Time For Change

[DCSUK]

Thanks for the support

I am very lucky and thankful for what I have

I'm trying to learn everyday from mistakes I've made in the past, and trying to be the person I want to be

I hope also that I can make a success of my marriage, I love my wife more everyday

[DCSUK]

Had a good day yesterday.

My wife took our daughter and her nephew to a local theme park, our son didn't want to go and stayed at home.

She called me loads of times during the day telling what they were up to and sending me pictures of our daughter enjoying herself.

I sent her a text after one photo, saying that she look gorgeous, and she must take after her mother!

I had arranged to have have the kids later while she went to the gym, when I went to pick them up, they were excited to see me, jumping on me etc, I said to my wife, just to let me know when to dop them back off, she was fine, and was telling me about the day, etc.

I took them for something to eat, then went back to mine, it was great, we watched TV, then they want to watch a movie.
My wife called a while later saying she was home, and they could be dropped off at anytime, I told her they were watching a movie, and could it be a bit later around 10ish?, she was fine, as long as they are no trouble for you!

The kids loved it, and again didnt want to go home!!
But when the film finished we went back, my wife was on the phone when we got there, so I just kids and cuddled the kids, waved to her and left.

5 minutes later she called to say where I was?, I said you were on the phone, I waved and left, she said she thought I was going to hang around and talk to her for a bit??

I just apologised, said she looked busy and left, everything was fine, and we both said nite.

Why would she want me to hang around and talk, we are suppose to be getting divorced??
She seemed a little upset, but I did'nt offer to go back, no real reason to really?

We are really getting on well, and I am happy with everything, but its harder to stay detached, when we are getting closer??

Other than holding her and kissing her, we are doing everything a family does, apart from living together!!!

We talk, we laugh, she pokes jokes at me, we are getting on great, and thats the hardest thing!!!
There is no arguing, no hate, but its like i'm being DB'd as I'm getting drawn closer to her!!!

I just hope and pray that she is finding it tough as well, and maybe the ice can be melted!!!!

Thanks for listening

[DCSUK]

Yesterday was a good day, and in parts great!

I didn't hear a great deal from my wife during the day as she was with the kids, but I got a few calls and texts, telling me how the dentist had went and what clothes my daughter wanted me to buy her!!!!

I finished work and went to the gym, I got out early as I had my second AA meeting.

When I left I had a missed call from my wife, I called her back, and she was asking if I could drop our son off at football, but it was fine as she had already left with him.

I said I would meet them there as it was on my way home, and I would stay a small while.

I got there and was talking to other parents, everyone was commenting on my weight loss and my toned chest!!!!felt great!!!

At that my wife pulled up, usually she would just drop off our son, wave, and drive off, but she pulled up right next to me smiling, she was really relaxed and nice, we chatted about the kids, my daughter was in the car showing me her sweets she had bought, my wife then got somemore and gave them to me, saying she knows I like them!!!!, this seems quite trivial to you guys, but was a big gesture to me and a big turnaround!!

She was asking about my meeting and asked me to call her when it was over, I agreed and she left waving.

As I walked over to another parent, a mother, who knows what's going on between us, and is a good friend to us both, she asked me with a smile on her face what was going on between me and my wife?
I said nothing why, she said that she hadn't seen us like that for over a year, and thought we were back together!!!!, I just said that we were getting on great and I was hopeful, but not getting carried away!!

I went home, got changed and went to my meeting, it was great, I just sat and listened and related to everyones story, I had bits of everyone elses issues in me and could really understand a lot of my issues.

I came away and rang my wife, she was full of questions again, what was said , did I say anything, how did I feel, etc.
We spoke as I drove, and she asked me was I coming over the house, I asked did she want me to, she said there was no real reason, so I just said I speak to the kids.
My son came on the phone telling about football, etc, then asked was I coming over, not sure if she had told him I was??, when I asked did he want me to, he said yes he wanted a cuddle, so I told him to tell his mum I was coming over to give him the cuddle he wanted, I did'nt want to seem pushy.

