I'm very sorry to hear about your mother vc. I really can't imagine how hard that must be. Even though my father is still alive, I literally want nothing to do with him. I may have hardened my heart, but I really don't care what happens to him at all. He's just not a good person, in any way, shape or form. For all the complaining that I do, I truly do love my mother and would be devastated if I couldn't have some type of relationship with her.
As for not allowing her presence impact the R, well, it already has. I think H sees me as this cold person because I had similar reservations when his mother came for an unexpectedly long visit last summer. Sorry if I don't like to have people staying with us for more than a week, especially when they try to change my daily routine. It seems like our house has turned into this refugee camp for adults that don't have their stuff together - and its not fair. I don't care how little you eat or how conscious you are about conserving energy - when you come to someone's home, you do cause them to incur additional bills. And at this time of year? What is she thinking?
As for my relationship with my mother, well, I see my mother as being very immature. She used to be the rock of our family, but after the divorce its like she went through a MLC and has never been the same sense. There's no way in a million years that I thought our relationship would be like this. We grew up being best friends, and now I am totally guarded and distant from her. Her lifestyle is just very out there. I can't really say much more than that.
I guess the only silver lining in this is that H now knows that I treat everyone in my family the same way. For years, he felt that I was being selfish when I told him that his mother could not live with us, but now he knows that I feel the same way about mine. Its nothing personal. I just want the opportunity to live a full, happy and productive life with my family. Our parents had the chance to do whatever they wanted, and now they're dealing with the consequences. I think its selfish that they would try to impose on their children the way that they are. I might be a prideful person, but I'd rather just struggle on my own than to negatively impact my kids. No freaking way I'd try to move in with my adult daughter, her spouse and her kids. Our house is tiny! Its not like we live in a mansion, or have enough land to let them just live in an RV. I don't know, I'm beginning to feel like I'm the crazy one again.
We have been trying to do so many things as a family and can't because of this situation. I did pretty well work wis last week, so I'm going to see if we can get a counseling appointment in before the New Year at this point. H's job is still kind of shaky, but he thinks that he can stay at his current location for at least the next few weeks. Money wise, we will be okay as long as I am able to continue picking up freelance work from home, especially if I increase my rates as planned.
If you don't mind, what do you have planned for Christmas dinner, VC? This is the first time I've ever cooked, so I'm a little overwhelmed. Any suggestions (recipes, hint, hint) would be greatly appreciated!
Oh, I absolutely agree, having relatives living with you puts an incredible strain on everything. My mother is living with my sister, and she is stressed out even though she has full time care for her. I guess your mother's whole world was turned upside down when they D. Maybe there is some way to get back some of the closeness y'all once had. I hope you have a space to call your own, to get away from everyone, so you don't end up screaming and pulling your hair out.
Well, for Christmas, my MIL brings over corned beef and other stuff. I make potato salad, turkey, pecan cornbread dressing, regular potato and rutabaga mash, and some sort of green vegetable, so i you have any ideas there, let me know. Oh, I know, creamed spinach! For sweets, I don't know, yet. I thought about making molasses butterball cookies, and my H wants me to make a coconut cake. I want to try a recipe for cheese straws, too. I have lots of recipes I have used over the years, so if you need one, let me know. It is really so easy to cook a turkey, don't let anyone tell you it's hard to cook all this stuff. Dressing is nothing but mixing the cooled cornbread with toasted pecans, broth, and seasonings and other ingredients and cooking it. You can make it the day before and pop it into the oven for about forty minutes or so. Oh, I bought fresh cranberries to make cranberry sauce for the first time. I bought extra cranberries to string up for the birds. I think they like them, don't they? Oh, H is going to make sausage balls, too. Hey, you can have your mother help cook.
What kind of freelance work are you looking for? If you said, already, sorry. I hope you find lots of it.
So, what have you decided on for Christmas Dinner??
Sorry for the extra long delay, but we had an extra busy holiday season. We ended up making a roast, seafood dip and salad for Christmas dinner. Hope that you had a wonderful holiday! My mother is doing much better and she literally moved out a few days ago. It feels so good to have my personal space back again.
