Living with your Ex

[soccerwife]

Ok, I am not D'd but my husband is pushing harder and harder in that direction. I made a suggestion to him out of despiration that just may work - I suggested that after D, if that is the route he chooses, we continue to live together because neither of us is willing to give up time with the kids.

He was surprisingly agreeable to the idea. As I see it, this senario gives me unlimited, constant chances to DB.

I know, however, there are a lot of things to consider. I would like to hear some of your thougts on the matter.

If you are currently living with an Ex, tell us what works and what doesn't. I want to know the good, bad, and ugly. If you are alos using co-habitation as a DB strategy, tell me more.

For everyone esle interested or concerned, please post your cemments.

[soccerwife]

A few Ground rules I am considering:

1. no dating for the first year while D'd and still living together.

2. After 1 year, dating will be allowed by either spouse but OP will not be allowed in the house or at familyl functions.

3. House work considerations? do chores continue as they always have?

4. financial considerations? I don't even know where to start here, I would guess the D mediator would have to be involved in this one and the goal would be to be completely financially seperate by a certain date.

5. rotating weeks where the kids are the sole responsibility of one parent. for example, from Monday morning through Sunday night the kids will be under the care and supervision of one parent and the other can come and go as they please without notification. The parent in charge must make provisions if they have any plans not involving the children during their week. They cannot expect the "free" parent to do anything during their week off. Conversely, the free parent may do things with the kids during their week off as long as the parent in charge did not have plans specifically for the kids.

6. the parents must continue to agree on all things relating to raising the kids.

[soccerwife]

Obviously, the reason I am willing to co-habitate is that it give me much more time to DB and I don't have to give up time with my kids. I don't see how I am losing here.

From my spouse's POV, he also doesn't have to give up time with the kids and he is saving financially (actually that is TBD through D mediation).

However, I fail to see how living together after D is any different than living together while DB'ing. I can't expect anything from my spouse in the M right now anyway. And he thinks he is so miserable being married, why is he willing to continue living with me indefinately? In my persanl sitch, we are already completely financially separate in M. We even file taxes separately. I am confused about his motivation. he claims he isn't interested in dating at the moment (I don't know if I trust that or not.)

[aeolianchaos]

I can't imagine doing that. But I don't have kids, and I'm not in your situation.

I think there are benefits to either.

DBing is about changing yourself. That could be harder to do with him around every day. Especially at first, you might need that space for some 'pain time.' Might be easier w/ a little less face time.

Did your coach talk w/ you about this?

I'm no lawyer, but you should figure that whatever occurs, PA law has a 90 day period after both parties have signed paperwork.

Either way, meet with a L. and make sure that you and your kid's rights are being protected.

People can do some pretty underhanded things - so keep DBing, but make sure that you are going to be OK legally.

[soccerwife]

I imagine the laws are different in each state about living together after D. I have read places that if you live under the same roof after D, the financial aspects change. For instance, no allimony payments while living together.

I only briefly mentioned this to my DB coach and she suggested that I not provide any details, I should be as vague as possible, let H do ALL of the work, come to me to initiate conversations and present ideas. That is hard because he gets angry and thinks I don't care about his feelings when I don't want to participate in his plans for D (rock and a hard place).

You are right though, that no decisions should be made without consulting a L to find out what the options/rights are.

[InAPickle]

I'm living (co-habitating)with XW
She didn't seek alimony (guilt).
But in Fla there is no child support until we seperate.
Also we don't decide on the household items until sep.
It's not real comfortible for either party.
Of course the kids are okay with it.

pic.

[InAPickle]

Forgot to mention:
XW's OM lives in Ohio, and we are in FLA.
She goes to visit him (he's married BTW)
But if he ever shows up in Jax the co-habitating if over.
Screw that !

[25yearsmlc]

Pickle

For now, I Just wanted to answer your questions about the workshop I was referring to elsewhere. I am a bit hesitant to post about it here, b/c I don't want to sound like an advertisement for them.
& BTW, No, I do not get paid or compensated in any way for talking about it or getting someone to go, or anything like that.

Anyway, It's called "Essential Experience" and I think the original founder was David Crump. I think the present conductor is Eric Hoffman.

Essential Experience, or "EE", is a personal growth workshop. It's designed for those who are ready to SEE their life in a fresh way, to CHANGE their life where desired, to Gain Clarity about their life's direction, and to live a life of intention. [b]And from all this hard work, will come a peace & clarity within probably previously unknown in your life.

Essential Experience ("EE") is Not EST or Landmark or a "new religion" or any other...therapy thing or group.

You just need to look them up on their website and see what you think.

But I know enough of your sitch to tell you this, it'll help YOU - A LOT.
[b]No one can attend this, and NOT be changed. But you have to go for YOU...your w will see the changes i you and that's where teh value lies. The changs in you. I never expected my h to go just b/c I went. I went for ME...but heck, after he saw me get off the plane he said "something was different about you, 25"...and he was right. And like I said, we were in a great place then. HE had no "reason" to go. I was wrong of course. We had no idea how much closer we could get and we never had the tools for getting there, til EE. H told me that his going was the "best gift h had ever gotten in his life."...dang...this is not a man who is touchy feely about things. Only goes to T b/c I dragged him...but EE...he loved it.

Unlike many personal growth workshops, EE does NOT press you to recruit others, or sell, or...whatever. It's not a cult. There are no "followers". It's not nutty.

And the costs of it are cheaper than other workshops, AND cheaper than that many hours of therapy are, and it's more "efficient" than therapy.
See, here's the thing Pickle.

When I went to see my T, whom I adored, and deeply valued...sometimes I would make a breakthrough. Maybe a serious insight--sometimes leading to tears-- or I had a lightbulb moment, some big deal would happen for me in therapy... and then...oops, gotta go back to work, or pick the kids up and blah blah blah -- real life interrupted my looking at my life. It was so...slow...

But EE isn't like that. You get the work DONE. You leave with an action plan. You can have and give follow up support if you want it (free).

They have a website under "Essential Experience". Obviously I recommend it.
I know your sitch (and will comment later on it)

Despite the difficulties you face, I promise you that you will come out of EE with some clarity, peace, and yes, even some joy.

That's how highly I think of it, and how ready I think you are to take charge of your life. (Not everyone is).

((( )))

ps
I swear---I swear I don't get a kick back!!

[InAPickle]

Thanks 25.
I was curious.