Back when the bomb was first dropped 4 years ago, I was blaming myself for everything. And someone wrote this to me. It was a great help. I just found it and thought I would pass it along.
The marriage was 50/50. The affair and/or wanting to end the marriage is 100% theirs. Nothing you are or did can CAUSE a person to lie or cheat. People have a choice in how they deal with problems in life and in relationships. For instance, if you have money problems, you can choose to get a better job, live cheaper, spend less or rob a bank at gun point.
By saying you were depressed, you are taking the blame for everything. Sorry, only half is you, the rest is your h’s. His choices, his reactions, his way of treating you all count. The marriage was half his job, not all yours. Your half is yours, his half is his. Good idea to fix your half by working on you, but make sure it's your half you are fixing – not his.
The affair is his. It is a decision he made in which he decided to take care of himself only – regardless of the pain it would cause you. It was HIS choice to solve problems in this way. He had other choices and did not take them….he robbed the bank at gun point. Not a great method of problem solving, but maybe the best he could do. Now he has to deal with that, Its not your fault. You didn’t make the decision for him. He did.
Taking responsibility is NOT the same as taking blame. Blame is about right and wrong and is based on the idea that we are in some way the CAUSE of others actions. We are NOT. Responsibility says, I am responsible for my actions and the consequences of my actions only. I do not and cannot control others; therefore their actions are not my fault or my responsibility. Other people are responsible for themselves. Let them be....it is healthy for them and for you.
Good post - was this posted here originally? [just have a sort of memory of it]
I think the point that it makes is very good. Sometimes, in DBing and taking responsibility for making necessary changes in ourselves, we can forget that the affair was their choice, and a poor one, to deal with a situation that they found intolerable.
This is not to be unforgiving. If someone hurts me I can forgive them. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions is very different from accepting blame.
I know 'life events' hurt and damaged my xh, but that instead of recognising this, and instead of doing something he just went on hurting, and being a victim. The people who come here are focused on moving on. Initially we come here to 'save' our marriage, but then we come to realise it is about saving ourselves.
Sad to say he still sees himself as a victim, still feels that others are mean to him. Looking at it objectively, nothing that happened to him is as bad as what he did to his children [and me]. But of course that is not how the MLCer sees it. They have very poor coping mechanisms, very little empathy, and very little self awareness. Their focus is on surviving, and they will do whatever it takes to survive.
If there is an OP it is actually a life raft, and usually a very poor one. But in their MLC madness they think they are saving someone else. Unable to fix themselves they latch on to another person, usually even more damaged and needy.
Beatrice - you hit the nail on the head! I was thinking about this yesterday while driving (which is where I ALWAYS do my thinking about this situation!) My XH has lost his ability to feel empathy for me or our kids - he is SO incredibly detached from the life we had built as a family. He has NO clue as to what it is like to raise a teen-age boy who is filled with anger. Yet this OW - she deserves all of his love, attention and kindness.
My D told me a story about a rare, but recent visit she had with her dad and OW. They attended a pro-sport event and thought it was funny that she borrowed a wheelchair so they could get better seats! My D was sickened - she had asked her dad to dinner and he said "no I made plans for me and OW to have a nice dinner out.".
His choices. Where do they come from? He is unrecognizable - but to be honest - his craziness is making it easier for me to move forward - slowly, but forward!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB all I can say to you is early days . . . . Feels like forever, but these guys are damaged goods, without even the ability to see it and get help.
The ones that do are rare; the ones that realise they have missed something good are rare. most of them play it out ot the bitter end, and it is bitter. I am seeing the end game now, and I would not want to be my xh. Whatever fun times he had with OW in the early days, he is starting, just starting to be dimly aware of the pain he caused others. Mostly he shuts it out and pretends all is well, when it so clearly isn't. I can see it getting harder and harder, and him wanting more and more contact with me and his kids. He doesn't seem to realise that nearly 6 years have gone by and we all have lives.
Beatrice, you just reminded me of a conversation i had with XH last winter. He told me to look at it as us taking a break. I replied:" You were gone for almost 2 yrs! A break? He looked at me with a confused look. It's like they have no notion of time. They're frozen and don't realize that life goes on for EVERYONE.WEIRD!
I think it is known as the Rip van Winkle effect. I often wonder if all those fairy stories about people [usually men] going off with the fairies and coming back, they think a short while later, to find everyone else grown old, weren't based on MLC!
A lot of fairy stories are based on life changing events, after all.
