Well, I am officially letting go of the hope of reconciliation with my DH. As I write this, he is probably either waking up in bed with OW #4 or waking up on his new buddy's couch after a night of partying. We are on two very different pages.
The last time I wrote he was doing all the things that a spouse ready to R could do, counseling, talking, dating, power-shifting and he did all of these things consistently. Then, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, my gut instinct kicked in and told me that something was not right. The texting started to slow down to 1 or 2 a day. The phone calls stopped completely. And my few calls went unanswered and my texts went several hours without a response.
I've realized with him that he will vacillate from one extreme to the other emotionally very quickly, from being committed to R to needing his space overnight. And it's all normally precipitated by a new female interest or possibility. Since, I am essentially unable to consistently communicate with him from around Friday at 8pm until Sunday at 5pm, based on these last few weeks, I am inclined to think it's a new woman. He, of course will not admit anything - and never has. He has to be confronted with clear evidence or he will not admit anything and I am done snooping to find said evidence, so I doubt he will ever come clean about what's going on right now.
This will bring the total number of women that he has been physically intimate with to 4. The number that he has been emotionally intimate with is probably closer to 7. And the number that he's been superficially intimate with is probably near 11 or 12. This is, of course, those I know of and have had clear evidence of - except the one that I believe he's with now. This time, I'm going with my gut. It's been pretty spot on for the last decade and I've ignored it.
Anyway, I fully recognize and acknowledge that my DH is a serial cheater. This is not a lifestyle I am willing to live and not a burden I am willing to bear any longer. I've done my best - and there's really nothing else you can do but that, right?
I don't hate him. I really do love him and I always will. I know that in some ways he really did try to be a good husband, but for a myriad of reasons it hasn't panned out. I am just glad to have moved away from the place where I accepted the blame for his wandering eye and multiple dalliances. I'm really relieved to no longer be dieting my way down to an acceptable version of myself - if I change xyz about myself then I am deserving of love and fidelity. That was a destructive and miserable place to be and I am glad to be free from there.
I am very sad and have cried a bit. I still feel that gnawing emptiness that we all do, but it's okay. I have learned to be a lot more independent. I have learned and am learning to really love myself and trust my instincts. DH will likely never be completely out of my life. We own and operate a business together. I will have to figure out how to get some appropriate and healthy boundaries in place and sort out the whole moving past separation and on to divorce part of everything.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I am sorry it has come to this. I know you were really hoping things would turn out differently. I think we all hope that. However, in reading your post I hope you realize how strong you sound. You have been through a lot and to come out of this and not hate him, even though you would have every right to, is growth.
His issue with cheating is his issue and not yours. You tried everything you possibly could to try and save your marriage, and I think in the end that is all we need to know, that we did everything we could.
(((Hugs)))
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thanks, kaffe and dbmod. I am feeling very weepy and tired right now, it hurts to even feel a little of the desolation I felt when I discovered OW #1. I know that I'll pick myself up and dust myself off but in the mean time, I'm contemplating a pint of haagen das and some white whine to get me through the evening...and maybe some female empowerment movies -- like Enough with Jennifer Lopez or The Women of Brewster Place or Thelma & Louise. I mean, thank God for Netflix, seriously.
It's not an easy choice at all, even when the actions the WAS takes seem to make things a no-brainer for you.
What do I want for my life? I want peace. I want contentment. I do not want to be in the marriage I was in where everything was my fault and there was nothing that I could do right. I don't ever want to feel unaccepted and unacceptable when I'm giving 100% of myself. I want love that is not contingent on a mood or a whim -- and I don't just mean romantic love but all forms of love. I love my career. I am financially independent. I have opportunities to be creative and fulfill lifelong dreams. I have a good, solid core group of loved ones who support, encourage and hang with me.
My DH was such a part of that, my King, and I definitely treated him that way. But Elvis has left the building...
