2 years ago my husband of 20 years and I separated. We had lost intimacy, closeness, had grown apart and no dreams and goals together. The separation was largely initiated by me. He wanted to try counseling and I said no i didn't think there was a point.
We amicably split and have contact regularly as we share care of the kids 18 and 14.
I jumped into a rebound relationship within 6 months with an old workmate from 24 years ago. It was exciting and i loved being loved. After a year or so he moved in with me. Even in the first week I knew it wouldn't work but my new flame talked me into giving it a go. Long story short it didn't work and i have been on my own now since February.
I miss my husband and 2 months ago I wrote him a letter asking him to forgive me and to consider trying to reconcile. We had dinner and he said no he didnt want to go there and bring up all the old hurts and he was happy now on his own. A month later we got together and he said he doesnt love me and doesnt miss anything about our marriage and there is no chance of reconciliation.
I keep thinking there is a chance and I am so sad and don't know how to accept, give up, move on or whether to keep hoping. I tell my self he doesnt mean what he said he has just blocked those feelings out of course he still loves me... and then i think I am dreaming and it will never be possible to reconcile. I am lost...
He thinks I need to learn to live alone but I don't want to...
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your husband has had two years (at least) to witness actions that have hurt him. It's possible he has blocked his feelings and it's possible that they aren't there anymore. In neither case is this hopeless, but it does require a change in YOU if you want him back.
CONSISTENT change for the BETTER. And not just anything--in the things that matter to HIM.
It isn't likely to be quick.
So go back to the time when you were in love, when he was crazy about you and you were both in love. What was your relationship like...what were you doing and what were you saying?
It is not hopeless however any relationship between you and your XH will be a brand new one.
It is difficult to deal with the memories of what you had. We soooo bad want that back and feel like we need to some how run back to capture what we had in order to be happy in the future.
We also feel that if we do not get back with that person that we had those good memories with that somehow those memories will be lost or will somehow change.
Those memories will always be "good" and will always be "happy" and it is okay to remember them. Try to remember them and smile instead of remember them and be sad.
Your marriage to your XH was good, celebrate it, cherish it and let it become a part of you......do not let it BE you.....YOU are not your former marriage......just as you are not the student that once attended high school or college.
Those were experiences that shaped your life today and they were good but do you wish you were back in high school or back in college??????? Your marriage to your XH is the same.
Now, moving forward.......you have 2 beautiful children with this man and he is in your life because of them it sounds as though you get along with him.......you are friends?????
What is LOVE?????
Friendship on Fire.
Enjoy the friendship with no expectations, let the friendship build naturally. You have strong feelings for him.....that is okay.........
Think of it this way.....
If you had just met your XH like any other man and you really liked that man......would you tell him on the first date that you think that you guys could probably get married and live the rest of your lives together?????
No, he would run for the hills......
Why would your XH be any different from any other man????
Start slow.......a lunch here and there, something with the kids do things that friends would do.
Do you have a hobby??? include him in an activity that interests you......you become more interesting that way.......Right???
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
We are blessed with the regular presence of a board member who has awesome insight into what might be going on in your sitch...
Her name is Sandi2 and perhaps she'll chime in here...
On first blush reading your sitch... it sounds to me as though you were a WAW...
You mention that he asked if you would try counseling, and you said you didn't want to... do you remember ANY OTHER behaviour from your H that might have turned you off... begging, pleading, other LBS passive aggressive behaviour... before he "agreed" to the separation...
As has been mentioned, nothing is hopeless... there certainly can be a possible R... the fact is... YOU ARE STILL M...
Lots of stuff to work on for you, as mentioned above, to become a woman that your H will be drawn to again...
If your H perceives you as a WAW... then he likely does still hurt... he will keep you at arms length for a long time...
because he won't believe your changes are real... and it could be a long time before he's prepared to put his guard down...
In your separation, have you been mostly distant? N/C as it were, or "dark" (because of the kids)?
The point is, looking at 180s that you might be able to try, that will indicate that you really are interested in your H again and becoming involved more in family activities, that he would be open to...
Not asking your H to recommit to the M... Just what you can do to involve yourselves more in their lives and engage them more on day to day activities... nothing too drastic for now... just... baby steps...
Welcome to the board. Have you read Divorce Remedy? It sounds like, from what you have said, that your relationship with your exh will take a while to build up again. Nothing is impossible.
Divorce Busting teaches that there are stages to reconciliation.
You haven't described that there are negative feelings between the two of you. Would you say you were in the friendship stage?
