I catch myself saying sarcastic and judgemental things all the time. Most recently after he'd done some grocery shopping: "Oh, you bought more milk" when there was already a full 3Litre bottle in the fridge (why didn't he just check beforehand?; why didn't I just shut up??).
And the detaching is still almost beyond me. But I have started to recognise how damaging it is for me to react emotionally to what he does. Maybe if you don't think of it as 'detaching' from him.... I try to think of how useless it is to get emotional with him. It really sets me/him/us back. So think of de-emotionalising rather than detaching if that helps at all.
And it's a great 180 to be calm, non-emotional and non-judgemental. Just notice, accept that's what he's done, and park it for later when you can get on here and post about it.
Wretched - good advice, and thanks for the helpful ideas on detaching - I like the "de-emotionalizing" better. I limited my interactions with H this week and already feel stronger and calmer as a result. I need to stay in this state, as we are slated to meet out for a dinner "date" on Sunday and I really hope to be calm, cool and collected (as my mother used to say) when we are together.
I am fine as long as I don't let my mind focus too much on OW. That's when I start to spin negative and usually wind up saying something I regret. so the thought stopping techniques have been helpful in that regard.
I hope you are doing ok, wretched...and thanks for your support!
RSGG, there is an article over on the livestrong site about detachment. I was pointed to it some months back. I helped me. Google detachment and it should be on the first page. There is another useful article about boundaries there also.
Focus on what you control, yourself, your actions, work on yourself. You will get through this and come out stronger for the experience.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It sounds like you have all the right ideas in mind for what you need to do, now it's just time to start the tough work of putting those things into action. Refer back to your goals often and take inventory of how you are doing. It's helped me to start thinking before I open my mouth (a problem of mine, as well), "Is what I'm about to say going to lead me closer or farther away from my goals?". I guarantee that every time you choose to keep your mouth closed instead of saying something that may be taken as judgmental, you won't regret it.
I'll have to check out that article on detaching, JS. Thanks for sharing that information!
Take care, RSGG, and I hope you are "on" for your Saturday night date! Make him wonder why on earth he's considering leaving someone like you!
PS...imagining the big red STOP sign really does help regarding your thoughts of ow. You have to train your mind to not go there. Also, look into some books on forgiveness. As MWD says, it is a gift you give yourself. I really like "Choosing Forgiveness" by Nancy DeMoss.
At first, I was thinking that your sitch was a lot like mine in the beginning, but it moved so fast after that.
One thing you need to decide is do you really want to save your M. When I read about your L wanting you to file right away, it made me think of just why there are so many D's in the USA - The L's for sure want to have their income! But is it really what you want?
For me, if your H wants to leave, he should file. Then the burden of ruining the family is really on him. Even in the midst of all of what you described, I could sense that your H is still struggling with the idea of leaving his family, that is why he was not the one to bring up separation. But sometimes, we LBS feel that the WAS act nastily to us to spur us to ask for a separation, so that they can point the blame on to us all the more. Sad to say, many fall for this, and in the end, the LBS is actually the one who determines the fate of an M.
Of course when a person is in the throes of an affair, they won't have any feelings for spouse! But will those "chemically induced" in love feeling last? Most articles say that they fizzle out from between 6 mos to 2 years!
My H was so much like yours, but I just hang in there. Many people told me to make him choose, S, etc. but I felt that he was in a fog and any decisions he would make would be influenced by his state of mind. I also thought about my D a lot and did not want to subject her to a broken family. My H actually did initially bring up a D, but never acted on it, and we are still together now more than 1 year after the bomb. He now admits that his feelings for OW are waning, and I just am hoping and praying that it will be completely gone one day. You know, no matter what you do, you cannot force another person to love you.
Work on yourself, RSGG. Since you are Catholic, check out the concept of "standing' for your M. I read a lot of material from Rejoice Ministries, and they send daily devotionals which are very inspirational and helps me to hang on to my M.
Detachment is indeed very important, and it is hard to learn but is the greates lifesaver in this situation.
You take care and God bless!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
