Couple updates... Actually, some interesting and positive turns...
Things are kinda coming to a head here, finally... think I might have a handle on my financial sitch finally... yay... which means I'm not feeling that pressure... got letter in mail from mediation and my appointment is on Oct. 5/11... yay... got email from W (including indication that D9 was missing me and wanting to come for a visit) stating that her L should have separation doc drawn up before end of month...
so... decision time...
Figured out how it is a "good thing" and let W know that it IS a good thing because everything is happening at the right time... I'll get the sep docs, then the "fine points" can be discussed in mediation, and then if everything goes well, we'll be ready to file D beginning of Nov. (appropriate 1 yr wait period)...
and...
major blow out with my mom, myself, and my dad... got kinda ugly... no expectations but I think my mom might get ADs finally and get help for her alcoholism... we'll see of course... but looks positive...
One note from my post above regarding picking up D9 to meet the teacher... FIL didn't even acknowledge me when I went to get D9... I went to the house (my W's), rang the doorbell and D9 came to door... FIL did not come out of bedroom (apparently resting and trying to stay cool). I did attempt to engage by calling out to say "hey"... but nothing... ok... guess that answers any questions I might have had... expected, though... if what my W said was true about her family and friends opinion about me...
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Anyhow, notes from today...
My W responds to email regarding D9... letting me know when and where to pick D9 up on Sat...
And then... indicates that she wants to set up a schedule for my time with D9...
I'm thinking... wtf???! Not much to "schedule" when she's getting a document ready that I understand will state that I will have 20% custody which will not include any weekdays (or at least no overnights; due to school)... so weekends only for me... what's to schedule...?
And still scheduling kids social calender on what would be my time with kids... *sigh*...
What my W is trying to "schedule" is (Canadian) thanks giving with her family... not that I would say no... but don't TELL me that the kids are scheduled... ask me... I'll say yes... because it is a good time for the kids (fireworks, great food, family...)
bah...
Then I just get a bizarre email... addressed to a few "key" people (including OM1)... asking to sponsor my W and D13 on a fund raiser walk... of course I'd sponsor for a good cause and of course my W focuses on the cause and D13... also, it was not addressed to all of her email people... just weird how she'd include me in a bulk email, not by separate invitation to sponsor...
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*sigh*... yes, feel free to feedback that I'm focused too much on my W and trying to mind read...
My defense remains, I'm just looking for behavioral consistencies and / or changes...
My W also completely continues to avoid the "elephant" of D... making no comment one way or the other on getting everything ready to file... and side steps the elephant and even the sep agreement quite interestingly by attempting to schedule kid time...
Some changes, some consistencies...
None of that really matters... like I said, just making notes... I remain good in my course of actions and look forward to the future...
Well... on an up side... I have D9 with me this weekend (yesterday and today)...
That's about it...
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Random thoughts...
Had a bit of a blow out with D(almost 14)13... She wants a belly button piercing... as much as I don't like that idea at her age, I almost caved... then put my foot down and said "no"... wow... monster showed up in her, big time... and then she got W involved...
W sends a "pleasant" (negotiation) email... asking me to justify my decision... I didn't bite, not one bit... no reply...
I truly thought that W would concede and let D13 get the piercing... apparently not... it's like... somehow... my opinion now matters...?
Also found out this weekend that OM3 has pretty much taken my place with the ILs and such... Niece18 actually invited him to her 18th bday party on Friday at W's brother's... W's whole local family and friends were there...
Found out that OM1 fractured his neck in a quad accident... bad, of course, but not horrible... has a neck brace... if things were different, I would call him up and wish him a speedy recovery... right now, I think to myself, "Karma's a b i t c h..." but that's wrong... my momma taught me better than that...
And I think to myself, OM3 really seems like a catch for W... rich (probably makes close to 6 figures working oil figures; over past 10 years or so), giving (let's FS17 and W use his truck any time they want when he is away at work), lots of fun (I'm guessing years of practice of knowing how to party it up), possibly compassionate...
I know it's not for me to think or do, but "I can't compete" rattles around in my skull... he's me... but with lots of money... this time (as opposed to OM1), she appears to have affaired up...
Yet I know... I know, I know, I know... that there's gotta be some down side to this guy... someone with that kind of money, and carefree attitude, decent looks (I guess)... no one is "perfect"... certainly, no matter what my W has told anyone (or him) about me... someone who dates a M woman... that's just not right... unless... he really doesn't know that she is still M...
