This is my first post, but I feel like things have gone significantly downhill over the past few weeks so I'm hoping someone might have some insights. Just a bit of background, have been married for 4 years, have not had any financial issues, but we have both been working full-time and school part-time for the last year and a half and that has put some serious strain on the relationship. My wife told me she wants a D about 3 weeks ago because of hurtful things I've said in the distant past that she can't seem to get over.
Basically, I can't say I have been using the DB techniques very effectively because I've tried to convince her that this was not a good idea. Also, I think she's told her parents basically everything I've said to her in the past, and they are not happy, so are trying to help her move this process along as quick as possible.
The problem I've had with using the DB technique is this, as long as you say you accept it and you support the decision, how do I make this credible as I'm taking no actions to move this forward (because secretly I don't want this to happen). I sent her an e-mail yesterday basically saying that my words and frustrations are only symptoms of issues that we need to resolve.
Here is her response: I’ve read through your email multiple times. I appreciate you recognizing that neither of us has been happy in the relationship for at least a year now. Whether it’s the lack affection in the home, the lack of respect, the lack of appreciation, the short fuses, etc, it’s really had a severe impact on our relationship. I’m also glad that you recognize that it’s not just about the swearing during anger fits or the language you’ve used toward me after a few too many drinks. It’s about the feelings/attitudes/behaviors that have happened over the last year (which were also present in the past 2-3 years,but never changed).
I know we can’t change the past, but I also know how I’m feeling right now. While I respect your commitment to trying to make this work (as you believe that this is all fix-able), I also know how I’m feeling inside. I believe the basic elements of a relationship have been broken and I’m not willing to take any more time to see if it’s even possible to fix. I’m sorry if you feel this is unfair. I know you think this is cliché, but I truly want what is best for you too and I just can’t give you the love that you deserve. As much as I want to be happy, I want you to be happy too and it’s not fair to you to be with me either. I also believe it’s unfair how our relationship has been and how it’s affected me. My future is unknown, but I know I do not want to ever feel the way I’m feeling right now or the way I’ve felt when you’ve hurt me as certain things are unacceptable for me from my own spouse, regardless of the situation. For that, I’m comfortable with my decision to move on and make a better life for myself (hopefully!).
I’m not going to fight about the condo and have already decided to move out (not that you care, but my parents are okay with this too). I respect that your parents put money towards our place and I don’t want any of it. I just want to be fair at this point. If you can please calculate the equity, excluding your parents initial investment, and split into two, I think that is fair. I will also return all of the jewelry your family gave me (have to get some out of the safety deposit box too).
If you still want to talk to an attorney, that is fine, but I think we can work this out as the only area of question is really the condo and I’m letting you calculate that excluding parents investment, etc, so in the best interest of both of us, I don’t think we need to spend any add’l money on another lawyer with such a “simple” case.
I wish you wouldn’t fight this anymore. As I said, I respect what you’re trying to do, but I know how I’m feeling and what I want. We both deserve happiness and I don’t know if you believe me, but I do feel that we can be friends in the end if we can figure this out in a respectable/fair manner.
Hope your day is going well.
Is there any hope in this situation? Just four months ago, we were on vacation in Mexico enjoying ourselves, and now she is talking to friends and family (specifically her friends that do not know me to confirm that this is the right decision). Is there any way to turn this around? She is on a business trip this week and after she sent the above e-mail yesterday, I didn't respond and don't plan on responding to her until she gets back tomorrow. I'm trying my best to do this 180 even though I'm not very hopeful this will work out. I just think she's getting very bad advice from her parents to move this along as soon as possible and she feels pressured to do so. Also, she is 29 and I am 31 and no kids, but I think she wants them soon and I think that is what started this whole mess (her thinking too much about if I'm the right person for that).
Any insights or suggestions would be very much appreciated!
Welcome aboard. You need to get Michele's Divorce Remedy book so you will understand the principles taught here.
Are the accusations your W made true about you?
