We covered a lot of conversation. I started by asking her what she wanted to talk or say. She said nothing (closed spirit) and so I covered the main points of what Sandi had recommended. I did not read it verbatim, just went from memory. It got my wife to open up about some of her feelings, and I did my best to keep my composure. Up until this point she has been totally closed. She asked my why I had been talking to her family about our private stuff, I replied that her mother had asked me., and that I had told her sister because I was angry at her on the day her A was revealed. She told me that she knew that i didnt believe her that about her affair not being physical, but swore that it hadn't. i responded that pa or ea is the same thing it went against our vows, of forsaking all others.
I did not do a good job at DR today at all. I'm not going to count how manny of the commandments I broke, (no 2x4 please). As we discussed things and our plans I could feel her softening and opening up. Even crying from time to time. Her emotions were evident with tears streaming down her cheeks, i went and got her a kleenex. I admitted my faults that had led to our marriage breakdown and said that i was ashamed of how i had been a jerk to her in the past. I told her that that man was gone and that he would never return for my own sake. She thought that was good. When i asked her if she had reflected on what she had done to get to this point, she volunteered nothing. I asked her if she should talk to a therapist to help her sort out her thoughts, and she said i will never go, thats not going to happen. Despite that I could feel the connection again and she admitted that she felt better too after we talked. I asked her if we can continue to make time for each other to talk to build our friendship, and she agreed. Just some simple time together like sitting on the swing with a beer talking openly.
This is where I screwed up more... I was feeling confident that we were making progress, I asked her if we could just work on communication for now and see where that leads for the future... Who knows. I know that totally undermined the reason for our discussion, but I couldn't stop myself. (at heart I am a risk taker) obviously I shouldn't take risks in these conversations. Clearly I am not strong enough to follow through. Until today, I believed that I was detached, until I felt that attachment and then I knew I was still in love with her. I was hoping to "plant a seed" She called me out on it at this point she said that you said you didn't love me when we started talking... I responded that I didn't love the person you have become, but that now that we had communicated, I could see the old you. At this point I could see things were hurtling downward so, we ended our talking, to stop the carnage... In the end we agreed to just stay in a holding pattern for now until we both had solid jobs. She questioned this and i couldn't verbalize my thoughts (although i knew exactly what i meant)
In the meantime, I am going to continue to keep the lines of communication open, as that was the first sign of life I have seen in my R in a very long while. It was going good, we were both laughing at times and honestly open and sharing. It felt really good, until I pushed my luck, but at least now we can work on communication and see where that leads. I know that is the major factor that has led to her WAW. Now that i have more clarity on how we got here i know where too focus my energy. She even said it that she was afraid to talk to me at times because I would "blow up". Again I reiterated that was the old me not the new me. She did agree that I had been much better... We also talked about our job prospects and other non R type stuff which was good to relieve the anxiety.
For what it's worth, I do believe her that she did not have a pa, I still feel betrayed though. I asked for her forgiveness for talking to her family, which she did not give me. I had to stop myself from forgiving her for her A. I wanted to give her that but I was not sure that I should. I wall ask when is it the right time.
Do I show faith in her and grant forgiveness and be the bigger person in the hope that it will move us forward or would that be me just caving to her in her eyes?
Clearly today was 1 step forward (opening the lines of communication) but 2 big steps back (undermining my own position and breaking so many pieces of advice) ... She has "all the hand" (see Seinfeld) and she knows it. I can say however that at least there was 1 small win, that can lead to a big step forward, at least, I feel like I have my foot in the door... I know that recanting my position hurt my cause, but it is easier for her to see my changes and experience my GAL if we are in the same house. I think now she understands that my GAL includes quality time at home with my family. (because I am at work all day). I can definitely see that her GAL is time away from home as she is at home all day. When she gets a job outside the house, she will likely after a while realize my position as she will be in the same one.
One more thing... My wife had asked me a couple of times about what my thoughts were on the kids (meaning custody). I want custody, but told her that I hadn't thought about that (because I didn't want her to steer the conversation back to seperation). And that I loved them and want them in my life.
Btw, she did say at the end of our conversation, that we couldn't kick each other out of the house, I responded that I was asking her to leave but that I felt differently after our talk.
Learnings from today...
Follow the guidelines Stop trying to follow non DB advice it's counter productive Do not respond to negative emails it won't do any good Give her space, she needs it to sort thing out Make time for each other to do fun things Keep the lines of communication open it show support Listen and rephrase it shows I'm listening Keep my changes going, they are noticed Work towards giving her forgiveness for my sake Keep family out of R it just pisses her off Demonstrate acts of service it's the right thing to do Do more family activities with the kids Stop trying to affect her behaviors, just wasting time and effort and pushing her away. Don't give up!
Try not to make a wall of text!!! Even when I have lots to report...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Wife just left said I'm going to the park for a walk, do you need anything....
I responded have a good walk...
It's a humid day, so I don't think she will walk very long. I think she is just getting away to process our conversation... That's good for her... (or at least it's easy for me to believe that).
Overall, although I stepped all over the guidelines, I think we are in a better place now and hopefully she can see that things can only go up from here.
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I would have to put my wife's mood at 8/10 for today. She was courteous , kind and happy and laughing for the rest of the day. We had great positive communication all day, and she was open to talking and sharing for the full day. I know that is in no small part to our reconnection from this morning. I also have been feeling much better, 8.5/10. due to my wife's mood also, and I'm sure due to our reconnection. We both enjoyed the kids, and the kids had a great day. I am going to work to make sure we have many more days like this. Obviously we needed the time together to talk and reconnect. We will keep doing what is working... So more time together like I mentioned earlier and in a few weeks maybe even a date, just the two of us. I will have to gauge my progress before we take that step. I was thinking of planning something fun...
But before we go out just the two of us, maybe go to the drive in with the kids...
Any suggestions for our couples date?
Prayers to you and your family ninelives...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
What I had been doing was not working, so I did something different and got a positive result.
Now I can build on that. The goal is to rebuild.
I was posting immediately after our talk, and then monitoring the results. At the end of the day, the results were very positive. That was the goal. Now I have something to build on.
Like I told her. "sometimes things have to hit rock bottom. We are there now. Now things can only get better"
I know communication, my lasting changes, quality time together... Those are the keys. I captured her heart once, I lost my way, she pulled away and now I will do my best to recapture her heart again. She said it. In her own words "They (our kids) need to see both of us happy". It is the first positive sign I have seen since I began DB.
I just had to change my approach...
And I did.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I'm confused. What exactly did you do that was different?
On the first point I was responding immediately after our talk, obiously that was premature, as the day played out much better than I expected. Clearly it achived a better result than I had anticipated immediatly following our conversation. So basically Having a Relationship talk did help.
On the second point I had been going dim, avoiding relationship talk. Obviously that was good to give her time to sort things out, but now she was glad we had talked and felt better about things and agreed to being more open communication and more time together.
I am going to slowly introduce more family activities together, and when I see positive momentum and signs of interest from my W, I will start dating her again. My thinking is an informal family time with the kids will create positive memories and open her heart. I am also going to keep working on my GAL.
My goal is to win her over again just like I did when we were dating. I know that is a long term process and now I have to be cautious to do whats working and abandon what doesnt. Only carefull DBing at this point will help me keep "My foot in the door"
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