I got there and both kids ran to the door and were cuddling me and kissing me, they only saw me the night before!!!, I was laughing with them, my wife was busy doing things in the house, she was coming to talk for a while then left us to it.

I was there about 20minutes, the kids were telling me they loved me etc, as I was about to leave my wifes phone rang, and she said she had to take it, I said fine, speak to you tommorrow, kissed the kids and left.

I live about 10mins away, as I got home I heard the phone ringing, but it stopped by the time I got in, I knew exactly who it was, as only she has my home number!!!

I didn't call her back and just continued to make something to eat, 5mins later it rang again, I answered and she was full of apologies for the phone call she took when I was there, tellin me it was her aunt and she had to take it, I was totally fine about it, told her not to worry and forget it.
She said that out daughter had told her off for going on the phone when I was there and she should have been talking to me!!!, we both laughed, she said that our daughter would now swap her for me anyday of the week and laughed about it.

I told her that I am so grateful for having my kids back, I had lost them through my own actions, my daughter hated me, didn't want to be next to me, and it was all through drink and my moods in drink, and that I can see how upset I had made her and my son, and that I would never do that again.

My wife then said right out the blue, that she was still hurt by the things I had done, that she still had strong memories of things I had done and the hurt I had caused.

I told her I know exactly what I have done, I know exactly the hurt I had caused and that I was so sorry, and that I promise to never drink or hurt her again.

I said she was right to leave me, that I was somebody else during that 5-6 year period, that I was embarrassed by the things I had done, and know the hurt I had caused.

I said I didn't think, as there was so much hurt, that we had a future together, but promised I would always love her, and never do anything to hurt her again.

She said that I didn't know how much she loved me, and again mentioned the AA meetings she attended to try and get help for me.
I thanked her for everything she did, and again told her that I was sorry, and that I promise never to drink or hurt her again, I told her she was the love of my life, we had loved each other from being 16, and that I missed my best friend, but loved the fact we could talk on the phone and that I could her her laugh.

This was really powerful, emotional stuff, our daughter was messing about in the background, so I just told her to go and sort things out with the kids, and that I would speak to her the following day.

This was a serious 1hour long conversation about the past, the hurt, her feelings, she never got angry, but she is hurting still.
I get the feeling she wants us all back together, but is scared, scared of me slipping into my old ways, and scared of being hurt and the kids being hurt again.

I just have to maintain these changes in my life, my thinking and my emotions.

I am a happy person now, not the tired, moody, miserable, drink dependant person I was.

So what do I do now?

Do I back off again, and give her space?
Or do I pursue and try and heal her wounds??

All very confusing, so for now I shut up and do nothing!!!!

Thanks for listening

[ncl]

No pursuing, No R talk, as tempting as it is since things are going well! I assume she knows you want to reconcile? If so, I suggest you stay the course you are on. She's noticing the positive changes in you (much better than you trying to point them out to her...that's no good!), and you are getting along well and spending quality family time together. She's definitely still invested in this relationship based on what you've written. The best thing you can do is remain consistent. Time is on your side! Let her come around in her time. I'm so happy for you that things are going so well and that you are remaining strong and healthy!

[DCSUK]

Thanks for the reply

Yes, she does know I want to be back together, we spoke about it over the weekend!!

We were talking in general, mainly about how well I felt and how happy the kids were to be with me.

She said she had been talking to a drink/drugs councellor friend of hers about me and my changes?
She said that she said, it would get hard for me as I will find a lot of clarity in what I have done, and it sometimes hurts people to understand how much hurt they have caused.

I agreed totally, I said that I knew how much I had hurt her, and that I was truely sorry, but I told her the main thing I now see is that I want her back, that I'm really good, but I had a hole inside me that was through the loss of her.
I told her I was fine, but I missed her.

She just listened and never dismissed anything, we get on really well!!!