Business has been good, considering how slow January normally is. Ever since I started to focus on work more, it seems like everything has fallen into place. Am I still cautious? Of course. But, everything has improved tremendously. Our communication is better, arguing has been to a minimum and we spend a lot more quality time together.
I'm not exactly sure what the catalyst was, but I definitely think GALing has helped. We're acting more like a team instead of two separate entities, and it has greatly improved our outlook on life. We talk everyday while he is at work, plan dinner, talk about mundane things. It's like finding your long lost best friend.
On the other hand, I'm still pragmatic. There's been no therapy since November and I know that summer is the time of year that we have had all of our big fights. My next goal is to get back into therapy by the end of February. I don't snoop anymore, but that doesn't mean that everything is kosher. Its like he quit cold turkey. Then again, he always said that he cheated in spurts - I have no way to know if this is just another calm before the storm, but it really does feel different.
So basically, I'm pretty much just living for me and the kids. Right now, he's coming along for the ride and it's been extremely pleasant. In truth, I have no idea how much I will ever be able to trust him. He's still being weird about my phone, but I'm not exactly sure what its about. No more grabbing it out of my hands, but still very inquisitive.
I'm not doling out any ultimatums or telling him what will happen if it happens again. I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt. Whatever happens is just going to happen. Being financially secure will allow me to make a swift exit, if need be. He's an excellent father, and I hope that never changes.
I'm not sure what else to say. I'm in a good place right now, and its been that way for a couple of months now. Maybe he's seeing how close he came to losing what he had (the package family deal) but people can quickly become complacent when a crisis dies down. He's been incredibly respectful, considerate, transparent and caring. Coming straight home from work, taking the kids with him when he runs errands (at this age, they are human tape recorders) and following through on his promises. I don't believe that it is an act.
I guess the next stage is going to be consistently attending counseling sessions, joint and individual. It's not going to be easy, but I'm willing to put forth the effort.
Originally Posted By: verycrazy
Oh, I absolutely agree, having relatives living with you puts an incredible strain on everything. My mother is living with my sister, and she is stressed out even though she has full time care for her. I guess your mother's whole world was turned upside down when they D. Maybe there is some way to get back some of the closeness y'all once had. I hope you have a space to call your own, to get away from everyone, so you don't end up screaming and pulling your hair out.
Well, for Christmas, my MIL brings over corned beef and other stuff. I make potato salad, turkey, pecan cornbread dressing, regular potato and rutabaga mash, and some sort of green vegetable, so i you have any ideas there, let me know. Oh, I know, creamed spinach! For sweets, I don't know, yet. I thought about making molasses butterball cookies, and my H wants me to make a coconut cake. I want to try a recipe for cheese straws, too. I have lots of recipes I have used over the years, so if you need one, let me know. It is really so easy to cook a turkey, don't let anyone tell you it's hard to cook all this stuff. Dressing is nothing but mixing the cooled cornbread with toasted pecans, broth, and seasonings and other ingredients and cooking it. You can make it the day before and pop it into the oven for about forty minutes or so. Oh, I bought fresh cranberries to make cranberry sauce for the first time. I bought extra cranberries to string up for the birds. I think they like them, don't they? Oh, H is going to make sausage balls, too. Hey, you can have your mother help cook.
What kind of freelance work are you looking for? If you said, already, sorry. I hope you find lots of it.
So, what have you decided on for Christmas Dinner??
Just journaling I have to. I set myself off on an emotional roller coaster by snooping today. I have no idea why I did it, maybe because things are going too good. No suspicious behavior or changes in mood or anything else that makes any sense. Now, I feel guilty, stupid and a little disappointed in myself. I made myself relive a nightmare for no apparent reason. I know that this is supposed to take time, but I'm just feeling crazy because I don't know if I can ever trust him, no matter what he does.
He's been an open book consistently for the last few months, but it's like I want to find something amiss. Completely ruined my workday and felt anxious for hours on end for absolutely no reason. At least I feel a little better now after venting.
