I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[NTX_Dad]

My wife became distant back in the spring and finally gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and said she wanted a separation. I immediately went into crisis mode trying to figure out what went wrong and started individual therapy. I have been going weekly since and was working to make myself better.

The therapist always told me that separation was a bad idea and a last resort, so we stayed in the home together and tried to minimize contact. It was difficult though and a lot of the times, we ended up eating together and doing things together as a family.

In July, she went to MC with me 2-3 times and things appeared to be getting better. We had a few dates, started holding hands again occasionally, and she invited me back into our bedroom to sleep.

A few weeks later she became more distant than ever... and about the same time I found a message she sent our divorcing friend that looked really suspicious. She tried to explain it as being good friends and I was able to find just enough doubt to let it go.

However, a week later she filed for D. She told me she always wanted the separation and that this was a way to make sure it happens. She said after she moves out and we have temporary orders, we can put the divorce on hold to see what happens.

I thought it was a great idea and I continued to GAL and read here often clinging to hope.

Yesterday I started thinking about my story and others on here and began to wonder if it was really worth it. If my wife is checked out and at this point, I wondered if she'll even come back. Would it be prolonging the pain? Do I deserve this? If she really cared about my daughter and I, would she do this?

I've also always wondering about an affair with the family friend. They always seemed drawn to each other in conversation, she's super nice this his kids... sometimes even nicer than she is to ours. And coincidentally, the ILYBNILWY speech came about a week after they announced their divorce. There was lots of texting, password locking her phone, etc. She always had explanations for it.

Finally last night I decided I need to know for sure, and discovered a way to snoop on the text messages. I am not proud of it, but it did expose the affair.

So now I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I can tell her that I know, I am not sure the way I got the information was legal. She has an attorney but I don't have one yet. I am meeting with one next week.

I love her but now that I know about this betrayal, I am all confused.

And there's another dimension. She has become pretty good friends with his stbx and now that I know about the affair, I wonder if she's betraying the stbx and giving him information. I am wondering if I should tell her. She may not believe me and tell my wife what I said.

I hate this. I am so confused.

[jbnati]

NSD - Man, I am so sorry to hear about your discovery.

Does this change your DB strategy at all? You mentioned you were GAL'ing before this discovery. Do you still plan to do that?

I think you are in the position where you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and honestly say you did everything to save the M. You want to be able to look your D in the eye someday and tell her the same.

It sounds like you found out what you needed to know or didn't want to know by snooping. You probably don't need to continue the snooping. It's not going to make you feel any better at this point.

It'll be your call on how you decide to approach the A. Unless you have the hard evidence or your W admits, don't expect the truth from her. You already know she's been dishonest with you. It's good you are meeting with a L next week. Get as much information as you can.

Hang in there, man.

[NTX_Dad]

Thanks JB -

It's been a crazy weekend. We talked openly on two occasions and she admitted to inappropriate texts but denied a PA.

She had a big crying break down for an hour and seemed to be the most honest she's been in months. We both still love each other and I think we made a little progress, but I am not sure if it's enough to stop our failing marriage. We left things up in the air and will probably talk more tonight but I think she's still planning on moving out next week.

As far as me GAL'ing, etc, I have to keep doing it for myself. It's going to be hard, I have really neglected myself the past 3-5 years. Right now I have few friends and no hobbies.

[NTX_Dad]

After I posted my message above yesterday afternoon, she emailed me asking for help choosing her electric provider for her new apartment. LOL!

Last night she seemed angry about being caught and asked a lot of questions about how I found out. I didn't reveal much and we both went to bed frustrated.

This morning I got up at 5am and she was already up with folded laundry everywhere. I asked her what was going on and she said she had been up since 2am because she couldn't sleep. I asked why she couldn't sleep and she said her body is shutting down because of the guilt. I asked her what guilt and she replied "the guilt about what you found out". I just replied "oh" and went back upstairs.

She looked really bad... she looked very skinny, her face was sunken in and her eyes were very baggy. It's hard to not feel sorry for her. Something is very wrong with her. All of this behavior all summer is all over the board and she changes daily.

But the fact remains... she's really hurt me and I have to start detaching and protecting myself. It's very hard and goes against my nature, but I am not sure what to do.

[NTX_Dad]

Crazy week. Too much to tell, except one important part.

My wife found out the other day that I read her text messages. She was extremely irate. When I got home she met me in the garage and yelled at me like never before. Eventually she started punching me in the chest and yelling about past random disagreements from our past. She probably hit me over 30 times.

15 minutes later we were talking calming in the bedroom and even laughing some.

We've never yelled at each other that loudly over our 18 years, so this was a total shock to me. My Ws sudden mood changes and the extreme rage makes me think she has something clinical going on. I am not sure what to do.... if I tell her that, she will be even more distant.

Man this is crazy stuff!

[NTX_Dad]

It's been a crazy week. My W had a melt down the other evening and actually punched me several times in the chest while yelling out things from past arguments over the years. We've never shouted at each other and certainly never punched. I just let her go thinking it was getting the poison out.

She's still planning on moving out next week but invited me out for a dinner date this weekend.

[jbnati]

NSD - It sounds like your W is exhibiting the WAW behavior we've become accustomed to around here. She's thinking irrationally. She is cycling between pulling you in and pushing you away.

I think at this point it's best if you continue to work on yourself. GAL. Be there for your daughter. Detach from your W's emotions and try to stay off her emotional roller coaster.

[NTX_Dad]

Thanks jb, I'll try.

We just had a great weekend and even made love on Friday night for the first time since spring. Last night we went out to a nice dinner and to listen to some live music.

She just left to go buy stuff for her new apartment. She is still planning on moving out this coming Wednesday. : (

Since she's still here and we had a great weekend, I still have faint hope she'll abort her moving plans at the last minute... but on the other hand, it seems unlikely.

[ncl]

It's been a crazy week. My W had a melt down the other evening and actually punched me several times in the chest while yelling out things from past arguments over the years. We've never shouted at each other and certainly never punched. I just let her go thinking it was getting the poison out.

She's still planning on moving out next week but invited me out for a dinner date this weekend.

It's one thing for her to get her frustrations out in a healthy way; it's another thing completely that she punched you in the process. I suggest you establish some boundaries with her. That's just unacceptable behavior and does more harm than good. Just my 2 cents worth....

I hope otherwise things are going as good as can be expected. Take care, lc4

[NTX_Dad]

It's one thing for her to get her frustrations out in a healthy way; it's another thing completely that she punched you in the process. I suggest you establish some boundaries with her. That's just unacceptable behavior and does more harm than good. Just my 2 cents worth....

I hope otherwise things are going as good as can be expected. Take care, lc4

I agree. I've had some time to reflect and analyze this some. She's had fits of rage and other odd behavior off and on all summer. She's even yelling at the dogs more.

I think there's something clinically wrong with her. I pointed it out last week and she thanked me and said she'd call our doctor, but she hasn't done that yet.

She has some pent up anger about our past and says she can't trust that my changes are real. I figured the hitting and the yelling last week was getting the poison out. Our daughter was in bed and the punches didn't hurt, so I didn't see the harm letting her do it.

She's apologized a dozen times since.

But yeah, something is wrong and I don't know what to do.