this is hard for you, have you thought about going to counseling for yourself? If not, I would suggest it.
How many kids do you have? Do you have children together? It might help if you give more information on your situation so that we can better help you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I Have 4 kids, a 21 year old son in the Air Force, an 18 year old daughter who is about to make me a grandma, a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. No, we don't have any kids together. We've been together 4 years, married for 3. He has never made the effort to make this a "family", yet he accuses me of the same. It seems like everything has to be about him and his kids. He accuses me of everything he does. All I have ever wanted was for him to understand how he makes me feel, but he just takes everything as criticism, and doesn't seem to care that he has hurt me.
I have not looked into counselling for myself. Going back to being a single mother, not sure if I could afford it.
Yes, I read DB about 10 years ago and reading it again.
I seem to waver a bit. Hes been out of town for 4 days and I found myself being fine. Moving my stuff, being ok with everything, thinking this might be for the best. But as soon as I knew he was home again....I hurt again. I think I will feel much better once I'm out of his house. The fact that the house is getting emptier and emptier doesn't seem to bother him at all...........
