redskinsgg, im sorry that your hear, but you will meet some people and will get some much needed support. Soccerw has given you a few very good ideas to try.
I do have to ask this. Are you okay with living in an open marriage. Sounds silly to ask, but i was willing to do it at one point for my children.
If your not okay with it, have you clearly and calmly told your husband that you will not live in one.
If your not okay with it, why are you dating and having your husband over for dinner.
if you truly dont want a divorce in you mind, NOT YOUR HEART, then tell your lawyer to not file. Have him draft a separation agreement and see what your H does with that. its not closing the door on your marriage, but it lets your husband know you want to protect your rights and your stability.
What are you doing for you, to make you happy, to try and push your anger and hurt feelings at bay for a little while. What is your ME time.
Have you set any goals, what are some of them
Hang in there, you are strong and you will be able to handle this. You need to stop all talk about your marriage with your husband, right away. If he isnt ready to commit, and your not ready to live in an open marriage. WORK ON YOU. Be the best you that you can be, not for him, for you.
You will reach your goals, he will notice the changes, and if you shift his focus from the negative talk about your M and let him see you having fun and becoming the person you were when he fell in love an asked you to marry him, who knows, he might just realize what an idiot he is being.
Things have deteriorated in my situation, and I am slowly realizing its time for me to go dark with my H, at least for now. I am too angry right now to effectively DB actively with him. angry about his affair, and angry he has decided to rekindle it. Angry that we don't seem to be making any progress. Scared that things are getting worse, and recognizing I am partially to blame.
I am finally understanding the truth of the DB technique. For me, at least, it's a slow process of turning the focus off of my relationship/marriage and back to ME. It's hard, because I am a FIXER if ever there was one. But it's slowly dawning on me that I have to save myself first...and if I can save my marriage at some point down the road, then that is a benefit. But I have to take care of myself now.
H has told me he is back with OW, for whatever that is worth. And it makes it doubly hard not to obsess about what he is doing, how he is spending his time, etc. So I've decided to limit my contact with him while I try to get control of my anger, sadness and hostility, because as you can imagine, all that is doing is harming what is left of our marriage and driving him right to her.
So, I'm turning the focus back to me. Starting up yoga again, looking for a job, going to a new bible study group, and trying to find my joy again. For the past few months, I've done NOTHING but worry, fret and stress about my marriage and it has gotten me nowhere and only made me more miserable. So, I am "dropping the rope" and letting things just be for a while so I can find my center again. I've lost it, and I see now that I need to get it back...for me.
I will contact him only as it relates to the kids, and then, only in email fashion. I need to do this, at least for a few weeks, while I get myself back together. This whole situation has been so devastating and I am simpy not coping the way I normally would. I am a 2 TIME BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR, but cannot for the life of me seem to be able to get myself to a place where I don't "react" to H, don't antagonize, don't show my anger, don't push, don't try to fix, don't try to convince.
It's time for me to put down this burden, at least for a while.
Tank - yes, you are right. I need to take the focus off of my marriage and put it back on me, at least for now. I am NOT willing to live in an open marriage, which is why I've decided to go "dim" (can't go completely dark as we have kids) and only contact him as it relates to the kids, at least for a few weeks.
MY GAL activities include yoga, new job, bible study and lots of time with my friends, who have all been unbelievably supportive. I'm lucky that I have a very full life, which I have unfortunately put on hold during this whole disaster. I recognize that is part of the problem, so I'm doing what I can to change the focus from worrying about our relationship to paying attention to ME now. I know that will serve me well no matter which direction this goes.
I'm not sure about this OW thing. She is his high school sweetheart...contacted him out of the blue last winter to discuss her "marital woes", and they've been carrying on this affair ever since. Now that we are separated, and he's free to "pursue" the relationship more openly, I'm clearly concerned things will escalate between them and he will get closer and closer to her while pulling farther and farther away from me. She recently separated from her husband, so the stage is set for them to begin to pursue their relationship more fully. How devastating is THAT?
But that is not my concern at this point. I just have to focus on me, and limit my interactions with him until I can gain control of my anger. Then, and only then, can I begin to try to communicate with him in a more positive manner. Our communication has almost totally broken down at this point, and it's absolutely killing both of us. If nothing else, I'm hoping going dim will help improve our communication to the point of a decent friendship, which we don't even have right now.
