Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

Original thread

Link to my original thread is above.

So my b'day didn't quite go as planned - my D9 woke up this morning around 6:00am - I went down to comfort her and lie down next to her. I suddenly felt ill - high temp, room spinning etc. I must have had either a 24 hr bug or food poisoning. I've spent all day in bed or generally been unable to do anything.

We had a small dinner together at home - got a homemade card from D's - with love from D9, D6 and W. Some articles of clothing as gifts, practical but nothing of a personal nature.

W and I watched TV together tonight - nothing exciting, kind of made me think - 99% of life is routine, how do I make it more exciting for us, especially when we need to be at home - (ok tonight was not a good chance as I was still feeling the after effects of being ill).
Have an interesting couple of weeks coming up :
MC on Thurs - First session, we'll see how it goes.
W's b'day on the 16th - she's confirmed she wants to come to the B'way show, I'll get her some small gifts from the girls.
W has also suggested that the week I have booked as vacation (week before labor day) we spend doing small day trips and maybe a couple of days at the beach (one overnight at her father's house that will be empty).
She went to bed an hour or so ago - gave me a peck on the lips and said "sorry you were so ill on your b'day" - sadly I am going to bed soon in the spare room. I want to lie down next to her so badly it hurts....
I know - time and patience...

[theoden]

NYCPeter,

Read your thread.

I haven't been here much lately. Used to post a lot more.

Some quick observations, and from personal experience (mistakes):

1. There's a really good chance you can turn this around.

2. Other people have noted this. You are acting like a control freak. This is normal. Your in shock, perhaps experiencing the symptoms of trauma. Gotta try and stop this -- it's driving your wife away. You will have relapses, but you've really got to stop.

3. It sounds like you are a work-a-holic. This needs to change. Not working on the weekends is helpful.

4. Believe it or not, time is on your side. When my "bomb" hit in 2006, I had no idea hom much time I really had. This is a marathon not a sprint.

5. Marriage problems are really a wake up call for what needs adjustment in your life. You won't believe me, but this is really about saving yourself, not your marriage. I wish I had known that all my efforts to control my wife's behavior and pressure her should have been spent on finding myself and living with an open, courageous, heart. Are you happy with your life (marriage aside)? Are you pursuing your mission?

6. If you are happy, joyful, abundant, passionate and secure, you will more likely turn on your wife than being afraid, controlling, petty, whiny, accusing and judgemental. The hard part is living joyfully when you are in deep stress and trauma.

7. Regarding the counseling, stop playing the victim. For any counseling to work you BOTH need to think the counselor is good. If the counselor is good, then run with it. If you don't like this counselor, find someone you like. Look on the website www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com. I can recommend someone in NYC/Westchester if you want a referral.

8. DO NOT move out of your home. Do not willingly unseat yourself as husband and father.

9. Regarding her mother. Blood is thicker than water. Don't involve her. She will protect her "baby girl".

10. Right now, from your wife's perspective, living with you [censored]. Telling her how angry you are that SHE won't work on it isn't getting you anywhere. Become the kind of person she can be drawn to again. The trick is you CAN'T do this by micro-managing and interpreting your wife's behavior. You can't save the marriage by trying to save the marriage. You can save yourself, and then you have a shot at saving the marriage.

11. Save yourself.

Theoden

[NYCPeter]

Theoden - thanks for all of your comments.

You are confirming what other people have been saying and by reading the thread in one go you are re-emphasizing that I have not been doing a good enough job about changing myself.

Are you happy with your life (marriage aside)?

Generally yes - I would like to change my job but am concerned this will lead to more pressure to prove myself in a new environment.

DO NOT move out of your home. Do not willingly unseat yourself as husband and father.

This is one thing I have been strong about from day 1. My W (and MIL) seem to think a "break will do us good" - I am hoping that by detaching enough I am giving her the space she needs.

There's a really good chance you can turn this around.

This is good to hear - I really don't intend to be controlling, I want my W to have the life she wants and to do what she wants - I only hope it includes me.

[theoden]

NYCPeter,

Regarding changing yourself. It's a huge burden for all of us who faced "the bomb". It takes time for the crazed "save my marriage" behavior to wear off. It's like the sword of damocles hangs over all our actions. The fear of the marriage falling apart is really driving our behavior. Your spouse can smell the fear, anger and desperation in your words and actions. It's like your drowning and you are clinging to your wife for dear life. At the moment she feels like you are taking her down with you.


Right now, all you want is to save your marriage. I've been there. This laser-like focus the marriage makes it very difficult to do anything for yourself. The hard part about all this stuff is to not filter all your actions through what you perceive to be your spouse's responses.

I remember when I was in IC when my crisis started. My wife refused to go to counseling. I remember my therapisr telling me, "I'm trying to to treat you for depression and being a people-pleaser, but all we end up doing is having a marriage counseling session with your wife not present."

I was drowning and all I wanted was someone, anyone, to help me save my marriage.

