You don’t know me and I don’t know anything about you other than what you have written. I don’t post much but your story hit home for me today. I will tell you the advice you have been given is the only thing you can do for yourself. This is going to be a long hard road you are about to travel and all I can do is encourage you to do what is best for you. You and your son are the only thing important in life right now.
I am going to tell you that I did all the wrong things as far as pursuing, begging, crying thinking I knew what was best and all the other things listed on that list of 37 items that Sandi has provided. Let me tell you I am positive that if I would have stood up and been the man that I am today, I wouldn’t have pushed her into the arms of another man. The thing is I thought I knew my W better than anyone on an anonymous board and how could this stuff work? Well this stuff does work and it can save you and possibly your M if you let it work. I was the hard headed new guy that thought he was doing what was best and now I see where I made mistake after mistake. Don’t be that guy, listen and be the best dang man you possibly can and it will save you.
Clear your mind and focus on what is really important your son and you. I know how difficult this journey is and trust me I don’t wish it on anyone. I will say if you follow what the good people have to say here you will come out with a whole new mindset that will change your life.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Hang in there Mike. I know when people tell you this that it just seems like empty platitudes. I felt the same way all summer. People kept telling me things will be better and time heals.
I found out that it does!
My wife has only been moved out for 5 days, but so far I am surviving. In an odd way, I am enjoying it! I don't know why... I am going to ask my therapist today. I never thought I would feel this way.
So focus on yourself, reach out to friends, and try to keep busy. Things will get better!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I find your strength amazing. Sometimes, I feel like I 'almost can see' that place I need to get to but more often, I am so consumed by all those feelings. Ugh. I am getting better and this site and the literature really help. It is a day by day ( more like hour by hour) deal right now. Thank you all for the help. Time to start another day. Mike
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
Those “feelings” do get in the way, however it will get easier over time. I know that it doesn’t seem like it now, but be patient with yourself. You already recognize that the feelings are getting in the way. That is why GAL is so important. It will help get yourself re-centered.
How was your weekend? Did the Divorce Remedy arrive in the mail yet? I read some it myself on my trip over the weekend. It was good to get refreshed.
Telemark recommended that you detach, so I wanted to share a link about developing detachment.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This really stinks....I read a hand full of your posts (NTXSadDad and LITB) and I don't know how either one of you survived it.
It certainly isn't the easiest thing to go through, however I can attest that I am a better person for the awakening from this situation. It has forced me to look within to find what I truly want out of my life. Plenty of thanks to the great members of this community and the DB'ing way of life.
You will not only survive, you will flourish my friend.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
"LITB" AND "Seminolewind", Thank you both so much for the words of wisdom / experience. I also appreciate the link to the detachment thread. Although, a lot of this stuff isn't new, I still find it helpful to read and I find that it makes good sense 'intellectually'. When it comes to moving these beliefs and thoughts 18 inches lower from my head to my heart, that is where the real challenge comes in. As if that weren't enough to transform these beliefs into heartfelt ones, the process of delivering my thoughts in message form to my W in the same kind, patient, loving way I had intended, is NO easy task. My emotions still manage to find their way into that communication in some form or another.
I realize that I don't have to explain all my thoughts and feelings to you folks in this forum given that you have already experienced this stuff (and maybe you still are dealing with some of this) but, I think it does my heart good to share it anyway. There is a restorative element to putting these feelings down on paper and sharing them with another human being. I certainly don't claim to understand the 'why' or the 'how' of it but I don't have to. The fact that it works is good enough for me (at least for today).
I received my copy of the DR (Divorce Remedy) book today and it is not a minute too soon. I feel like it is the life line that I have been needing to go along with the forum. The combination of hope that comes from your stories and experience PLUS the solutions based approach that is in the book are vital to my survival right now and I know that. I will post again as soon as I figure out what I think of the book (or as soon as my next melt-down occurs)whichever comes first. Just a little relief would be nice....just a little bit.
Mike
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
Mike, Welcome to the place you wish you didn't need to be, but you're glad you found. You will find a lot of support here.
Please know this will get better with time. There are some things you can do that will help to accelerate the process of you feeling better. For me, it has been getting a life (GAL'ing). Once I really was able to get that going, I started getting excited about the direction my life was heading. Start looking for things you've always wanted to do, but have never taken the initiative. Pick up some old hobbies or start some new ones. Re-connect with some old friends. Get yourself out there. We use the term detaching around here a lot, too. I think this can be confusing at times. I'm glad LITB provided that link for you.
I am glad to hear you did get your copy of DR. Read it multiple times. You may find sections you may really want to concentrate on. You'll ntoice that list of 37 dos and don'ts will re-appear in the book, too.
Like Telemark suggested. Post often. The more you post, the more we can help. You are moderated right now, but there will be a day when the moderation will be lifted.
Jbnati, Thank you. I have to tell you (well, maybe I don't have to tell you since you already know this) but....it is so tempting to want to explain that I am not as bad off as some of those other people. See, I am not that far down the road or maybe I am not suffering from unhealthy attachment 'as bad as' some of those other people. I am reminded of that saying, "there are no degrees of pregnancy." Either you are or your aren't. OK, fine....I am.
Great, now what? Even as I sit here wanting to explain how much better things are at the house (and they are better), I am also wondering if it would help my W if I boiled that chicken in the refrigerator that she was going to use for a meal. You know, maybe if I could just take away a little of her stress by 'helping' with the house clean up, cooking, errands, anything that I can possibly do....maybe that would fix it. It's not like I think the household chores are hers to do, we both work and share in most everything - we divide up work where it makes sense, so this isn't a matter of doing 'her' work....but more a matter of me trying to 'fix' this situation. My attempts, obviously, did not (have not) worked. I get the whole, 'doing the same things over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity' deal. I guess I am saying that as much as I don't want to identify with the 'attachment' label, I am attached in an unhealthy way to my W. I have already found out how difficult it is to be a grown up, apply healthy detachment behaviors, and really be a good friend without pulling away, pouting, showing her my grand efforts, and showing her my pain. It is hard to do the right thing, expect nothing in return, and do it just because it is the 'right thing' to do.
I have my list of things to do....try an old hobby, start a new hobby, grow, explore, touch base with old friends, make a few new 'appropriate friends'....I get it. The days, fortunately, are not feeling as long as they were...time doesn't seem to be my enemy as bad as it was. I am very fortunate that my W shared with me that she responds well to Touch and Time. So, now, I rub her back and neck at night prior to going to sleep which helps fill both our emotional buckets and during the day, I try to just listen and not 'suggest' to her anything. Oddly enough, sex is better than ever and I am not complaining about that. The combination of intimacy and non-sexual touching (massage) has helped more than I can say. We both recognize that we are 'almost unable' to mess up those two items. I am sure we could mess them up if we really tried. Ha
OK - I am going to read my book, make a plan for the day, and GAL. It's a start. Thank you again for the suggestions, for listening, and for being there. I never ever thought I would be doing any of this stuff. When you all say that this can be a blessing and that you came out of it stronger than you went in to it, I struggle to really believe that but I have proved that I don't know much of anything any more. I could probably fit everything that I really know about this situation into a thimble. Perhaps admitting I don't know is a good start.
Have a great day.....I am going to try.
Mike
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