Since going dark, I do feel a bit more in control of my emotions. But I notice I am also really beginning to feel the grief and loss of my marriage (at least in it's current state) and am feeling so sad that at times, it is a neatly physical ache. Picturing h with OW is making me nearly faint with misery. I am trying to keep those thoughts out of my head, but it is really difficult.
So, going dark is good, in the sense I don't interact with h and have those awful circular conversations that go nowhere. But I am starting to really feel the pain now and boy, does it ever take my breath away.
I went to church yesterday and prayed out loud - just sat on the floor, cried my eyes out, and asked God to help me get through this situation, however it turns out. I did feel better after that. I know I will survive, whatever happens. And I am committed to doing what it takes to make the changes I know I need to make in my life, for ME. But the loss of what "was", and what could be in the future, is still tough to swallow.
not sure how to proceed with going dim. I obviously need to stay in contact with H as it relates to the kids, and he has also said one of his chief complaints about me is I haven't been a good listener through the past few years. He says he doesn't "trust" me to share his thoughts with anymore.
OK, so how do I fix that if I'm "going dark/dim"? I need to minimize contact with him for at least the next two weeks or so while I gain control of my emotions again. I am WAY too angry at his current behavior with OW to even be civil to him at times right now. But I recognize the conundrum here - if I can't be nice to him, we cannot build a friendship AND he won't believe I am actually committed to my stated goal of being someone he can trust to share his feelings with. But if I am friendly and kind (which I am truly finding to be difficult, currently), I feel like I am letting him know that I tacitly accept his affair with the OW.
What do I do? I need to set some boundaries, but also need to demonstrate some of my changes, which will be critical for him to believe we can have a future together. He says my love is "conditional", meaning he thinks I'll only truly LOVE him again if he breaks contact with OW and fully recommits to our marriage. I'm not sure I agree with that statement, as it sounds a bit convoluted to me. But I hear him in spirit, so to speak: he wants to see demonstated changes from me before he commits to reconcile. What's "in it for him" if he comes back now, and things look pretty much the same as they did when he left? So, I get it. But...
How do I put my pride, ego and anger aside and just love him through it, even though he's having an affair?? And how do I walk the line between being friendly and kind and looking like I'm a pursuing idiot with no boundaries? How can he (or I) even respect that?
Someone please help...I am seriously conflicted!! And can I get some tech advice about posting? Seems like my posts take forever to come up, and they are always at the back of the pack. Something I should be doing that I'm not currently? sorry, just new to this type of community board so I'm not as savvy as some other veterans.
I am still struggling with going "dim" with my H. Seems like every time I see him, I pray and prepare myself ahead of time to be serene, calm and in control, but when he walks in the door all my good intentions go right out the window and I wind up either coming off as brusque and cold (NOT the same as detached, I realize!) or saying something sarcastic, etc. It's as though I see him and all I can think about is, "He's seeing another W...he's having an affair...he doesn't want me anymore..." I know, it sounds pathetic, but seriously, when I see him stroll in the house looking like the cat that ate the canary (to pick up the kids and take them someplace fun, etc.) I want to strangle him.
HOW do I get myself centered? HOW do I implement my DB strategies when I can't seem to get out of my own emotional way? I know, I know, I have to detach. It's just taking me a long time to do it. Ugh.
We have decided to write up some ground rules during our separation as they relate to the kids, finances, etc. We also included some items about our R, including the idea that we will resume weekly counseling sessions to help improve our communication (only with the christian counselors I suggested, as the traditional MC didn't do squat for us!), and will "date" every other week. sounds good in theory, but am I just allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too? We aren't pursuing reconciliation at this point in time, we are just trying to figure out if we can get our R back to a decent friendship basis at this point, I suppose. Limbo-land is what it feels like to me.
I am so confused. Part of me wants to cut him off completly and say, "make your choice, buddy" -- you can't have me AND her. But part of me wants to stay in contact with him on some level if that is what it might take to improve our R at this point in time. Should I cut off my nose to spite my face by cutting him out of my life for the most part, or will that simply ruin any chance we might have at reconciling down the road? OTH, will he respect me more if I stick to my guns and don't let him control things to his liking?