Yesterday, my W calls here to mention the pick up time for me to get D9... I didn't answer... she then sends an email and asks when I'll be dropping D9 off at the house... I respond... and she again replies back pleasantly (obviously she's been in a good mood as OM3 was coming out this weekend and W's had fun with him so far)... W replies and says that she won't be at the house at drop off time, as she is taking a friend to the airport... yeah... OM3... so NOW she's talking about him... I guess doing the introduction and trying to soften the blow...
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Oh well... anyhow... I remain standing... but only until we get through mediation...
The harsh reality is... did I ever mention this earlier in my threads...?
I truly understand what "too little, too late" means... there is no way that all the damage done could ever be repaired... I mean... there are miracles, but... but... I don't think I believe in miracles any more... this would be a miracle that... I really don't want... I just want appropriate access / custody of my kids... an appropriate financial settlement... and I want to get on with my life...
I wish there was a way to erase her from my life... and there isn't... I so hope that in 4 yrs... I will be comfortable sitting in the same building as her, while we celebrate D14's HS graduation...
I'm going to enjoy the day hanging with D9... without a doubt...
but my mind is working on how to express to my W that I want NC... like really and completely... because I have been consistent with my NC boundaries through my actions... but... she just... isn't... getting the hint...
OK... maybe "clearer heads" have prevailed... it's possible I just needed to put that down to virtual paper and take about 5 minutes to think about it...
Obviously "reality" still hurts... but my goal was more contact... my goal was less secrets...
The truth is, I have to deal with whatever reality brings... and if that is my W actually and really having an A and eventually going through mediation and getting a D and this guy or some other guy will be part of my kids' lives...
well... that will be what it will be and as we say here, there's nothing I can do about it, except control me...
As much as it hurts, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to... I'm not down and out for a week or a month over it...
I have to "let" these things in so that I can work through them, get over them, and let them go... the LBS crises / transition...
Maybe my W is looking for a reaction, maybe how I react, letting my W transition me to the idea slowly and softly might be what my W is hoping for...
My negative reaction would be expected by my W, still... I suspect... she's probably not convinced that "change" in me is real... so I'll keep doing what I'm doing...
Maybe I'm not looking at it the right way... maybe... there are positive changes that I'm not seeing... maybe... what I'm doing is "working"... for me... yes... that's probably it...
You are most certainly over analyzing. It's so tough not to. I just hope that these moments of analyzing are restricted to the boards. Dump that baggage here and leave it here.
I can't imagine going through all of this with kids in the picture. That's beyond my ability to empathize. I'm not sure I'd handle it nearly as well as you.
Didn't realize you had an alcoholic mother. Me too. Mines been a big part of our M problems. We almost lost her to alcoholism a few years back. Went through hell with the family stuff. Had some really close calls with an upper gi bleed. Really nasty scary. But my point is this. Even if the alcoholism goes away, the alcoholic personality patterns will not go away on their own. Those patterns can exist in people who were never drinkers but grew up around it.
Just something to think about. My W runs and hides when my mother comes around. Will not speak to her.
So on to better things. I may have missed it but what are you doing for you?
Haven't thrown my 2 cents in but it sounds like you are working through some stuff here.
It sounds like you are trying to reconcile what you know to be true (re: your locus of control) and the desire to make some sense out of your W's behavior.
Rather than concern yourself with her behavior/expectations - wouldn't it be more efficient and effective to ask yourself what your ideal way of handling things might be?
That way, you are doing what works for you and potentially what might help with the other stuff too.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Yeah Huh and Chaos... just using this as a passive sounding board... sometimes a guy just has to vent to work it through...
Plus some of the stuff is info that might be necessary for mediation, like kid visits or the fact that W has integrated OM3 into a more familial role with my kids and in the house...
Not a lot of opportunity (financially and distance wise) to GAL around here, so I spend a lot of time walking the bush or putzking around the yard...
Not sure if I mentioned it but also a lot of what I write (journal) is intended to be a written form of patterned behaviour, to see if my W's behaviour is changing or simply staying the same...
It is not so much (not at all, IMHO) expectations... aside from I expect that my W will continue to behave exactly as she has which in many ways is exactly the way she always has (motivators, for example; money)... for example, she's bounced a bit from "boomerang" type MLC behaviours to "off-and-on" (very low contact, very guarded) and now back to "boomerang"...
