Welcome to the boards. I am sorry that you have found yourself here.
Reading your posts, reminded me very much of the beginning of my own situation. Especially the part about being great friends, hanging out, etc...
Only do what you can handle emotionally.
My STBX, told me he would probably call me every night for hours after he moved out, even though he couldn't talk to me living in the house. He still invites me to family functions and it took him 3 years to tell the first person in his family and 4 years to finally tell the last one. My family knew right from the start. However, it was his family and I believed that he needed to be the one to share the news.
When I decided it was time to go dark, I responded to contact but I didn't initiate unless it was regarding S. That had nothing to do with him or his reaction and was entirely about me needing to detatch to get my head back together.
I know his moving is scary.
It may seem like a bad thing, but it doesn't have to be.
Please don't be surprised if you also find it a bit of a relief after a little time has passes. The stress level changes and becomes more managable. And then you become comfortable.
The stages are guidelines and the timelines are not accurate, so please don't get too hung up on that part of it.
This is something that takes time, and time really is your friend.
Be patient with yourself this weekend and in the weeks to come, keep posting, there is great support around here, although it can be a little slow at times, and be the best mom you can to your boys. You set the example for them right now.
Read what you can about MLC, relationships, depression, communication styles...There is no right or wrong in when you read what. Down the road, you may revisit things and they will make more sense then. Also, read something NOT related to relationships. We all need a break from time to time.
I've been around the boards a long time (I had a different posting name for a while) and I won't get into the gory details of my sitch, they are here if you feel like looking for them, but I can tell you, DB works. It works in our lives in ways that are hard to imagine at first. It doesn't always reconcile the M, but it works as a great way to live and be. So try not to get discouraged if you don't see the "results" you are looking for right away...
Especially with MLC, there are no guarantees.
Keep posting, others will be around...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat gave you good advice about going dark. You will see how it goes and can adjust if necessary.
The main point is to stop all of YOUR pursuit of him. Whether you withdraw or not is up to how he reacts. Being DARK/NC is to protect YOU not as punishment for him. Another words sometimes it is OK just to be STILL.
As far as the book go I bumped up the thread but here is the link that has most of the books I have read.
My H moved out yesterday. This feels surreal. I cannot believe this is my life right now. My youngest son is devastated. I have not been in communication with H. He left a voice mail today that said he had a miserable night and could not sleep. I know I cannot be in communication with him and am determined to follow through on going dark. I cannot get over the impact this will have on our family, and why he cannot see this is beyond me. H wanted youngest son, the only one at home now, to go shopping to pick out stuff for a room at his new place. My son wants nothing to do with this. Do I encourage him to work with his Dad? I don't want to. I want H to be miserable and lonely and feel isolated from "us". I know I need to have minimal contact with H now, and that somehow feels good. I am so glad my son who is home has a nice girlfriend. She has been a good comfort for him. I do not want our three boys to suffer from our ineptitide at a healthy relationship. They deserve more.
My children were devastated too. You do not say how old they are, but if they are adult - 18+ try and leave them to work through their r with their father and stay out of it unless your children want to talk to you. Encourage politeness and honesty, and also gratitude for anything your h does. Do not insist on it though!
Do not get involved if your h tries to enlist you however. This is an important boundary imo
I told my kids as much about MLC as I thought they could deal with. If they want to talk to you about their father that is fine, listen, validate etc in other words DB if asked. Otherwise encourage good relations as much as you can and leave it at that.
It is very hard to see our children hurt and I was very resentful. I think it is positive that your h wants to include your son, as well as very unrealistic! They will all need to find their own way, and it has been different for each of mine.
Most MLCers find ways of upsetting their kids, sadly. It is rare ones that stay nice to their children throughout, especilly if they do not do and say what the MLCer wants.
You sound like a very focused and positive person.
I am so so sorry. I remember the feelings that you have now so vividly. My heart is breaking for you....and your kids.
In my opinion, your sons are old enough to decide what they want to do and what kind of relationship they want with their dad. I made the mistake, several times, of trying to encourage my kids to see their dad, fix things with their dad, etc. It took two counselors and my own kids for me to realize that I was jeopardizing my relationship with them by trying to help. The counselors told me that it is not my relationship to fix. Don't get involved, but don't be a barrier. It had been very hard at times these last couple of years to practice this, but it truly has been for the best.
I agree with Beatrice as far as encouraging politeness and honesty. You would expect that from your children towards any adult. This was also challenging at times because I was usually met with the response that he wasn't the same towards them. And he wasn't. Beatrice is right that it is rare that an MLCer focuses on their kids. I still shake my head in amazement about some of the things that my XH said to my kids. But you can't stop that....you can't prevent that. All you can do is be there for the kids to listen.
Unlike Beatrice, I have not talked to my kids about MLC. I can't give you a specific reason why I didn't, but I will tell you that I kept many, many things from them. I have been advised by many well meaning people to not hide as much. But I am convinced that they are the ones that would be hurt. I went through this with my parents and I was 21 at the time. I knew too much and I wish I didn't.
