For the first time since we met 12 years ago, I have had no contact with my W for 5 days. Today, I miss her.
I knew this would be a roller coaster, so I'm taking my mood for what it is and walking through it. But it does hurt to think about what has happened, about the emotional and physical distance between us and the very real possibility that this will end in divorce.
It is not paralyzing me. I know I will be OK regardless of the outcome. But the situations that are results of "The Situation" - the empty house, the loss of contact, the feeling of rejection, the pain that has been inflicted on our families and friends, the !!#*?! shopping for stuff just to make my life more bearable - all seem so pointless.
And yet, I can't say that if she were willing to return and work with me on our marriage, I would agree to that. There is no trust. There is no love; not in her heart. There is very little respect, if any. Not much to work with...
I will be relieved when this melancholy feeling passes.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I'm with you, TM. I know that things with H ending are for the best. Now, I have a chance to really be happy with myself without all of the negativity and anger. But the overriding sense of melancholy just lingers.
Things will get better and we'll be that much stronger for it.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
For the first time since we met 12 years ago, I have had no contact with my W for 5 days. Today, I miss her.
I went through this too, but it only took me 4 days. I even took it one step further. It's been 4 days now, shouldn't she be ready to come back already?
Here's the way I looked at the shopping stuff. I thought it would ALL worth it, if we were to restore the M and never go through this again. Even if we didn't, I'd still have the house furnished. If we reconciled, we'd have some extra furniture we'd be able to bless someone in need with. It also helped me move on to some extent. An empty room was emotionally tough for me to deal with. It also felt a little like rebellion. I especially liked it when my W liked some of the stuff I bought.
I'm sorry you are feeling sad and missing your wife right now. Here's a big Southern girl hug (the hug is big, not the girl...just wanted to clarify that) back at you.
You and I are both feeling a bit sour about the mess the WAS left behind (mainly emptiness) when they slithered, I mean, walked away. It's hard to not feel bitter about it all, but I know you will find a way to, as you said, walk through the pain instead of letting it fester.
Five days is a long time to go without any contact at all, so I know that must hurt. Remain strong. I seriously doubt she's having the time of her life right now, feeling content and happy and relieved. You said yourself that you know what it feels like to be a WAS, and it's not fun stuff.
You GAL like a rockstar, so keep up the good work. Anything fun coming up on your calendar?
I'm hangin, jb. It is good we have this place to vent our feelings, though.
Speaking of shopping...My daughter just called needing help to pay her tuition bill. She's been working her butt off to make ends meet but there were "extra fees" (!) tacked onto her bill she just can't pay. So...the new toys go back to Best Buy so I can do the responsible Dad thing. And, do you know what? I'm thrilled to be able to help her. Nothing good on TV anyway.
"Here's a big Southern girl hug (the hug is big, not the girl...just wanted to clarify that) back at you."
Thanks for that chuckle, lc4.
You're both right and as always give me lots of encouragement. Just after I posted that I received an e-mail from W asking about when she could pick up more of her stuff. Mixed emotions, but it was some contact.
You know what the definition of "mixed emotions" is, right? Watching your WAS drive your new Ferrari off a cliff.
But I digress...
Friday night the Travellers provide music for a Victorian Ball at the York Heritage Trust. Saturday we are at the Gettysburg National Battlefield all day for the annual Civil War Music Muster.
My music saves and soothes my soul.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
It's like they all have copies of the same script...
A single e-mail from W a half-hour ago has turned into an ongoing conversation. She's asking about the dogs, my plans for the house, what am I doing this weekend...and she commented about this quote I posted on Facebook, which was originally posted on this forum:
"I may not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I may not be rich but I am valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect but I don't need to be. Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away."
For someone who doesn't want much to do with me, she sure is curious.
I think this is a line from an old Bill Cosby comedy routine:
"Come here...come here...come here... Go away...go away...go away..."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