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I'm all for the ice cream and movies... I believe do what feels good... so long as no animals are harmed...
When I entered my M, I felt that both me AND my W walked into it with full intention, commitment and responsibility to self, other, M and kids...
And then... when the blaming started... when it got to a point where I really started to believe everything was my fault, even before the M failed, my W bailed, and the A became apparent...
No... I believe the LBS eventually recognizes and owns their responsibility for the failing M... but no one should have to live in a M where the WAS (or preWAS) projects all the M problems on the LBS.
Do you have an exit strategy? A "plan B"?
Do you even have a plan A?
How detached were you? Do you feel you are just a little emotional right now? That in a few hours or a day or two, you will have clarity again and can be pro-active, rather than re-active?
I'm having a tough time readjusting to the distance-mode again. I had conquered it and really had my stride. Then came H, tipping back in, saying the right things, walking the walk. The whole please-come-here/no-go-away thing might be too much for me to handle. I know I'll get my stride back and be back in PMA mode in a little while, but I've reached a point that I can't come back from. I know that H will be back to wanting to spend time together the moment he stops long enough to realize that I've pulled back again, I can already see it happening, but I'm tired of this particular ride and I want off.
It's not that I don't love him or want my marriage to be reconciled. It's more that I don't trust his emotions to be consistent or steady and I know that it's better for me to not be dependent on him emotionally. This particular realization is pretty depressing.
On another note, I have been feeling inadequate again, simply not-enough to keep my H. It's the gist of what he said when he left, the whole "you're too fat and I'm leaving thing". I'm battling those feelings because I know it's not true, but those feelings do crop up.
Oddly enough, when I was shopping and feeling particularly low, a really handsome guy passed me in the aisle and gave me a big smile and a hello. I smiled and said hello back. Then, a few aisles over we ran into each other again. He stopped me.
Guy: I just wanted to tell you that you're very beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Guy: Are you married?
Me: Yes, I am.
Guy: I thought so. Hey, I wish you a really successful marriage and life. You're just beautiful.
Me: Thank you so much. Take care.
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On the one hand, I thank God and the universe for the reassurance that I am, in fact, enough. I'm enough. I deserve to be loved, admired, maybe even adored
But it leaves me with the heaviest feeling, because the one man I love with all my heart may not be able to love me in the way I deserve.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
It's a pretty good day for a Monday. I spent much of the weekend at home reflecting on things and that is never fun, but it was necessary. I needed to get my thoughts in order, to readjust my attitude and to feel my hurt and anger privately and fully.
Now, I feel more ready to embrace a PMA.
I think I've made further progress in the transition from seeing my H as the man I married to seeing him for who he really has become. I don't like everything he's done, but there's still lots to like about him, and I'm choosing to focus on those things.
What makes this easier is that I no longer have any plans to DB to salvage our M. I am no longer in save-the-marriage mode. I want to move on with my life, away from the place of pain, betrayal and anger. I am ready to accept that it's better for me to be alone right now, to pursue my own self-growth and to figure out what I want out of life. I can go a step further and say that I do not trust my H to be a steady, empowering influence in my life right now - and anything less than that is unacceptable for me.
I am determined to surround myself with empowering, positive and strengthening people, activities and things.
How do you transition from spouses to friends? That is the question.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Saw H approximately 4 times throughout the workday yesterday. Had to address 2-3 small business things. He is just as nice and flirty as ever. I was polite but not overly warm. I know he sensed the difference. He kept trying to get my attention, saying funny things (he makes me laugh a lot). I wasn't mean and I wasn't unfriendly. But, there was a difference in how I normally interact with him. Then, of course, he starts to text me again. I did not respond to any but the last one.
The moment he sees that I am pulling away, he panics and tries to draw me back in. I believe he thinks that I will always be an option for him. What a shock it will be when he figures out that I've taken myself out of the equation.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I believe do what feels good... so long as no animals are harmed... 