Until you let go of that, and I admit, it's very hard, your efforts will be exhausting and often mispent.

There are some excellent books for men that help you to focus on YOU, rather than what your wife is doing.

This would fall under "Get a Life" activities.

[edited by dbmod: reference not recommended/not allowed]



The Way of the Superior Man by Deida. Much more philosophical, but it might get you thinking about your mission in life, your work and how you relate to your spouse.

All of these books assume you might be in a marriage.

There's no magic bullet that will save your marriage.

Save yourself, and the marriage has a shot.

Also you might try a little Zen and mindfulness in everyday life. In a crisis, we tend to re-hash the past and fear the future. There's little time to enjoy the present moment. Some activities/hobbies have been shown to force a certain mindfulness and concentration on the present. Things like painting, rock-climbing, martial-arts, sailing, etc. These hobbies are more than just distractions, they build character through discipline, they build you strong, calm, warrior center. They also require concentraion. You aren't thinking about your wife's phone issues when you are reaching for the next handhold on a rock face or, perhaps, blocking a punch in your karate class.

And the bonus is that a centered, brave, open-hearted warrior is much more attractive to your spouse and or anyone else for that matter.

But then if your doing it to get back your spouse, you won't reallt be doing it. ;-)

Theoden

[NYCPeter]

Journaling - nothing new really to report.

We'll be going to MC tomorrow, a little nervous about the whole thing, but I am hoping it will provide some clarity.
Finally got my W to tell me what the plans are for this weekend with the girls so I can work on GAL without losing time with my girls. As it turns out I'll be with the girls all weekend (my W will be working), so going to the lake for the day (should be interesting with MIL), bar-b-q at friend's place and some shopping is on the cards (girls to buy W b'day gift).

Also found out W and girls will be at the lake without me for a week later this month. I know the girls enjoy the time up there so much, although I'll miss them I won't say anything about it, just find things to keep me occupied.

A little frustrated at my W's cold demeanour towards me lately - it's almost like she's detaching, short answers, going to bed earlier than normal etc. One other thing I've noticed is she hasn't worn her wedding / engagement rings for a couple of days - (she often took them off when washing or doing chores and just forgets to put them back on). Rings have been in the same position on the sideboard - so tempted to say something - but haven't (maybe I am learning something), but proves I am still having problems detaching.
Will report back after MC tomorrow.

[NYCPeter]

So MC session was earlier than originally planned.

It went well - primarily focussed on getting us to communicate better and validating what was being said. We went through different exercices and the MC asked us to work on these as homework.

We focused on one issue (Finances) that my wife felt I was not involved enough in, that I just put $$ into the account and expected her to work to that budget and didn't offer enough support. I validated what she was saying and understood why she felt that way.

The final exercise was to tell each other what we liked about each other, I listed several things I love about my wife and my final one was that "I loved her". Her responses were she loved my sense of humour, loved my loyalty, loved how i interact with my friends, love how I play with my girls. The MC then asked us both for one more, she said "I love Peter" - I was ecstatic.

Now the downside - we're driving home and my wife asked what I was thinking, I said I thought the session went well and that it would be useful for us. I also said - It was nice to hear that she loved me. W response - "Well I'm not sure about that one" - I was like "why did you say it, what's the point in going to MC if we're not going to be honest" - W response, "why do you think I've been going to IC, I'm trying to figure that out". The remainder of the 5 min drive was in silence. She's now taken D6 swimming.

Thoughts anyone?

[OmegaZed]

NYCPeter -

Fellow NYCer I hope!

I read through the prior thread and then this one. So happy that you guys are in counseling as its one of the steps I ignored when my wife and I were together, and when she left I started to pursue.

I'm not qualified to offer a strong opinion but I do see some positives. The fact that your wife is in individual counseling speaks volumes. It shows she cares and is willing to accept her part in a difficult situation. You were right to point out how being honest with the counselor is an important step...it shows that you care to make it work too.

I wish you and yours the best of luck in this difficult time and if I can offer anything, its to remember that marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100.

Regards,

KC

[rh24]

I wouldn't have mentioned the ILY - that's bound to put her on the defensive. Then you criticized her for 'not being truthful', further putting her on the defensive.

Trust me brother - I do that ALL the time and don't really see it until later.

On the wedding rings - I've been advised by many to NOT bring it up. My W started wearing them less and less until Bomb time, then not at all. A few weeks ago they disappeared from her jewelry box. I'm assuming she put them in the safe, but I ain't gonna ask her about it!

[NYCPeter]

I'm actually a transplanted Brit.
Moved to NYC in '94 and now live about 20 mins north of the city.

I see positives aswell - I see the fact that she's "not sure" at least there is some hope and that if I continue to DB, GAL and 180s things will turn around.

[NYCPeter]

Yeah the ILY - I was being open and honest I could have gone on and on about all the things I love about my W. Need to focus on the positives.