It means nothing in the moment... if she's MLC, she is likely going to be in her current mode for at least another year to year and a half...
Anyhow, like I said, what I put here is venting and journaling for long term records...
But my expectations are... in about a month, we will be "legally separated" and shortly after, D...
The ideal way to handle this IMHO, is more of the same from me... but when the pressure builds up inside me, I vent... I'm back to the person she married with... "positive adjustments"... so I'm OK with who I am now and will continue to better myself as time goes on... that's without a doubt... not stuck, by any means...
Early in the beginning of when I subscribed here, I was asked the usual question (at least at the time) if an A was a deal breaker... I said it was... but realized, it didn't have to be... but I've come to realize that... at my core... cheating is a deal breaker... dishonesty is a deal breaker... emotional abuse is a deal breaker...
If it wasn't for the kids... certainly if we weren't M... I would have been long gone... and completely NC with my W... no second chances...
I expect... to be long divorced from the woman before she is anywhere likely to have a change of heart (not expected) or that I will in any way have any... "friendship" with her...
I have a lot going for me... I really am a good person with a lot of great characteristics... I just don't happen to have a keen focus on, nor am I highly motivated by money... that's the one thing that I'm looking to change over the next 3 years... get a "career" and develop it like the "average joe"...
Yeah I figured your analyzing and venting was confined to this place. Just checking.
I'm in the same place as you as far as GAL. Nothing around here and finances tight. So for me it's been the same as you. I take my dog for runs. Funny how many people I end up socializing with on those runs though. My dog is very unusual looking and everyone wants to stop and pet her. That makes for a lot of casual meetings.
You're headed towards career? I avoid that. I've been self employed for far too long.
Hopefully the financial sitch changes for both of us. I'm seeing some very positive signs lately. All these extra hours that I'm not spending accomodating my w are really looking like they may pay off on the financial side.
You ever read Wallace Wattles. His writings really changed my outlook on money. T. Harv Ecker is pretty good too. All of his stuff is borrowed but he's pretty good at distilling ideas from many of the great authors of the past. Good stuff even if not original.
The area that I live is rural and the pop of the surrounding towns is 3K or less... the largest city (about 125K) is an hour away...
But as they say, GAL is about doing things that are personally stimulating and enjoyable... so while I'd love to be a little more social, physically with people... I still get in "me time"...
Like you (Huh), I am a jack of all trades type with a very narrow and deep specialty... rarely is my true skills ever desirable locally... I really do love my local (home) region so living here and raising a family was important to me 10 years ago... still is, but my life is changing... maybe my mind should change, with it...
Choices... either I move to an area which will give me more success at finding work with my specialty, which will put me thousands of miles away from my children... or I look at career as my more generalized self-employ focus is really, really soft... every neighborhood kid can do the work I do... and they will do it for next to nothing... I prefer self employ... I'm good at it, too... but aside from last year's project... IDK... I need to investigate other streams if I have any hope to stay self employed... so maybe... a 20 year career prior to retirement age is something I will do... but I know how much commitment and resolve that would require from me...
I've done start ups on as little as $100... and they're generally decent returns... but they're also generally short term "projects", as markets get soft, quickly around here...
I'll look into the authors you mentioned above...
I wanted to touch lightly on my mom's alcoholism... the most recent blow out was tough and she really showed remorse... My understanding of people and now my DB work has me understanding that I should not have expectations... I'm working with my Dad on this, but he still falls back into the enabler role, always desperate to believe that "this time, maybe she means it... maybe she's changed..."
I never put my personal respect into that equation, but after reading your thread... I wonder if that is something for me to review...
I wonder if, you and I... we look to be only "good enough" and are not so focused on money... because of the alcoholism... we seek relationship (acknowledgment) in our work, rather than monetary gain... in my case, money was never a problem growing up... but I felt abandoned due to the alcoholism... and then combine that with a sense of unworthiness...
Your W's avoidance of your mom... did your W raised in an alcoholic environment...? Mine did... if not fully, certainly borderline... So together, we would mostly avoid alcohol abusive people and environments... until recently where my W seems to have become engaged in it more deeply... I don't know OM3 enough to know his use of alcohol, but I certainly see my W being much more of a user of alcohol... and my D13 appears (as initially pointed out by a close friend) to be showing signs of living in an alcohol centric environment...
