Nothing has changed

[Margali]

It's me - I haven't been on here in months, maybe even a year. I think I started coming here in 2008. And nothing has really changed. DH says all the right things, but we have sex twice a month if I'm lucky. He's very matter-of-fact and always telling me something interesting he saw online or on TV - but so rarely anything romantic, emotional or sexual. I wonder if he has any strong or passionate feelings about me at all. I tried to GAL. But honestly, my job is so demanding I don't have much time or energy for hobbies or activities. I had lost a lot of weight in 2009-2010, but it didn't make any difference in his behavior, so I got discouraged and gained some back. I miss the passion of our early relationship, don't want to cheat, but feel unappreciated. The reason I rarely come here anymore is that I've read the books, I've tried GAL and I still feel like he can take me or leave me. I'm only here right now bcs I'm hurt and lonely and need to vent to some other people in the same boat. I wonder if anyone sees me in a sexual way at all anymore. Should I just resign myself and get ready to be an old lady? At 47 I don't feel old yet; and if I have to be old, I want to be allowed to retire.

Silly Old, do you still come here?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Its been pretty quiet over here in SSM land.

Other forums are much more active. Some here are making progress. You, like me, do not seem to be having much success. At 58 my life is still as sexless as it was 14 years ago.

Rather seeing yourself as an old lady, just keep thinking of yourself as a sex-starved one.

The Captain

[Margali]

Thanks, Earl. I'm just not in a good place in my life right now. Hopefully, things will get better in some aspect.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I understand. Life kind of serves itself up that way.

If you (or someone else) had told me, at age 43, that my life from that point on would be a sexless one (particularly with my sex-drive), I would have told that person that they were crazy.

Yet, here I am 14 years later. Some points have been lower than others.

The Captain

[Young at Heart]

My two cents; never give up until you are really ready to give up.

If you want passion in your marriage fight for it, tell your husband that it is important to you. I can understand discouragement. To me, GAL is more than just loosing weight or developing a new hobby, it is about giving you new skills and new confidence and showing both you and your spouse that change is possible.


MWD's approaches to saving a marriage and dealing with a sex starved marriage sometimes, but not always will work. Still they are a really good approach. GAL is a cornerstone of may of her recommendations.

As to venting, please do, as it is what helped me through a very dark time in my marriage. Based on your comments about not feeling sexy, there is a really interesting book that you might want to read. It is based on interviews with literally thousands of women over age 50 and was focused on their sexuality and sensuality and the things they did to keep themselves happy. It is called still sexy after all these years.

Good luck

[SillyOldBear]

I do still get here from time to time, but it was REALLY dead for awhile and I got into the habit of checking in about once a month or two.

I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck. I know that feeling that you're marking time and making no progress. You can get through a lot in the name of making forward progress . . . but when you feel like you've plateaued, you question everything. I hope you check in and find this . . . I'll be checking back more often to see.

[Ctflor]

My husband is going through mlc, and since he dropped the bomb he refuses to have sex. He had an ea with ow, but this is over for certain. He wants to stay with me and go through mc and give us a try.

It is frustrating because he will only hug and kiss. Tells me the rest just has to happen naturally, which i understand but how can it when he refuses intimacy that goes beyond hugs and kisses? I cant kiss his neck the way i used to or he pulls away. I have respected his wishes and stopped trying to be with him the past two months and let him come to me if he wants hugs or kisses.

He says he doesnt feel passion or attraction to me. A lot of it dropped off years ago with the birth of our child and his working nights.

He doesnt think passion is something you have to work for and it should all come natural. I tried to explain that many couples experience a disconnect andmit takes some work..

I don't know what to do but it worries me that he refuses intimacy. It worries me that it will widen the gap even farther between us. I can be patient though.

[25yearsmlc]

sounds as if the pursuit is a turn off but even if you technically are not pursuing, if you are pouting or visibly showing your hurt

it's kind of the same thing...and my guess is that it's a turn off.

We've touched on this before. The neediness you feel, and terror of losing him makes you clingy- which we all understand you feeling

BUT that's Not helping your cause. Sooooo,

How are those GAL activities going? Try to join ONE thing this week that gets you out, esp with new people.

Did I read that you may be moving in closer to town/people?

If so, that sounds great.

((( )))

[Ctflor]

Hey 25

The plan is, he is going out to ca in a month to look for a job and apt for us, and his parents will bring me and d out with them when they come to visit my h's sister.

I'll be back in the bay area if all goes well where there will be more resources.

I probably am looking sad despite doing gal activities. It uas been hard for me to stop thinking about ow, even though shes out of the picture.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm getting a little confused b/c there are 2 or 3 threads of yours now...

hmmm, hard to stay current and give solid advice if people only have partial information.

Why not choose one (MLC??) and stick with it so we can all keep up and stay straight?

I'm happy for your pending move, despite the hassle it'll be SO worth it!

Are you and d happy about it? WHat grade will she be in then?

We moved A LOT while in the Army and even after...but I found that it took 2 years to fully settle in and feel like I was "home"...but that didn't mean it was a drag those first 2 years.

More like the new place was still "new and cool"...but we felt like we were still strangers there. THEN we felt at home...

(and then the next year we'd have to move again...the kids NOW say it was hard once they hit middle school.)

Good luck