Hi, you haven't posted in a while, so I wondered how things were going. Better, I hope. After all this time, I still have the occasional snoop myself. And, even though I generally accept that things are as they should be, I will probably always have trust issues with H.
Its been pretty peaceful, actually. I still find that we are both walking a tightrope. I'm not really sure how to proceed when I have that 'what if/when' thought in the back of my mind all of the time, but I guess its getting easier.
In the meantime, I've still been working on myself and pursuing my interests full speed. I have a job offer for a full-time gig in another state. The position is to start in six months, and it would give me much more financial stability than I have ever had.
I have to say, this has kind of shifted the dynamic in our relationship as well. I knew that I would need to have the ability to support myself and my children financially no matter what, but even I am pleasantly surprised with the outcome. Six months might not be enough time to solidify his changes or even enough to warn me if his ugly habits decide to rear their heads again, but at least I have options now.
I saw somewhere that you were dealing with those storms/tornadoes (sorry, I can't remember the details right now). I hope that things are better for you now. Thanks for thinking of me. I know my particular sitch doesn't fit the 'status quo,' but it's still nice to have a place to vent, regroup and reflect.
I haven't had the time to read all of my old posts, but I have skimmed over them and all I can say is 'wow.' Actually, if I am to be completely honest with myself, I'm too afraid to read them right now. I was such a different person. So confused, so panicked, so...weak. It's still kind of embarrassing.
Today, I feel much like the person I was when I first entered this relationship. Self assured, confident, hopeful and happy. I've been working out like a fiend and eating a very healthy diet. Still have some pounds to drop, but I look and feel much better. Everything is very regimented and I have little tolerance for slackness in any area of my life.
Basically, I guess my ultimate solution was to improve myself and my immediate surroundings. It's much easier to spot inconsistencies, lying, deception, etc. when your life is in order. I don't want to give the impression that I am a crazed perfectionist, but I used to accept so much crap. Whatever was dished out to me, I just took like a good little girl. Well, that time is long over.
I've been able to set clear cut boundaries and they have not once (at least to my knowledge) been violated. That's the hardest part for me now. Even though I can be 95% sure of where he is and verify what he's doing, nothing will ever be totally certain. That little doubt in the back of my mind is still there, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. It just makes me much more aware of what's going on.
Recently, I started a full-time job outside of the home. Can't say that I particularly like it, but there are numerous benefits to going to work. Financially, things are starting to turn around and my social life is pretty busy. Most importantly, I now have a way to fully support myself and my children in case he ever decides to act like a butthead again.
I guess I am saying that I am no longer afraid of being alone. Before, I stayed because I was scared and also because I really had no other option. Staying in this relationship has now become a conscious choice.
I have many friends and family to help support me emotionally, and I don't feel shy or scared about dating again, if it ever comes to that point. I guess it sounds like I've already got one foot out of the door, but that's not what I want at all. I want this relationship to work. I love him dearly, but forgiving is a very difficult process. As things currently stand, I think we have a fighting chance. However, I can only control myself so that is what I focus on.
I will say that my new found independence and take-no-prisoners attitude is also causing him to realize that this ship will not stay anchored forever. My life is moving forward at an incredibly fast pace, and I'm keeping everything positive.
Right now, my motto is 'free will.' Everyone has the ability and right to do what they want, even if those things are wrong. Everything done in the dark eventually comes to light, so I just walk in faith. And I have the inner strength to walk away 100% guilt-free if there are any future indiscretions. Never again will I allow another human being to make me feel less than the amazing person that I am. I'm too valuable for that. And I'm extremely blessed to have finally learned and accepted this fact.
The next goal is to go back to the wonderful counselor that helped us to get things back on track. He's expensive, and kind of a distance away, but he's good. Really, really good. With this new job, we'll be able to see him at least once per month. Things were very tight this winter and spring, so as much as we both desired to go to counseling, it just wasn't feasible. I need to collect a few more paychecks before I will feel comfortable scheduling our next appointment, but counseling is one of my main priorities at this point.
I don't know whether I should move to the piecing section as I won't really have a lot of time to update, but I thought it necessary to write down my thoughts and feelings right now. Hope that everyone had a happy 4th of July.