We spoke all weekend as I had the kids, but we spoke not just about them!

On Saturday night she was out with her sister, and she asked me to call her while she was out regarding the kids, if they were ok, etc??, She knew they were fine, so I was a bit confused to be truthfull.

I called her about 9ish, and she was all, have they been good for you, what are you up to, etc, then after a while she spoke to the kids and hung up

She did'nt need the call, so why??

I didn't make an issue about it, but why??

I took the kids home yesterday, and she was all smiles and "how are you", asking about what I was wearing etc, all really nice and friendly

I'm now backing off completely, we are getting on so well, I think I'm getting too carried away, and too hopefull!!!

Its took me a long time to get here and I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again by getting my hope up only to be let down.

So, no contact, until she calls me.

Its been like a light being turned on, I love her and I want her back!!!!

So I need to look after me, back off!!!!!!!
I need to back off!!!

[DCSUK]

So here is an update!!

Never heard from wife all day, no problem.

I got home from work, and got ready to go to the gym, as i was leaving I noticed I had the kids school ties still at mine, and I knew they were back at school the next day so I took them.

I went to the gym, and when I came out I called wife to see if she needed the ties?
She had totally overlooked them and was thankfull I had them and I dropped them off, we spoke as I dropped them off, madea joke or two, we laughed and I went.

I get home, have some food, shower, then watched TV, legs were killing me!!!

Then the calls started!
My daughter had and argument with my wife, she is 9!!, and she called to ask if she could stay with me!!!, I said no I had work and be friends with mum.

Then my son called, why hadn't I called yet??, I said I was going to, but he beat me to it!!!, we spoke about school and things then we said bye.

then my wife called, firstly we were laughing about our daughter having a tantrum, and my wife knew about the call, then it was all about me again!!!

She was asking about if I'd had a drink, and how I felt etc
I told her I was never going to drink again, I will not let this beat me, I told her I knew how happy I was not drinking, how good I felt not drinking, and that my confidence was sky high through not drinking and going to the gym, I felt good, and the weight was dropping off me, I told her I had let my self go with weight, and I was not going back there.

She then said that I don't want to lose anymore than I have, so she must have noticed!!!, but around 30Lbs in 4 weeks takes some missing!!, and that she was really happy for me.

She then said that someday I might thank her for us spliting up, so I told her I thank her now, that I have my whole life in front of me, I'm doing well, and that I had to hit rock bottom to get her, and without her leaving I wouldn't be here feeling like I do now.

I was a better father and person because of it, she agreed.

Then we were talking about the weekend past, what did me and the kids get up to, etc, I was telling her how good the kids were while i was cleaning the apartment, she asked, you cleaning??, I said yes why, she said it was a pity that I didn't do more around the house when we were together, we lived in a big house and it was hard work for her, I said that the difference is I'm not hungover on a weekend now, and not having a beer by lunchtime, so I feel good, and just get it done!!!

She was then talking about how I help so much more now with the kids, and me having them 3 nights, gives her more time to get ready for work the next day, instead of her running around doing everything.

I just apologised and said that I will be the best father my kids could ever want, and want to be more involved in their school and things, rather than me just going to work.

We spoke some more about various things, all good, them my daughter started to shout her so she went.

My initial thoughts when I put the phone down was really positive, then I thought about things.

We speak daily about me and the past, the hurt I caused and upset I made.
While I'm thinking that is she venting and I'm validating, and she is trying to slowly come to terms that I'm changing for the future and not just now, is she really just justifing her decision to leave, telling me the hurt, and trying in her way to tell me that its over???

But she doesn't have to tell me really, her decision to leave says that???

I'm very confused?

I back off, and she comes to me, but the talk is all about the past and the hurt I caused?

After the call I sent her a text saying that her leaving me was the best thing to happen to me as it gave me back my life, but it was also the hardest as I had lost my best friend.

That is exactly how it is!!!