I think you are right in going dark because I think it is right for you.... You need this to find your footing, to be there for your kids. I can imagine right now that you are desperate to save your marriage. But please know that DBing is about saving you. It took me reading the book several times to realize that. And while it is very hard because you want to save your marriage, you need to put that on the back burner and focus on your kids and you. And, as a mother, my guess is that you don't focus on you to the degree that you should.
I know that you are probably in a state of disbelief right now. Continue to come here and post. The people on these boards are amazing and helped me so much. I also vented here instead of to XH. Look at other people's posts and comment - it will lead to more traffic and more posts to your situation...meaning more support for you.
Thank you for your response. For what ever reason, I think my H thought this would all go very smoothly and without a lot of emotional angst. He called my best friend today, they are also couple friends of ours, my H wanted to talk with them about our situation. My friend could not meet today or tomorrow with H. (I am thankful actually) I don't know what to make of this. My friend said she thought he sounded lonely. I know what all of you out there in DB cyberspace are thinking right now, that I need to stop worrying about him, and start worrying about myself.
One thing that continues to nag at me about the DB concepts is that this is really for me and not for my H or my marriage. I have to admit that I have not fully embraced this. I want to, but my primary motive still feels like I am doing this to save my marriage. Does it just take awhile to get beyond the marriage focus? There is a consistent message throughout this board that it is all about fixing yourself and not about fixing the marriage. And I get that in theory. I am having difficulty getting the focus off my marriage and on to me.
I think it is JJ who said he started to focus on the KLA information to help him understand the changes he needed to make. Do you reccomend that I do the same? I don't know anything about the KLA focus.
I do believe that if my H and I survive this we will emerge as a better couple. But what is still hard for me to comprehend, is that I did not think anything was bad about our marriage the way that it was. My three sons have told me the same thing. When we told our 3 boys that we were separating, our youngest who is 17 said, "I feel like a fool, because I did not know anything bad was going on here." I think that is because there is nothing bad going on here.
Can a MLCer see a marriage through their lense inaccurately? Maybe I am trying to find a blame for this.......I know how important it is to own my part of it, but I don't know what part of it to own.
I am only 2 days into this separation thing, but I actually do feel some relief. I am not sure for what I should attribute this.
I wonder why so many of the DB principles are so counter intuitive. I am sorry, but I would love to punish my husband right now with going dark. He should feel like heck. He deserves it. I don't want to protect myself as much as I want him to suffer from this agony he is causing me and our family.
I see him right now as this self absorbed, narcissistic person, who can't get out of his own way, to get back to the "butterfly" stage of a relationship. And it is all absurd in my opinion. How selfish can you get...... to put your three boys and me through this torture, so he can "feel" more in love? How selfish is that??? My anger is coming out, and yes, I do feel angry. The four people who love him the most in this world do not deserve this. I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled brat. Arghhhhhhh. having a bad day on this end.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I appreciate it very much. You have some good comments about the situation with our boys and my WAH. My sons are 17,20 and 21.
I have talked a bit about the MLC with them. My H was diagnosed with prostate cancer three years ago. He is doing ok after his surgery. But then a year after his diagnosis, his brother died of kidney cancer. We are also getting close to being empty nesters. There are a lot of triggers for him for the MLC. I know that mortality issues are playing into his state of mind. He talks alot about it.
Thankfully he does not seem to be taking it out on our boys, excpet to bail on them and leave home. He is hoping they will all be a part of his "new life". I believe he really would like this all to be very groovy, open minded, new "arrangement" but life goes on kind of thing. It makes me sick to my stomach. Do I have to be friends with him right now? I want to be his friend, but only if I am also his wife. I think this all sounds very immature of me, but it is what I feel right now.
Thank you for reaching out to me. Your line about "don't get involved, but don't be a barrier" rings true for me. I am amazed at the comments about a MLCer not being focused on their kids. I think my H's focus on his kids vindicate him a bit and make him feel like he is still a good person and kind and loving. He DOES NOT WANT to look like the bad guy in all of this. He has even expressed this to me. He has said that he wants our circle of friends to view us as the most civil, respectful divorce they have ever seen. Such a noble goal huh???
MLCers are idiots. Totally nuts. Some are nice about it, if you call walking out on your family nice, in that they don't spew venom and blame. I was demonized, which was grim.
It really is a rollercoaster ride, and it is about them, not you or anything you did, except be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
MLCers often try and wrong foot the lbs by being oh so reasonable, except that it isn't reasonable to walk out. You do not have to stamp and rage, [although you likely want to at times] but you can say this is not what you want, and not argue.
Your h will rush off into the sunset, and in time it will all come crashing around his ears. Seen it so many times. But it really is their journey.
You sound nice, grounded, and essentially strong. You will be OK but your h won't. Hard to believe now but that is the truth.