What has happened the past four (or less) months that would cause her to suddenly put the stop to a MR with you? Why would she decide that she wants to be free right now?
Does she have new friends, hang out at different places, have a new coworker or boss? Did you not have a clue up until she told you she wanted out?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I'll get my nose smacked for this, but I can almost guarantee you that she's having an affair. She's running WAY too fast from the marriage, unless there are some serious abuse or other issues you haven't told us about?
How does she interact with her computer and her cellphone since all this began?
My gut is telling me the same thing. It is possible this instinct it wrong, but please do your due diligence. You need to know what you are up against.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
BL, I see you're not responding. I hope we didn't scare you off, but if there's someone else involved here, it may actually be GOOD news, because:
1. it would almost entirely explain why your wife is behaving the way she is; and
2. it gives you a higher likelihood that she'll be open to working on your marriage once the influence of any 3rd party is REMOVED from the picture.
Looked at another way, if there ISN'T someone else, then she really just has some serious issues with YOU, which may be harder to fix.
In any event, we could also be wrong, but I rarely am. It's best to be careful, and to emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility of an affair, so that you're not punched in the gut to the point of total devastation if/when you find out.
Please continue to post here, so we can know what's going on.
Thank you so much for the responses. I really appreciate it. I am not really sure how to take the affair talk because it is not something that I think she would do (of course, I'm sure everyone thinks this way). She was looking for places today and signed a lease and is moving out tomorrow. I am really upset about the whole thing and for some reason I am still hopeful this could work out. Any tips about finding out if she is seeing someone short of being a creep and following her wherever she goes?
I feel like she is getting advice from her parents to move it along as soon as possible to prevent the hurt, so I was thinking it was that advice that was making her move so quickly...but not so sure anymore.
Maybe her moving out will be a good thing and maybe the space will make her realize what she's missing...one can hope.
I tried posting a couple times, but for some reason it didn't show up.
In any case, thank you so much for your support. I have outright asked her if there is someone else and she said no, and that it is my past behavior that led her to this point. I tend to believe her (though maybe i'm being naive).
She is moving out today and she says that she can't look at me the same way as she used to. Even if she forgives me, she doesn't feel like she can love me like I deserve and in turn it is unfair to her as well.
One bright spot though...before she was completely opposed to going to counseling..but now she said that she'd go with me once (but is very skeptical that they'd be able to change the way she's feeling or change anything). basically she said she's going for me so that I can feel better about this whole situation.
When I left for work this morning, she was packing up her things. She is getting an apt. only two blocks away and asked if we could still be friends, while crying and saying that she's so sorry it had to come to this. I'm not sure how to approach this. I don't want to say absolutely not and leave her on her own, but at the same time, I feel like maybe her spending some time along without any contact for me may make her realize what she's missing.
She was supposed to attend a wedding with me tomorrow for friends of both of us (in which I am a groomsman) and she said that she would feel uncomfortable attending. I feel bad that she feels uncomfortable since her friends will be there as well. I was planning on stopping by in my tux, and just dropping off the invitation for her and without any pressure just letting her know where and when the ceremony is, and just telling her without any pressure, "I understand if you feel uncomfortable, but I don't want my actions to prevent you from seeing your friends...if you choose to come, I promise to keep it civil and avoid any talk about us". Is this a bad move or do you think she might appreciate it? Since many times we've gone out in the past, I have had too much to drink, I would love to show her that I can go to a friend's wedding, have a few drinks and keep myself composed and still have a great time.
Also, regarding the marriage counseling, I think she is just doing it for me (and said only one session and if she feels the same after it, I will need to move forward with the D), so not sure it is the right attitude going in, but I am trying my hardest to find the person that will give me the best shot at this since I feel like it is my very last chance to turn things around. Suggestions on this?? I was thinking about scheduling a private session with Michele, but I live in Chicago, so not sure if that is feasible. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know.
Thank you again for all the support. I really need it.