But although she makes loads of contact and we talk, and its great, there is nothing about "us", it might come in time, I don't know??, but i'm getting scared of getting close again, and then getting hurt, maybe she is in the same place??

[DCSUK]

Spoke to the kids last night to find out how school went, both very excited!!

Wife came on the phone, we spoke about the kids, funny stories etc, then we were talking about what nights who had them, and could I have them an extra night to help her out with a work thing, no problems.

She then said that she hoped that this help I was giving her wouldn't be thrown in her face in the future?
That I had done things similar in the past.

I apologised, and said things were different, if I did I was sorry, but they were drunken rants in anger, and that I would never hurt her again.

She said, she hoped so, but I was a volatile person who could blow at anytime.
That we get on for a while, and just when she "is letting her defences down", I do something to hurt her again.

I again apologised and said that I would do nothing to hurt her and the kids ever again, that I was feeling really happy and good in myself, and that I just want them to be happy.

We ended the call, all polite and friendly.

She is basically telling me that she hasn't let me get close in the past 12 months we have been apart because I keep screwing up!!
We get on fine, she see's a light/change, then I do something in anger, hurt her, and its back to the start!!!

The difference here is, I now want to really change, I want to/have stopped drinking, I want to be happier, I don't want to fight, and I know how much I love my wife and children!!!

If I want to have any chance of having any of that back in my life, I need to maintain my changes, take ownership of my changes, and CHANGE!!!

Its that simple, she is telling me what to do, and I think she wants me to do it also, so now its up to me.

Thanks

[DCSUK]

It's 8.30am here.

When the kids are at school, every morning I don't have the kids I text my wife with "are the kids ok", and I get a " yes, fine" back.

It works for me, no real contact, but I know they are ok and gone to school.

So this morning I text " are the kids ok", expecting the usual back, but instead she phones me!, starts telling me how our son is fine and really seems older, he's 12, doing his hair etc, but our little girl, was tired, and was having a tantrum, and venting against my wife, we were both laughing about her, we spoke about me picking them up from school later, then she had to go as she was entering work.

I know this is going to sound totally stupid, but it feels like we are a family again, this is what happened when we were together and things were great?, I wold call her on a morning after she had took the kids to school, we would talk about them, etc, then go to work??

I am speaking to her more than ever, I cannot believe how relaxed we both seem talking to each other, there is no awkwardness, or hurtful remarks.

We are getting on so so well, its scary!!

We spoke last night until around 9.30, then this morning at 8.30, both conversations didn't really need to happen, and 6 weeks ago it would have just been a text??

Again I'm getting hopeful, I'm excited about the future and the changes I am making and the reactions I'm getting.
But again when I calm down I get scared that I'm heading for another fall!!!!!

I just come on here to vent, to journal, to get things off my chest.

I love my wife and family SOOO much, I've messed up, but there is a light, its very dim, and might not actualy be a light, but calls like that from her give me hope, we talk, we laugh, she sounds happy.

I'm happier than I have been in a very long time, years even.

I don't drink, I feel fit, I look healthy, and I speak to me kids and best friend every day.

I just wish I could be with them.

Thanks

[ncl]

You are doing SO well! Don't let yourself get scared...just keep going forward and stay consistent with the positive changes you have made and are making. It's positively affecting every aspect of your life and the lives of your loved ones. You are doing an awesome job at DB'ing. Hold on to that ray of light that is giving you hope...it will continue to get brighter every day in your life!

Know that I support you and am hoping for great things to continue happening!

[aeolianchaos]

DC,

It sounds like things are positive for you at this time.

You have really good interactions.

Is it possible that your wife is trying to express some things to you that she didn't feel like she could express while you were drinking?

One precaution - using absolutes in language can be a little risky if the long term goal is to rekindle the relationship. Inevitably, conflict exists in any relationship and it is those closest to us who often hurt us the worst.

It would be a shame if you set up unrealistic expectations about what a relationship in the future with you would look like, via the use of words like "never" or "always"

Keep up the good work!