Husband of 30 years left 3 months ago, living in a hotel. We have been going to marriage counseling going on dates having a good time together. Last week found out that there is another woman. She lives over 1000 miles from us. He says that they are friends but has started to have deeper feelings. Says he is confused and loves me and wants us to be happy together but can't say that he can stop talking to her. He is Starting independent counseling which our marriage counselor suggested even before this because he has been depressed and confused. (One minute wants to come home next does not) Now I am totally confused in what I want. I love him and wanted to work on marriage and then the next minute I feel like just walking away. Why would I want someone that does not care what he is doing to me. I can't sleep and am terribly confused by my own feelings. I had started independent counseling and had 1 session my next is this coming Friday. Does anybody have any advice on just how to at least have this emotional roller coaster slow down a little? I know that it will not stop at this time.
M 48 H 51 Married 30 S 29 D 28 GD 5 GS 17 months Sep May 2011 H home 8-18-11
Welcome to the boards. Your story sounds like a lot of ours on here and is very familiar.
Could you give us a little background history on the marriage. How long you've been married, your ages, any children. What were some of the problems within the marriage?
The more we know the better we can help advise you.
The best way to avoid the rollercoaster is to not get on. Easier said than done, I know. This is where detaching from your H's antics can help.
It's a little slower on the boards during the weekends. It'll pick up during the week. Keep posting, there will be others around to help you navigate through this.
The best way to get off the roller coaster is to detach...
There's many ways to help, plus the support on the board.
Do you have the DR book? It goes through a lot of the actual mechanisms to help you work through this horrible time.
And, the infidelity forum is great for support specifically related to infidelity, but as Seeking_Answers indicated, weekends can be slow and sub forums like this can also be slow.
If you want more active support at this early stage, you may want to post in the "Newcomers" forum.
Get yourself grounded. Remember that you came here because you obviously want to or would like to consider saving your M (which is what this is all about) and that there are plenty of Ms that have survived infidelity and have subsequently thrived.
We go through a process of detaching, GALing, 180s, and just having the support of pro-M people, like on this board.
We have been married for 30 years. He is 51 and I am 48. We have 2 children 29 and 28, 2 grandchildren 5 and 15 months. Marriage was very good until a year and half. Husband was unhappy in his job he took a temp position in same organization in another state that was to help progress his career. I stayed home since I had been with my company for 16 years and he was coming back we skyped and he was home every other weekend and I went out there. The position the came up as a permanent position and we talked again how he was unhappy at his job there that he had been with for over 25 years and we decided to move. I left my job of 17 years and left our kids and grandchild. Then after I got here the intimacy stopped in the marriage he was not able to even though we had tried a few times. We did not handle it correctly I was trying to be supportive and not push him. I should have talked more about it to him and we should have worked together on it. But besides that every thing seemed fine we had fun together and had friends. Then out of the blue I got the talk I love you and care deeply for you but do not love you that was 3 months ago. But then times he says he is closer to coming home then he is not. Then I found out about the other woman.
M 48 H 51 Married 30 S 29 D 28 GD 5 GS 17 months Sep May 2011 H home 8-18-11
Yes I have the DR book read it once and made notes, think I need to read again because I have been reading so many books. Also I have talked to a divorce busting coach 2 times.
M 48 H 51 Married 30 S 29 D 28 GD 5 GS 17 months Sep May 2011 H home 8-18-11
Hi there, first off, take a deep breath because you will not only survive this, but-and I know you can't see it now-be happier in a little while.
As far as the "Internet Woman" of course he is developing feelings for her.SHE is saying all the right things, has nothing truly invested in him like you do, and sure as hell doesn't know and have lived with all his bad habits.
She is also 1,000 miles away, so, she is "safe". Take for instance they met IRL, spent a week or 2 together. Do you not think he wouldn't be comparing her to you (even subconsciously)? He would start to realize that Ms. Website is, here it comes... OMG, she's Human too!!! And has faults that irritate him! And, though she was perfectly accommodating on the computer, she actually Expects things of him?? WTH??
It's not her or you, it's the secrecy that is exciting. Once that's out of the way and he sees she is just like every one of us, she won't be that great of a Secret crush anymore.
You are not alone. We are here walking right beside you.
I really enjoyed reading your post Valkerie. I am in a similar situation with you "alone". See my posts which are under my name "ayngl". I don't know what to do.
M 45 H 44 Married 9/09 Seperated 9/10 Not yet filed for divorce 1/11 - H meets OW in another state 9/7/11 - H tells me he is moving to another state on 10/1/11
