Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

thanks jb. Yes, I will. I cannot fathom the selfishness of the WAS who drags a tiny child from his stable home. "Oh, we will share him." Dam* it, he's not a puppy. He's my son.

I am always wondering how things can get worse. Need to stop wondering. It just happens. The sadness, the emptiness, the horrible feeling of loss. We've all been through this.

I remember reading someone wrote on here one time that they hadn't read any stories that sounded like the sitch was so serious/bad that it was worth ending a R over. I really really really didn't know what to do --- One of her complaints is that I 'tried too hard'. She can't see that I was trying so hard to please her and make her happy. If I had not cared, I wouldn't have tried........ I'm trying to keep myself together, but I'm not doing well at all right now. Not well at all.

Am going to call L's and see about setting up consultations. No way is she dragging my son through her muck if I can help it at all.

[jbnati]

One of her complaints is that I 'tried too hard'. She can't see that I was trying so hard to please her and make her happy.

I think a lot us here have made that mistake, myself included. One thing is you can't make her happy. It's not your job. It's her job. Secondly, you probably lost yourself in the process. That's not attractive. This is now a time to find yourself again. Re-discover and re-invent the person your W fell in love with in the first place. Become the better option.

[In_Shock]

yes, jb that is also true. I know I did lose myself in the R. I honestly wonder sometimes who I am without her. Once I can breathe again, I am going to work on continuing my growth and my rediscovery.

I still of course want my family to be intact, but right now is the time to start doing the jb GAL program!! Believe it or not, I actually thought about you on my way to work this am. I think I'm going to buy a bike and start riding. Really. That is one of my goals for the next couple of weeks. I used to bike a lot years ago. I loved it. You are so inspirational - it got me to thinking = exercise, fresh air, GAL- no downside.

[Rick1963]

Is sorry to hear that you are having a hard time, I been feeling same but I'm forcing myself to stop thinking about my sitch and the d. Have been calling friends and brother when I feel dispair it helps. .(((hugs)))

[jbnati]

I still of course want my family to be intact, but right now is the time to start doing the jb GAL program!! Believe it or not, I actually thought about you on my way to work this am. I think I'm going to buy a bike and start riding. Really. That is one of my goals for the next couple of weeks. I used to bike a lot years ago. I loved it. You are so inspirational - it got me to thinking = exercise, fresh air, GAL- no downside.

I like it!! I think I've just discovered group rides, too, BTW. Hopefully you can find something similar in your area if you can work up to it. Hey - GAL'ing can be something to look forward to, especially when another part of your life is going in the tank.

[Michael1]

I remember reading someone wrote on here one time that they hadn't read any stories that sounded like the sitch was so serious/bad that it was worth ending a R over. I really really really didn't know what to do --- One of her complaints is that I 'tried too hard'. She can't see that I was trying so hard to please her and make her happy. If I had not cared, I wouldn't have tried........ I'm trying to keep myself together, but I'm not doing well at all right now. Not well at all.

I got that too. I tried too hard. I used all her love up. I was really just trying to please her. She talks about arguments. We never had any until w started talking D. I'm not doing well at all either. Read my most from today. I just keep looking for hope and answers and there isn't any. I certainly can empathize with your sitch. There are so many on here that are similar in that there is really no good reason to end the r. Feeling sad, depressed and hopeless right now. Weekends are the best though because I spend them with the kids.

[Luckyclover]

*Nods at what everyone is saying*

I am also guilty of trying too hard to please my spouse. Funny now we end up with egg on our face following that program.

Shock, I hear you regarding the hate. I am trying very hard not to feel hate. At best, I'm acknowledging a small kernel of anger that I feel bubbling below the surface. I'm acknowledging it.. but I'm not going to let it command me. Even if I decide I don't want my H back (which is becoming more and more my outlook these days) I still want to be the "better choice". And to me that means conducting myself with grace, compassion and dignity.. if I can.

I don't want him to look back and say "Boy, she turned into a raging shrew when I left her. So glad I walked away from that!" No... no. I want him to say "Boy... she's so strong and conducts herself with such grace after all she's been through. I think I was a fool to walk away from that."

That! That is my goal!

Fight for your son! He is the most important thing in your life. You should be the primary parent. If nothing else.. surly 50/50 custody? In anycase.. you should fight for your rights as a parent. But I don't believe that means the way you interact with WAW should be hostile. Just because you are consulting a L and figuring out what to do doesn't mean you have to treat her with anger (altho' it's tempting)... just calmly explain your position.

Hard days ahead. GAL and stand tall.

[In_Shock]

thanks rick. I haven't had many friends, but I've found out that I had more than I thought. I just need to stop worrying and start doing....easier said than done when all i want is to crawl in a f*ing hole and pull it in over me.

[In_Shock]

michael -- like JB said, a lot of us did that whole trying too hard thing. It strikes me as kind of a silly reason to be angry at someone. I kinda wish for once someone would try too da** hard to please ME!! Know what I mean?

I was treating her the way I wanted to be treated. Cards, gifts, 'are you ok?' 'tell me about your day' and all that. When she wanted --- well, what???? She says an effortless emotional connection. Hel*s bells....Everyone I tell this to says ---- WHAT in the world did she mean??? I always say....IF i had known what she meant, i might have had a chance.......

Hang in there michael. I will go read your sitch and check on you. Yes, so many of us are in the same boat of Sh@@!!!! It's really sad for the kids.

[In_Shock]

lucky, my friend in the trenches of heartbreakville... I was speaking in haste this morning. I don't hate her. I do love her. I wish I could turn that off so it wouldn't hurt. I keep saying 25's --- forgiveness, it's your way out of he!!. over and over. This message board - a lifesaver for me. So many of us who unfortunately understand the pain, the loss, our lives turned upside down.... it's hard when family and friends think the answer to everything is just,as my nephew so bluntly said, " tell W to not let the door hit her a@@ on the way out!" They mean well. They love US. But WE want our family to stay intact..... it would be so much easier to be hateful and nasty. It's not my peronality. I don't think it's most of ours on this DB board. If anythig we're too accomodating.

Lucky, girl if you and I were closer in geography and had a way to get together, we could go out and take the kids to the park, GAL together~! You seem like a true, genuine good soul. As always I am rooting for you. And I watch your sitch with great interest b/c u seem to be a few days ahead of me....(bleahhhh) Take heart in knowing even though I don't personally know you, I do have you in my thoughts and several times a day I wonder about you and the little ones.

No, I have been nothing but nice and contrite to W. I'm at her mercy, and i do still love her and (for now) want things to work out with our family. As angry as I get, I then also start to blame myself for ..... what? Not being what she needed?? I dont' know.

Patience Patience Patience.