My advice to you is to lower your expectations at the moment from reconciliation to friendship. Work on being your own woman, having a full life and being friends with your exh. He will see how fabulous your are and increases your chances of being an attractive prosepct again. After all there is something very attractive about someone who is independent and fun and something unattractive about someone who is needy and from whom you feel pressure. It is also a lot of pressure to put on someone to get back together when you haven't been that close for a while and there is a lot of history.
Work on taking that pressure off him and being that fabulous you. The rest, if it is to happen, will come. And if it doesn't happen then you will be ok because you will have created a wonderful life for yourself.
Some of the things I did to GAL 'Get a life' a divorce busting technique was to - go out with friends and create fun opportunities - joined a choir and got interested in music again - spent more time with family - planned new and exciting activities - like I did a fencing course.
Not only was it fun, it helped me take my mind off my ex gave me, meant I had something to fall back on if things didn't work out with exh, and gave me new stuff to talk about that wasn't focused on our relationship. Quite honestly, it was the best thing I ever did.
You say that the seperation was largely initiated by you, and pushed the divorce forward by refusing counseling, etc. You said that your marriage had lost "intimacy, closeness, shared goals,...etc." So what has changed that makes you want your Ex-H back? (Other than that you are now truly alone for the first time...)
If he were to ever trust you enough again to move past amicable co-parenting, you are going to have to be able to answer this question (and more) for him. What has changed in you? It may be as simple an answer as saying "I don't know where my head was during that time, I don't know how I didn't appreciate you when I had you!" Or it may be something more complicated requiring deeper introspection, but you are going to have to be able to tell him (and more importantly, SHOW him) what has changed within you to explain your sudden longing for a man and a marriage that you let go of very easily two years ago.
I agree with all the others, its possible your husband still has feelings lurking around for you, but its more likely than not that at this point, they aren't positive feelings. Because why would they be?
Expecting that he still "loves" you at this point is a bit of a stretch - not impossible, but not likely. How have your actions in the last two years been loving toward him? Why would he love someone who refused counseling, bailed on a marriage, and then exposed her two impressionable teenage children to a rebound cohabitation (despite knowing that it wouldn't work from week 1). I know this sounds harsh, but I am only trying to show you where your husband's heart and mind may be at this point.
However, I don't think your situation is as hopeless as it may appear. It is just going to require tons of patience and accountability on your part. Your primary concern shouldn't be earning back your Ex-H's love at this point, but rather earning his forgiveness and respect. Nothing is as healing as a heartfelt apology that isn't just a 'blanket' apology, but rather takes responsibility for the specific unloving actions you took against your husband and family. A few well-chosen words of contrition will help both you and your ex-H move forward...and quite possibly together.
Good luck, I think you can do this if you keep your expectations real, are honest about the emotional fallout of your prior actions, and know that you must SHOW your Ex-H a changed and better person, not just a needy, lonely person with divorce remorse.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Thanks Everyone for all your replies - especially the harsh honest ones. I need that!
I think GAL is a great idea and will take on board some of the other suggestions around taking things slow and rebuilding a new relationship rather than looking back but at the same time addressing the reasons our relationship failed.
The thing is we were so in love when we were young and I watch our wedding video and look back through our adventures and just think it was there it was real and we must be able to get that back. That probably sounds really naive and simplistic. Having kids involved in elite sports hasn't helped it meant lots of time committment, lots of time away, lots of money, and focusing on the kids more than us which was a huge mistake. The kids are great and i am really grateful they are so good and we don't have any hassles with them so from that respect it was all worth it they really are wonderful. He worked out of town for a couple of years and it was lonely and i was so tired, the kids were younger and I just needed a break from them when he was home on the weekends and thats probably when we really started to grow apart. I was a stay at home mum most of these years and following the separation I am now a business woman i suppose and completely self sufficient. Going back to work did wonders for my self esteem and I must say I should have done it years ago and i really think it would have made a difference to my own development as person and how I saw myself.
In answer to some of the questions we have remained friends throughout but yes I think he is bitter and angry at me still and I dont blame him. We rise above any feelings and do celebrate things together with our kids and work well together when we have to with no animosity or undertones etc.. we still do parent teacher interviews, go to events, celebrate the kids birthdays together. Coomunicate pretty much daily to sort out things with the kids, mainly by email and text.
When I read aloneat35's post I thought oh no I sound like a terrible person that doesnt look good written that way. Its an awful feeling realising you are a sad needy person with remorse and guilt about past actions.
I know I will get through this either way it goes its just like treading water instead of swimming ahead at the moment. I also know i have pretty unrealistic expectations and why would he ever trust me and so on...
