The ONLY THING that will get a WW's attention is when she sufferes some type of loss due to her WAW decisions. So far, she hasn't lost squat!!
My wife told me through email this morning that she is going to take a job as a painter. She didtn want to discuss it last night, and now I know why. She knew that it would be tough for me to hear that she is taking on the profession of the person who is her affair partner.
I think I have had enough. I cant take her actions any more. furthermore, I will not be able to live with a constant reminder of her infidelity every day when she goes off to work as a painter.
I think it is time for me to tell her that if this is the path she wants. she needs to go. I am done. I will tell her that I am going to get an appraisal on the house, and that she needs to find another temporary place to live until the details are settled.
I guess I have just reached my tipping point.
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Johnnie many of us have reached that tipping point. i know i did, probably earlier than you did. And its ok.
but this is a big decision, THE decision.
i would suggest taking a couple days to carefully consider. let the emotions die down a little. breathe and take your time, there is no rush. and yes, i understand the pain is great.
a discussion with your W on your thoughts may be appropriate, verify who she is working with, etc. This may be non-DB, but i feel necessary to prove you are making the correct assumptions. others may say differently, and thats ok.
if the job is with OM, then verbalize your boundary and allow her to decide knowing the this is your boundary.
of course, you're decision may not change, or may become stronger. this is all acceptable.
its a tough place to be. and i'm sorry that you've gotten there.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
what if she just thinks that painting pays well, for a relatively low educational requirement?
I mean, geez, I'm a lawyer and I've thought of doing it on the side when times got tough.
Why? B/C I painted 9 rooms in my house anyhow...
Let's say you don't like her answer, b/c let's face it, you won't.
So, you issue an ultimatum? And she feels forced, as if the old Johnie is back and or, never left....
So she bolts...
will that be alright with you? I'm guessing it's a likely event.
Be careful what you wish for. IF you are as impatient as you say, then this may bite you badly.
I'd hate for THAT to be the reason for you to lose the chance of reconciliation.
But if you simply cannot hold on any longer, knowing your timeline is shorter than many
so be it. I'm not judging. Just saying, again, to be careful what you wish for.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did respond to her email asking her "Are you still Involved with him?"
It was pure reaction and I couldnt stop myself. (NO 2X4s Please)
Johnnie, not a 2x4, but a simple observation:
If you continue to operate from "pure reaction," and "can't stop yourself," you will never, EVER succeed at this. You are HOW many months into this now, after your bombing?
DBing doesn't take a higher degree in rocket science, but it DOES require an incredible amount of SELF-DISCIPLINE. Many months later, you're still spinning and reacting emotionally, and NOTHING good can come from that.
"I did respond to her email asking her "Are you still Involved with him?"
It was pure reaction and I couldnt stop myself. (NO 2X4s Please)
Jeez, Louise...
Johnnie, I'm going to make 2 observations (with help from other posters):
#1. Someone on this forum has a tag line in their signature that says something to the effect of:
"Women admire men in control, not controlling men."
See the difference?
You have to get control of yourself. If you don't your W will never stop running from you. And I say this as a man who was not in control of himself and now has an official WAW.
#2. From Starsky309:
"Many months later, you're still spinning and reacting emotionally, and NOTHING good can come from that."
You have had a lot of golden advice, comments and encouragement given to you by some of the best people on this site, but it seems to wash right over you. I fear that soon the advice, comments and encouragement will begin to stop as people see you are stuck in the same place.
Johnnie, we all want to see you succeed at getting your life back on track. I want to see you rise up out of this mess as one incredible person who can turn around and then help others who come here broken as you are. We're not cheering for your marriage as much as we are cheering for you.
See the difference?
You can live without your W, if that is what it comes down to. It will be difficult at first, but it can be done. Because right now, you're not living. At least, not the way we're designed to live.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Her email this morning was a slap in the face. I haven't done anything since I sent it. I do want an answer though. It's like having a sliver in your finger that you can't get out. You just want to pull the sliver... To stop the pain. I need to know if she is still involved with him.
I was encouraged by a good friend at work (who is in the middle of her own WAW situation). She is In the same situation at virtually the same stage as my wife and I. Her circumstances are very similar. The difference is she is the WAW. After her affair was revealed to her husband, he did all the thing we all have done, begging pleading etc. On Monday he told her that he Was going to call a real estate agent and move out to his sisters because he would not put up with her cheating. She admitted to me that his ultimatum caused her to take a hard look at what she had done and made her "wake up". She committed to him this week to try to work on their marriage. Now, every sitch is different, and they have a long difficult road before them, but they are on the Road. I can't even get out of the driveway. So, when she told me her "wake up" news, iI convinced me that I needed to do the same thing. After all that's all I want is, the opportunity to at least try. Believe me, talking to my frIend who is in this same sitch for the last 3 weeks, nothing I said to her got through (same results as with my wife). No matter what approach I tried. She needed the ultimatum to to wake up.
Also when I combine this knowledge with Sandis advice, and the results I noticed from my talk with my wife 2 weeks ago, it seems to me that what I am doing right now is not working I'm not getting through, and that there is evidence that I simply need to express my boundaries and lay out my expectations for my own sake. I have not been listening to my inner voice that has been telling me to not let her treat me this way. maybe it's time to do something different...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
It sounds like you are pretty intent on doing this.
I'm not going to try and convince you not to - as you said, every situation is different and none of us know your wife as well as you do.
The outcome may not be what you like. Be prepared for that - once you lay that ultimatum out there you are not going to be able to walk it back without losing more respect from your W.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