At one point this summer, I picked up my kids for a weekend visit and popped over at a friend's place... they were having a bonfire and I had a couple drinks and according to my friend (also raised in an alcoholic family) indicated D13 had a concern that I was drinking... my friend indicated it was a reaction that she had as a child... anyhow, the point being is my friend figures that my D13 reacted that way because my W is taking the kids to parties where people, including my W, are getting very drunk or alternately (abandoning the kids) getting sitters or shipping the kids off so that W can go drinking...
Again, over analyzing for the purpose of DB... but just some thoughts of the effects...
In the end, DB is about the now and being solutions based and future oriented... but after that, there's always room (and sometimes motivation) to do regressive... to help understand the "why" and be prepared...
I read your post a few days ago but didn't have time to reply back. I've been thinking about it though. We're definitely very similar and that's kind of amazing I think.
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But as they say, GAL is about doing things that are personally stimulating and enjoyable... so while I'd love to be a little more social, physically with people... I still get in "me time"... smile
That's the same thought I've had. I often wonder if it is a rationalization or it's really GAL. I don't know for sure.
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Like you (Huh), I am a jack of all trades type with a very narrow and deep specialty
Interesting. Is there a way you can market that specialty in a way that is not geographically limited? Provide it as a service online? Teach it online?
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so maybe... a 20 year career prior to retirement age is something I will do... but I know how much commitment and resolve that would require from me...
I don't hear a lot of enthusiasm in that statement. Somethings wrong there.
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I never put my personal respect into that equation, but after reading your thread... I wonder if that is something for me to review...
There's a lot there for you to review. You are part of that equation regardless of how detached you feel. When I almost lost my mom to alcohol a couple of years ago it brought out all kinds of stuff. And I didn't have much of a relationship with her. She was mean and I avoided her. Still mom.
There's also a book trhat is reffered to as "the little black book" that I was thinking was from Dr Jan but I can't seem to find it. A very quick read and very enlightening.
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I wonder if, you and I... we look to be only "good enough" and are not so focused on money... because of the alcoholism... we seek relationship (acknowledgment) in our work, rather than monetary gain... in my case, money was never a problem growing up... but I felt abandoned due to the alcoholism... and then combine that with a sense of unworthiness...
You are onto something very very important there and this is what I wanted to respond to. Yes you are absolutely right. I've been working on this a lot. I would derive satisfaction from coming up with brilliant entrepreneurial ideas. But the satisfaction was gained from the coming up with the idea and relaying it. Not from bringing it to fruition. I have a bunch of multi-million dollar ideas laying around partially done. This year I decided to narrow my focus and only work on one until it took off. Then I would have the resources to do another. I actually avoided telling my wife of any new ideas and even avoided telling her of breakthroughs in the work. I knew if I told her I would gain my satisfaction but impede my progress because I would lose motivation. I tell her some of the progress but keep it limited.
Years ago a friend of mine was going to open a new business but he wouldn't tell me what it was. He was very excited but wouldn't tell. He said if he told he would gain the satisfaction without actually following through and would then lose momentum. I didn't really get it at the time but now I do.
You may not be exactly the same in this regard but I'll bet it;s something very similar. Look closely at it. and yes, seeking to be "good enough" is not good.
I don't think my W was raised in an alcoholic environment. I think she just really hates my mom for how she treats me and for all the things I've had to overcome due to my upbringing.
Yes, db is about the now. But sometimes if you know why you do something or even come to recognize that you do something it can then be overcome. If you don't know it exists you can't get past it.
Early in our marriage my W would get furious about the things my mom would say to me. Then she's get mad at me for not reacting to them. I wondered what she was talking about. She's say "well your mom said..." I'd say "I don't remember that. what are you talking about?"
This kept up for a long time until eventually when she's replay an interaction I could almost remember it. Turned out I had some very strong self protective mechanisms going on and I literally could not hear all the nasty things that were said. When I did hear them I couldn't remember them later. I eventually could reach deep into ,my mind and hear them after my W would go over it with me.
The human mind is a funny thing.
So anyway, speaking of alcoholism. I was working out when my W left for the evening. After I finished my workout and she had left I went to the kitchen and found that there was a hefeweizen with a lemon tied to the neck set where I would find it in the fridge and my dinner prepared and everything set out. What kind of WAW does stuff like that? Mine does.
I have also noticed the way she says some things lately. There are a lot of we's and us's in her statements. Not like before whenit was all I's.