Help, I'm confused. What is the right answer here?
oh picturing your spouse with OP is TORTURE. Use thought stopping techniques --- like MWD says, a BIG RED STOP SIGN. I imagine them together way too often, and it's a real horror. DON'T!! *yes, i know it's easy to say and hard to do. I struggle with it all the time!
You said: I am finally understanding the truth of the DB technique. For me, at least, it's a slow process of turning the focus off of my relationship/marriage and back to ME. It's hard, because I am a FIXER if ever there was one. But it's slowly dawning on me that I have to save myself first...and if I can save my marriage at some point down the road, then that is a benefit. But I have to take care of myself now. Remember all of this. You have to take care of YOU now. That is the only hope for your M and/or YOU. Make yourself your own project. Love yourself. GAL and enjoy what you can in areas where you have some control. Take care!!!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Hi there, I'm only new here, like you, so don't profess to know much (and my posts also seem to take forever to get up!).
But I came across this reference from Silveryposter on Newcomers: 'Trying not to hope is hard'.
It's helped me straightaway to see how my H probably feels about me when I backslide into trying to tell him how things are, that he's wrong, or when I just let my anger at the situation boil up.
I'm sorry for the nightmare you are going through. I do know this...you have kicked cancer's sorry butt not only once, but TWICE (WOW!!!), so you DO have the strength to DB!
Start by making a list of goals for yourself and for your relationship, and then brainstorm about what YOU can do to work toward attaining those goals. Every few days, take inventory of what you have done to get closer to your goals and what you have done to backslide. This will help keep you on track.
Also, you need to decide what your boundaries are and ENFORCE them. If it's not acceptable to share your H with ow, then tell him that and enforce it by only communicating with him regarding pressing issues, such as kids, bills. etc. (I'm not saying that's what you should do...everyone has their own boundaries, and many spouses are willing to "look the other way" when an op enters the picture). Decide what works for you and stick with it.
Additionally, start working on emotionally detaching. This one was the toughest for me. Being separated has helped a lot, as well as participating in activities I enjoy (GAL). I also read the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" along with DB/DR, of course, all which was helpful.
I second In Shock's suggestion of imagining a big, red STOP sign when your mind goes to dark places about H and ow. That "relationship" isn't worth your precious time or thoughts. The stop sign technique worked wonders for me, and I hope it helps you, too.
As I mentioned to you in my thread, there are many wise people here who can give you better advice than I can (for what NOT to do, read through my thread!), but I do believe the things I've listed above are all necessary for you to decide what your game plan is and get started on it.
Looking forward to reading soon how things are going! Take care of yourself and your kiddos! lc4
lc4, wretched, in shock and others...thanks for your responses. Wretched, the article you posted above is really, really helpful and I think it definitely applies in my case. I hear from my husband that I've been a terrible listener over the years, and I'm finally starting to "get it" that he is right. I'm also realizing how my angry, emotional reactions to everything he says have, and continue to, wreak incredible damage and havoc on our marriage. I hope not irreparable damage, but only time will tell at this point.
I'm also working on learning the difference between "reacting" and "responding". In the heat of the moment, I tend to react...with angry retorts or sarcastic remarks that are totally based in emotion, not usually well thought out, and generally not helpful at all. what I need to do now is try to "respond" - thoughtfully, with dignity and respect, and without too much emotion (I'm always going to be a bit of an emotional gal, but too much is WAY too much in my case) during our conversations.
The problem comes with the detaching piece. Detach, detach, detach. It's become my mantra. Unfortunately, I'm having real difficulty enforcing my own boundaries when it comes to this part of the DB process, and I know how critical it is, so I'm anxious about my inability in this area. Anyone have any specific tips? I know ... GAL, keep a PMA, etc. I'm doing those things, quite well I think, but I still seem to have so many moments where I seem way TOO attached to my H. And it's so not helpful. Destructive, actually.
OK, tonight the Skins play the Cowboys so my GAL involves plopping myself in front of the TV for the long haul tonight. Thanks for all your help, folks.
